Financial Meltdown... and Subsequent Luncheon.

"There are signs that the economy is on the upswing". At least, that's what I hear from my fortune cookie. It's strange when your food knows more about financial news than you do.

It gave me an idea.

I took my financial adviser out to lunch to discuss my investments and planted messages in his fortune cookie (i.e. "Your customers are going to kill you if you don't pull their money out of AIG and GMC" and the more obvious, "What were you thinking?") He asked me about the messages, but I calmly stated that my fortunes said I will be coming into a large fortune. He then asked why his fortunes appeared to be written in the same ink I just used to sign my credit card receipt. I chuckled and replied that many inks look alike.

He went on to tell me that my "coming into a large fortune" probably won't be happening any time soon. I simply told him that it's already happened. While I was treating him to Panda Express my evil henchmen were robbing his office. "Now if you'll excuse me I must be off," I announced and dramatically pulled my cape around my body. Then I turned into one hundred bats and flew back to my castle in the hills.

Phil 1, Big Business 0.

Americash!

America... Land of the free... Home of the brave... Red-headed step-child of China? What?

In light of the recent economic problems... somewhere between the 450 point drop in the DOW and the 450 point increase... I started thinking about the 85 billion dollar bailout of AIG issued by our government. One might ask, "But Soda, isn't the government already in a 420 trillion dollar debt?" Of course they are. But that's alright. We'll just print more money. Then we'll dance in it and make ceremonial, amber-wavey love in it before we give it to insurance and banking giants.

So it goes without saying that the value of the American dollar is quickly becoming that of the Mexican peso at best. So what's next? Start selling bonds! Who wants a piece of America? It looks great on a mantle.

The Chinese are already sleeping outside of the Fort Knox box office waiting for the economic concert tickets to go on sale. Don't get me wrong... I love the Chinese. I love their food, I like their underaged olympians, and I admire their strong, albeit outdated and soooo last season, cling to communism. But you have to admit... it's a little unsettling to think that someday the majority of our country could be owned by another country.

I know what some of you are thinking: More economic stimulus checks! After all, they worked out really well... for me. I bought a new laptop and some stock in Lehman Brothers.

My proposition: Destroy credit.

God forbid we have to start saving our money for shit. See you guys in Food City.