I'm sitting in my car getting ready for the light to change, performing my daily ritual of reading stickers on the backs of cars. There are two stick figures on the back of one, followed by about fifteen little stick figures with names that all begin the same letter. Another car has the name of a tattoo parlor thirty times the size of the actual tattoo they got there. The last one I look at as the signal changes says, "Got God?"
My first thought is, "You can't put that in a glass."
Later that day I see a car sticker that says, "Got Feet?"
Outloud, I actually said, "Got Feet? What the hell does that mean?"
I'm bothered by stickers that read, "Got ____?" They keep me up at night. I fly into drunken rages because of them. I've been arrested and heavily sedated because of them.
It's not clever anymore. It never was. And I don't think people understand that when you take an existing slogan or quote and change one word it isn't original. "Got ____?" is the Abercrombie and Fitch of diction.
...And yes, I realize the irony of my blog's title. Shut up.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sarah Palin: A Tribute
Shocked by the news that Sarah Palin is resigning from her position as Alaska governor, I ran some scenarios over in my head (because choosing to share these ideas in an actual conversation with someone would be a complete waste of time).
My first thought was the publicity. She's got a camera up in her shit all the time now. I suppose that's the price of celebrity.
My second thought (fear) was that she's preparing herself for the 2012 presidency.
So dressed as a caribou, I spent all last week following Sarah Palin to find the truth. And here's what I found.
1. Caribou suits have poor visibility and attract hunters.
2. Sarah Palin spends most of her time in an abandoned warehouse roughing people up tied to chairs.
3. She spends her evenings in the forest with a ouija board, an old blind man, and a virgin.
4. She drinks what appears to be the blood of the innocent, although it could be syrah.
It's obvious what's happening here. Resignation, intimidation, secret meetings, blood orgies... she's going back to school to become a kindergarten teacher.
My first thought was the publicity. She's got a camera up in her shit all the time now. I suppose that's the price of celebrity.
My second thought (fear) was that she's preparing herself for the 2012 presidency.
So dressed as a caribou, I spent all last week following Sarah Palin to find the truth. And here's what I found.
1. Caribou suits have poor visibility and attract hunters.
2. Sarah Palin spends most of her time in an abandoned warehouse roughing people up tied to chairs.
3. She spends her evenings in the forest with a ouija board, an old blind man, and a virgin.
4. She drinks what appears to be the blood of the innocent, although it could be syrah.
It's obvious what's happening here. Resignation, intimidation, secret meetings, blood orgies... she's going back to school to become a kindergarten teacher.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
How Not to be a Douche: Step One
I've listened to a lot of criticism of Barack Obama. That's to be expected. He's a politician, and no politician in history has been able to please all of the people all of the time.
The most common criticism I've heard is about his promises. He's promised to do things he hasn't done yet. But when you've got to fix the amount of devastation he's been left with, you've got to prioritize.
There is one thing, however, that really bothered me. A large amount of people were upset that Barack Obama isn't taking a strong stance on Iran. Some of these people are upset for political reasons, but it's the people who are upset about this for humanitarian reasons who got me upset.
The unfortunate part of a republic is that we elect people we think will represent us to make decisions for us. That doesn't always happen the way we want. Some things are beyond our control.
But people often complain about things they have control over.
If I have to hear one more person compain about America not being involved in humanitarian aide in other countries, I'm going to kick a puppy. I am going to KICK... a puppy.
There are dozens of organizations that exist for this very reason (humanitarian aide, not kicking puppies). We have the Red Cross, Amnesty, and Oxfam to name a few. These organizations thrive on volunteer work and donations and they do a lot of good. All anyone has to do is go to a website for one of these organizations to find out what they can do.
What I'm trying to say is stop bitching about the world not changing, because you can start changing the world by yourself.
The most common criticism I've heard is about his promises. He's promised to do things he hasn't done yet. But when you've got to fix the amount of devastation he's been left with, you've got to prioritize.
There is one thing, however, that really bothered me. A large amount of people were upset that Barack Obama isn't taking a strong stance on Iran. Some of these people are upset for political reasons, but it's the people who are upset about this for humanitarian reasons who got me upset.
The unfortunate part of a republic is that we elect people we think will represent us to make decisions for us. That doesn't always happen the way we want. Some things are beyond our control.
