I'm not gay... but my alternate personality is.

If I were gay, the prospect of wearing tights, a cape, and a mask every night would be an enticing one.

This is why I don't understand why there aren't more gay superheroes.

I think this world is ready for a gay vigilante.

My question of the week is: If you were a gay comic book hero, what would your name be and who would be your arch nemesis?

Think for Yourself? What were you Thinking?

I'm done with work.

I don't mean I'm off and going home.

I mean I've realized that working is pointless.

"Woah there, buddy," you say. "You can't just quit! Think about your bills! Think about your cats! Think about FICA!!!"

Oh... I have.

It dawned on me recently that we only need jobs for two reasons: (a) We're too lazy to grow and make our own products, and (b) there are a startling number of businesses out there profiting on that idea by offering us what we think we can't live without.

We're no different than trained Sea Monkeys.

Think about it for a moment.

Consider banks. Consider insurance. Consider "Dancing with the Stars."

Now stop considering all of those things because I already have. I'll do your thinking from now on for a mere thirty dollars a month. That's the price of a gym membership! Free up your brain so you can burn more calories. As a matter of fact, brain fat accounts for ninety percent of the total fat in your body! Ninety Percent!

Paypal is accepted through my business's website at www.stopthinkingforyourselfandstartburningbraincalories.org.

Get lean and become a machine.

Speedy Getaway

After leaving work yesterday I accidentally entered the intersection not realizing there wasn't enough room to go all the way through. When my light turned red the rear of my car was partially blocking the left hand turn lane. The man turning, with his window down, yelled "f*cker!", and drove away very quickly.

My first instinct was to yell back. My second instinct was to reverse into his car. My third instinct was to follow him home, get out of my car, and start screaming random biblical references about the end of the world while I seized and drooled violently on his front lawn.

After I ran different scenarios through my head and laughed childishly, I had an epiphany:

When people are gridlocked in traffic and you're driving the other way, you can pretty much say or do anything you want without fear of repercussion.

So here's what I did:

Today was a hot day, and people had their windows down. I made seven hundred copies of my band's CD, and then I tossed them into car windows as I drove by and shouted "The answer to mediocrity has arrived!". This was the best idea I'd ever had.

Unfortunately, when I got home I realized that I hadn't downloaded any of my music to those CDs. Instead, I had accidentally burned pages and pages of Communist propaganda onto those discs.

Question of the week March 24

Let's start something new so that I'll actually write and check blogs more often since the story thing isn't working out so well. I still want to do it, but time prevents me from staying regular (in writing, not my bowels).

Question of the week:

If you could choose one band to write a soundtrack to your life who would it be and why?

Hook a brother up with an answer! Then I'll post my answer next week :)