Deer in the Headlights

We all know how I feel about phone etiquette.

So there isn't any reason to create another blog about them, is there?

Of course there is. Don't be ridiculous.

In my profession, I have to call people all day. Some of these people want to talk to me, and some of them don't. And if a person tells me, "I don't want to talk to you," I smile and I thank them for being honest with me, type happy notes into my computer, and draw unicorns shooting rainbows from their eyes on their file.

It's only when people lie to me that I get upset.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Phil calling you from..."

"Oh, um, I can't talk right now."

"That's okay. I'm sure there are many situations in which you have only enough time to answer your phone, but not enough time to talk on it."

"Excuse me?"

"No time for questions. You'd better get going."

Then there are people who just hang up their phones when I call. This is a disappointing scenario since I'm not given enough time to say something sarcastic.

Unless I call them back.

"Hello?"

"Hey, I think we have a bad connection. I'm looking for..." And then I hang up the phone. And call back again.

"Hello?"

"Ha ha! I guess the problem's on my end! We just got a system update and..." I hang up again and call back.

"Helloooooo?"

"Boy, what is going on today? This is so unprofess..." And I hang up once more.

Eventually they stop answering their phone, so I do the same thing to their voicemail for awhile. Then I'll pretend I forgot how to use a phone and start dialing numbers during the message and accientally transfer them to one of the departments that never returns my calls.

What a Gay Issue

At this point in time, I don't know if I really need to throw my two cents in about the gay marriage issue.

Those of you that know me well (or read my blogs - in which case you know me well) already know how I feel about gay marriage, and I'm glad that in the year 2012 we have a president who isn't afraid to stand up for equal rights.

But I'm also not going to get on the hate wagon. In the end, that's what this all comes down to - people hating people.

And if there's one thing that upsets me, it's when loud, ignorant, hate-filled people have a chance to be educated but are met with other loud, ignorant, hate-filled people delivering hatred right back. People aren't going to listen to common sense and understanding if it's being screamed in their faces.

I'm not a religious man by any means, but if gay rights is going to come down to what the Bible tells us to do then let's do what the Bible tells us to do. Proverbs 10:12 may be a good place to start. "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all sins."

If you ask me, it's much easier to love other people than to go around hating anyone who doesn't share the same beliefs as you. And that's why I'm pushing the U.S. government to remove fluoride from our water supply immediately and replace it with Ecstacy and gummy bears.

Life in the Carpool Lane

Yesterday, I watched a girl tear into a handicapped spot right in front of the building I was standing in front of. At first I was angry that she didn't cripple me in the process, thereby missing my opportunity at the American Dream of suing someone and never having to work another day in my life. Then I felt sorry for her, because clearly was handicapped. She probably had some kind of neurological impairment that made her drive like an asshole. Why else would she be in a handicapped spot? Any moment, I thought, she's going to place her handicapped tag up on her rear view mirror, lower her wheelchair out of her car by crane, and roll herself into the building.

With her engine still running, she tried to make several phone calls. I thought to myself, "Okay. Maybe her wheelchair crane is broken. She must be calling for someone to give her a piggyback ride inside. Clearly she drives like a retard and she can't figure out how to use a phone because she hasn't spoken into it yet. She's obviously handicapped. Otherwise, she would have parked in one of the many other parking spots around her that didn't have a giant blue stick-figure in a wheel chair spray painted on the ground."

Ten minutes pass, and finally another girl comes out of the building, gets in the car, and then they drive off together. At that moment I realized that while the girl driving the car will most likely develop a weight problem from being so lazy that she can't even park in a non-handicapped spot two places away and have to get herself a motorized scooter just to take her fat ass to the bathroom and eventually have to start parking in a handicapped spot someday, she was not at that moment handicapped yet.

I then thought about what a nice change it is to see people proactively preparing for their miserable futures.

Soccer: Happily Ever After

I was watching a soccer match today thinking about what a great sport it is. The entire world participates, and I think I know why everyone in the world loves it so much.

It's an athletic metaphor for war. For the World Cup winner, it's world domination.

So why isn't it as popular in the U.S. as it is in the rest of the world? Because we have all the bombs. We don't feel like we need to get behind soccer because we never got into the metaphor. We don't need to pretend to rule the rest of the world because we have the capability to blow it up. Who needs a world champion soccer team when you can create a nuclear winter at any given moment?

Maybe a soccer game is the way we should be solving all of our problems.

U.S.: "Alright. If you win, you can charge us $400 for a barrel for oil. If we win, we get it for $50."

Iraq: "I don't know, $50 is a little cheap."

U.S.: "Okay fine. $50 dollars for a barrel and we'll throw in a free VHS copy of 'Avatar' for everyone in your country."

Iraq: "Deal."