But people often complain about things they have control over.
If I have to hear one more person compain about America not being involved in humanitarian aide in other countries, I'm going to kick a puppy. I am going to KICK... a puppy.
There are dozens of organizations that exist for this very reason (humanitarian aide, not kicking puppies). We have the Red Cross, Amnesty, and Oxfam to name a few. These organizations thrive on volunteer work and donations and they do a lot of good. All anyone has to do is go to a website for one of these organizations to find out what they can do.
What I'm trying to say is stop bitching about the world not changing, because you can start changing the world by yourself.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Sign Spinning: The New Romance Language
America.
It's an amazing place. And one thing I find especially amazing is free enterprise. If you're good at something, you can make money at it.
Amid my travels today, I saw a man spinning a sign on the corner. I found myself hypnotized by his advanced sign spinning skills, but was able to tear my gaze away from his hands and down to his shirt. On it was an icon of another man spinning a sign. This sign spinner I was admiring was outsourced.
That's right. There are actually companies that employ and train people to spin signs for other companies. In fact, there's probably someone spinning a sign right now at a job fair for future sign spinners. By 2014, Arizona State is going to have a sign spinning department.
Recently I was in downtown Phoenix and witnessed two kids spinning large pieces of cardboard with a box of money in front of them.
At this point I'd like to piggyback a question on my free enterprise comment.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Mozart composed esoteric symphonies and operas. DaVinci invented something new every day. Michelangelo created paintings that would make God weep. Now we're applauding and cheering people for spinning cardboard behind their backs.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're living in a time I am hereby dubbing THE ANTI-RENAISSANCE: A time when we celebrate the mundane.
Keep your fingers crossed for a plague.
It's an amazing place. And one thing I find especially amazing is free enterprise. If you're good at something, you can make money at it.
Amid my travels today, I saw a man spinning a sign on the corner. I found myself hypnotized by his advanced sign spinning skills, but was able to tear my gaze away from his hands and down to his shirt. On it was an icon of another man spinning a sign. This sign spinner I was admiring was outsourced.
That's right. There are actually companies that employ and train people to spin signs for other companies. In fact, there's probably someone spinning a sign right now at a job fair for future sign spinners. By 2014, Arizona State is going to have a sign spinning department.
Recently I was in downtown Phoenix and witnessed two kids spinning large pieces of cardboard with a box of money in front of them.
At this point I'd like to piggyback a question on my free enterprise comment.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Mozart composed esoteric symphonies and operas. DaVinci invented something new every day. Michelangelo created paintings that would make God weep. Now we're applauding and cheering people for spinning cardboard behind their backs.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're living in a time I am hereby dubbing THE ANTI-RENAISSANCE: A time when we celebrate the mundane.
Keep your fingers crossed for a plague.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Letter to God, Part 5
Our Father Who Art In Heaven:
How are the kids? I'm thinking about having one. Being a man who has about six billion of them, what kind of advice could you give me?
I've been thinking a lot about death. I've decided that if and when I come back after I die, I'd like to come back as a sequel.
Before I reenter this world, I think it would be cool to have a tag line for Phil Part II. I was thinking something like, "One Man. One Life. One More Time."
I'm also going to need a sub-title; like Terminator 5: Rise of Christian Bale's Blood Pressure.
I'll send you the preliminary script for my next life. You can let me know what you think. I'm sure you have some great ideas. Oh, and I'd really like to play the part of me if it's possible.
Phil
How are the kids? I'm thinking about having one. Being a man who has about six billion of them, what kind of advice could you give me?
I've been thinking a lot about death. I've decided that if and when I come back after I die, I'd like to come back as a sequel.
Before I reenter this world, I think it would be cool to have a tag line for Phil Part II. I was thinking something like, "One Man. One Life. One More Time."
I'm also going to need a sub-title; like Terminator 5: Rise of Christian Bale's Blood Pressure.
I'll send you the preliminary script for my next life. You can let me know what you think. I'm sure you have some great ideas. Oh, and I'd really like to play the part of me if it's possible.
Phil
Monday, June 15, 2009
Taxes: Good for Everyone but You
I, like most people, look at my before-tax earnings on my paycheck and say, "Yes!". Then I look at my after-tax earnings and say, "No! Goddamnit!"
