Reincarnation Instant Breakfast

The other day two coworkers of mine were discussing reincarnation.

"... like if you're good in this life you come back as a human, but if you're bad then you'll come back as a frog?" one of them clarified.

At that moment I considered the papers scattered across my cubicle desk, my two dozen unanswered emails, the work I was having to come in and do this weekend, my bills, my inevitable hour drive home through rush-hour traffic, and the constant threat of nuclear war.

Yup. I can't wait to come back and do all this over again.

Maybe that's why the world is overpopulated. There were a lot of insects and sea creatures doing such kick-ass jobs that they got promoted to human status. But the only real experience they had when they were locusts was destroying crops, so now they just do things like consume large amounts of gasoline and join the Tea Party.

The truth is I love the idea of reincarnation. I'd like to think that I get to come back and try something new. But there's no chance in hell I'm ever coming back as a human, because I'm positive that we got it all backwards. My cats get free food, free shelter, free sand to shit in AND someone to clean it up (occasionally). I think it's safe to say that my cats are enjoying a stress-free life.

I brought this up to the gods recently at our last underground fight club. They all took a look at my report, nodded, and whispered amongst each other before coming to a conclusion. "I think I speak for us all," Vishnu said to me, "when I say... woops."

Together we drew up a new hierarchy of desired incarnations. These are the top ten. You'll notice humans didn't make the list as they are 'desired incarnation number 32,978' just below 'plastic bag'.

10. a dog

9. a great white shark

8. a kangaroo signed up as a last minute replacement in a boxing match

7. a 17th century manuscript about the oppression of robots

6. a venti Mocha Frappucino from Starbucks

5. an original 1973 vinyl copy of The Dark Side of the Moon

4. a rare dolphin born with the ability to spray orange soda from its blow hole

3. a nice set of decorative towels

2. Super Mario

1. a bowl of Capn Crunch

Bert & Ernie: Another Great Loss for Gay Rights

It came to my attention the other day that the great debate over whether or not Bert and Ernie were to become the first recognized gay puppet couple came to an end.

Despite the myriad petitions and the increasing pressure on PBS, Bert and Ernie were not meant to be a gay couple.

And I said to myself, "Thank puppet God."

Now don't get me wrong. Any of you who know me well know that I am a major defender of gay rights. If a man wants to marry a man, give me a pen. I'll sign your petition and I'll march in your parade. People love who they love and that's that. Let everyone be happy and free.

Except puppets.

I am categorically opposed to gay puppet rights. "For what reason?" you ask. "Puppets deserve equal rights!" you say. Because it goes against what I was raised to believe in the puppet bible when I went to puppet Sunday School.

Our puppet priest pointed out a passage with his puppety fingers in Puppetians 4:28 which read, "One puppet shall not lay down with another puppet, for it is a sin." Then he closed the puppet bible and placed his hand on mine. "But it is not a sin for a human to lay with his puppet priest."

And even though it was about that time that my parents decided we should no longer attend puppet church, that passage resonated with me. So I apologize, puppets. But you shall never have my vote.