Things I'd Like to See Escape from a Lab

As many of you probably already know, it turns out the swine flu (registered trademark) is the old H1N1 virus that people were getting every year before the 1970s. Most likely, according to articles, it got loose from a lab where it was being experimented on.

There's a part of me that finds it disturbing that dangerous viruses are being experimented with. A smaller part of me finds it disturbing that someone handling potentially deadly viruses is careless enough to let a lab pig loose. Then again, a very large part of me sees opportunity in lab viruses the way oil men see opportunity in national forests.

Labs are like Area 51. No one knows what's going on inside, but every so often someone sees a pig with a turtle shell or aliens with Illuminati tattoos.

Thanks to labs, I'm beginning to think that all of the fantastical things I believed in when I was a kid are possible. After all, there's been talk for years about cloning prehistoric animals. The following is a list of ten things I'd like to see escape from a lab (besides ten zombies).

1. giant sea horses
2. fire breathing lady bugs
3. Dick Cheney's soul
4. mechanical cockroaches
5. minotaurs
6. cows that give Tang instead of milk
7. monkeys that speak with refined british accents
8. a virus that turns everyone into responsible members of society
9. nuclear unicorns
10. Walt Disney's angry, frozen head

Dead Babies and Other Offensive Topics

My brother put it best. 100 people die of Swine Flu and everyone washes their hands. Millions of people die from AIDS and no one wears a condom. And where is the Swine Flu Awareness ribbon? You people think I'm joking, but I looked into the different "awareness" ribbons recently and found that there's virtually a ribbon for ANYTHING. Here are some of the best ones I found:

Acid Reflux Disease Awareness ribbons
Agent Orange Exposure Awareness ribbons
Designated Driver ribbons
Eczema Awareness ribbons
Elderly Abuse Awareness ribbons
Eye Injury Prevention ribbons
Feral Cat Awareness ribbons
Fireworks Safety ribbons
Headaches Awareness ribbons
High Blood Pressure ribbons
Huffing Awareness ribbons
Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness ribbons
Mourning Awareness ribbons
No Unattended Kids in Cars ribbons
Restless Legs Syndrome ribbons
Self Injury Awareness ribbons
Sniffing Awareness ribbons

For the first time ever, I'm not making any of this up.

What do dead babies have to do with any of this? Absolutely nothing.

The Bloody Eye Socket Virus Strikes Again

Swine Flu is a terrible name for a virus. And not because it contains the word "swine" and makes me think of greasy animals rolling in their own filth. It's a terrible name because it's unoriginal. How are people supposed to be afraid of a virus with such a mundane title?

My suggestion would be something that would rival the "Black Death" of the Renaissance. How about "The Bloody Eye Socket Full of Unidentified Larvae Virus" or "The F*** You Up Until You Die A Miserable Lonely Death Virus"? We have a beautiful language full of amazing adjectives.

One country is slaughtering all of its pigs just to be on the safe side. I think that's a great idea. We should also slaughter all people in a one hundred mile radius of any suspected human case and burn down their houses and fields. Eventually twelve of us will be left to live as nuclear mutants in a barren wasteland. Problem solved.