I take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that without taxes I'd be driving on dirt roads full of dead animals. Then I look at my Social Security and Medicare taxes and punch a hole in the space-time continuum with my rage.
Why? I'm thirty years old and I'm never going to see a dime of either of those funds.
When I retire I'm going to have a 401K (which will translate to an IOU by the time I'm sixty) and a years of service watch which I'll pawn to pay for my Netflix bill.
But I hold one small candle of hope: That someday we'll have free healthcare.
When I'm an old man having to sell my Wind Energy stock so I can afford to supersize my McDonald's Big Tofu Mac and Asparagus Fries, I want to take comfort in knowning that I don't have to come up with the money to see a doctor when my colon starts to rot.
There's just one problem with this beautiful idea of free healthcare. To do it, we'll probably have to pay more in taxes. And as we all know Americans don't like to do anything that involves an ounce of sacrifice.
So rather than give up a few extra dollars on our paychecks, I have a solution:
We should all spend thousands of dollars on health insurance, co-pays, tests, prescriptions, and hospital visits.
It's genius.
I take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that without taxes I'd be driving on dirt roads full of dead animals. Then I look at my Social Security and Medicare taxes and punch a hole in the space-time continuum with my rage.
Why? I'm thirty years old and I'm never going to see a dime of either of those funds.
When I retire I'm going to have a 401K (which will translate to an IOU by the time I'm sixty) and a years of service watch which I'll pawn to pay for my Netflix bill.
But I hold one small candle of hope: That someday we'll have free healthcare.
When I'm an old man having to sell my Wind Energy stock so I can afford to supersize my McDonald's Big Tofu Mac and Asparagus Fries, I want to take comfort in knowning that I don't have to come up with the money to see a doctor when my colon starts to rot.
There's just one problem with this beautiful idea of free healthcare. To do it, we'll probably have to pay more in taxes. And as we all know Americans don't like to do anything that involves an ounce of sacrifice.
So rather than give up a few extra dollars on our paychecks, I have a solution:
We should all spend thousands of dollars on health insurance, co-pays, tests, prescriptions, and hospital visits.
It's genius.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Things I'd Like to See Escape from a Lab
As many of you probably already know, it turns out the swine flu (registered trademark) is the old H1N1 virus that people were getting every year before the 1970s. Most likely, according to articles, it got loose from a lab where it was being experimented on.
There's a part of me that finds it disturbing that dangerous viruses are being experimented with. A smaller part of me finds it disturbing that someone handling potentially deadly viruses is careless enough to let a lab pig loose. Then again, a very large part of me sees opportunity in lab viruses the way oil men see opportunity in national forests.
Labs are like Area 51. No one knows what's going on inside, but every so often someone sees a pig with a turtle shell or aliens with Illuminati tattoos.
Thanks to labs, I'm beginning to think that all of the fantastical things I believed in when I was a kid are possible. After all, there's been talk for years about cloning prehistoric animals. The following is a list of ten things I'd like to see escape from a lab (besides ten zombies).
1. giant sea horses
2. fire breathing lady bugs
3. Dick Cheney's soul
4. mechanical cockroaches
5. minotaurs
6. cows that give Tang instead of milk
7. monkeys that speak with refined british accents
8. a virus that turns everyone into responsible members of society
9. nuclear unicorns
10. Walt Disney's angry, frozen head
There's a part of me that finds it disturbing that dangerous viruses are being experimented with. A smaller part of me finds it disturbing that someone handling potentially deadly viruses is careless enough to let a lab pig loose. Then again, a very large part of me sees opportunity in lab viruses the way oil men see opportunity in national forests.
Labs are like Area 51. No one knows what's going on inside, but every so often someone sees a pig with a turtle shell or aliens with Illuminati tattoos.
Thanks to labs, I'm beginning to think that all of the fantastical things I believed in when I was a kid are possible. After all, there's been talk for years about cloning prehistoric animals. The following is a list of ten things I'd like to see escape from a lab (besides ten zombies).
1. giant sea horses
2. fire breathing lady bugs
3. Dick Cheney's soul
4. mechanical cockroaches
5. minotaurs
6. cows that give Tang instead of milk
7. monkeys that speak with refined british accents
8. a virus that turns everyone into responsible members of society
9. nuclear unicorns
10. Walt Disney's angry, frozen head
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)