U.S: "Wow, this is so much cheaper and easier than killing thousands of people and telling everyone in our country we're doing this for their freedom! High five, Iraq."

Iraq: "Does this mean you're going to tell everyone about the chem trails?"

U.S.: "We're taking baby steps, Iraq. We're still trying to figure out how we're going to tell them about the interdimensional reptilian beings that suggested putting fluoride in the drinking water."

I think pumping athletes full of steroids and replacing their bones with adamantium to get a win is much more moral than destroying cities, stealing their resources, and occupying foreign countries for generations.

Kurt Cobain: Still Dead

It was hard to not like Nirvana in the nineties.

They wore torn clothing, yelled, destroyed their instruments, and did everything that hair rock didn't.

Oh wait, that was EVERY NEW WAVE BAND THAT CAME OUT IN THE LATE EIGHTIES.

Don't get me wrong, I really used to like Nirvana. But it's hard to continue to like Nirvana when every music magazine and every rock countdown special puts them on a pedestal like they cured cancer.

"They did, Phil. They cured the cancer... that was pop music."

No they didn't! They just made a pre-existing genre of music more accessible.

"That may be. But by popularizing that sound, they inspired other bands to do the same!"

Like which bands? The Spin Doctors? Third Eye Blind? Yeah, that's a regular revolution. My God! What would we do without such musical geniuses as Third Eye Blind?!

Here's the problem. 'Nevermind' came out in 1991. Before 1991, hair rock and pop music dominated the music market. After 1991, it was alternative rock. Therefore, Nirvana must have singlehandedly changed the face of rock music for the entire decade. Someone must have come from the future in a phone booth to help them save the world.

So what about those albums that Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Primus, Temple of the Dog, and Red Hot Chili Peppers released that same year? Or the Fugazi album the year before that? Don't think about them. I'm sure they had nothing to do with shaping 90's rock. Shh. Ssssshhhhhhhhhh. Those bands can't hurt you. Nirvana's here to protect you.

Social Retards

How do we pinpoint what's wrong with our society? Lately, hoodies seem to be taking most of the blame. Next week it will be toothpaste.

I think it can be boiled down to one thing: Miseducation (not to be confused with Miss Education. Although Miss Education blew her acceptance speech and didn't do so well in the bathing suit competition, I think we can all agree that Miss Education is doing her best with what she has - a big ass and a big heart.)

I think that in our country it's easier to blame anything other than our own ignorance, which is probably why the US has the largest population of lawyers in the world.

Even now, I caught myself going into a two paragraph tirade about hippies before I deleted it. I'll admit, blaming is a little fun; especially when it's the hippies. Or the Jews. But I digress.

I really don't think Americans are going to start educating themselves anytime soon, so I've come up with another solution. Rather than continue to blame our problems on everyone else, I'm erecting a statue in every town square across the country of a man named "Blame McBlamington". This way, everytime someone wants to blame someone for their failing business, broken condom, or obesity, they can blame Blame McBlamington.

Defenseless black hoodies will rejoice and dance in circles with their hands joined. Peace will break out in every country for approximately 41 years... until we start blaming the Jews for the great statue uprising.

Out-Sorcerer

If you're not blaming the government for all of your problems, then you're not cool.

And apparently if you blame them enough, they give you money.

I liken the mentality in our country to that of a 30 year-old man still living with his enabling parents.

"Josh, honey, I'm sorry to bother you while you're watching Divorce Court. I know you've been very stressed out about the Broncos losing their last game, but did you happen to find a new job or an apartment today?"

"No."

"Okay, dear. Well, maybe next month. Do you need anything?"

"You to remove yourself from the television viewing area."

"Right away. Do you need to borrow any money for your Child Support payment?"

A lot of people in our country blame the government as if they expect them to be able to turn on a light switch and make all of our financial problems disappear. But we already have one of those switches. It's called the lottery.

In my opinion, the economy isn't getting better for two reasons. The first reason is that our economy is too interlocked with other world economies to simply improve independently. And the second reason is that nothing is made in America anymore. Jobs could easily be created in this country, but that means we need to stop buying cheap crap from China.

If everyone starting buying American-made products, the demand for local goods would rise and companies would need to hire to meet consumer demand. Now the only tricky part about that is that the company in question would have to also hire American workers rather than outsource their work to China like Apple. Those little "Made in America" tags and stickers typically clear up those mysteries.

There's only one problem with this. People don't want to stop buying Chinese products because they like the idea of people stripped of their human rights working 18 hours a day in an unventilated factory for 16 cents a day.

We think it's easier on the conscience when we buy a spatula but don't have to see how it's made. It doesn't take an accountant to figure out why it only cost $1.

What I'm getting at is that we don't need the government to kiss our knee every time we scrape it. Business responds to demand, and businesses run the world. At the heart of it all, it's up to us how business is done. We don't need ot take the power back. We've always had it.