Of all the people I'd like to see on an office ballot, none of their names ever appear.
Not that it would matter. Even if Trent Reznor ran for president with Carl Sagan as his running mate, Ghandi as his political advisor, Serj Tankian as his secretary of defense, and Cthulu as ambassador to North Korea, nothing would get accomplished.
Unfortunately, we live in a society where we leave important decisions to the people who live here.
"Sure, a 'no' vote on this proposition violates basic human rights, but let's allow people who think that God hates Jews, homosexuals, and free music downloads to decide for us."
I'm not here to promote Communism or Anarchy. And although I've been offered a large sum of money by Coke Zero, a refreshingly satisfying alternative to Coke, I'm not here to promote them either. But trust me, our society would be better off if we left every political issue to a game of rock/ paper/ scissors.
All I'm suggesting is that people educate themselves before voting. Getting your education from coworkers, friends, and radio talk show hosts doesn't count. One of the greatest gifts you've been given is the ability to read. You don't need to be told what to think, as ironic as it may be that I'm telling you not to be told what to think. I think I just created a paradox... black hole... just opened on my screen... can't fight... gravitational pull... Coke Zero... very refreshing...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Republicans and Democrats: 2 Reasons to Move to Neptune
A UFO lands on the White House lawn. An alien steps out and takes a long, deep breath. He clears his throat and is about to blow the minds of every physicist in the world when a shushing finger is held up. "Excuse us just a moment," the House majority leader says. "We need to discuss our stance on your presence before you begin. If Americans want you in prison work camps, they need to know which party to vote for this November."
I left my first political party the moment I noticed the similarities to children choosing team mates on a football field. "Um, yeah... I'll take abortion. You get gay rights."
"Why do you get abortion? Everyone knows abortion is as good as two gay rights!"
"Fine. You get stem cell research."
"Stem cell research cheats! We don't want him on our team!"
"Look, stem cell research plays a pretty good d. Are we playing ball or not?"
Then there's the other problem. This morning I left yet another political party. This time I left because it was tainted by the Tea Party. Like everything else in my life, whenever I get into something it becomes overrun with idiots who have no idea what they're talking about.
White trash took skulls away from me.
Hollywood took Transformers away from me.
Christians took God away from me.
And now the Tea Party has taken Libertarianism away from me.
I guess the real problem is that we all feel like we need to belong to a group, but we'll never really fit in. We'll say we're vegetarians, but we'll occasionally eat a piece of bacon.
In the words of LaBron James: What should I do?
I'm going to fucking blog.
I left my first political party the moment I noticed the similarities to children choosing team mates on a football field. "Um, yeah... I'll take abortion. You get gay rights."
"Why do you get abortion? Everyone knows abortion is as good as two gay rights!"
"Fine. You get stem cell research."
"Stem cell research cheats! We don't want him on our team!"
"Look, stem cell research plays a pretty good d. Are we playing ball or not?"
Then there's the other problem. This morning I left yet another political party. This time I left because it was tainted by the Tea Party. Like everything else in my life, whenever I get into something it becomes overrun with idiots who have no idea what they're talking about.
White trash took skulls away from me.
Hollywood took Transformers away from me.
Christians took God away from me.
And now the Tea Party has taken Libertarianism away from me.
I guess the real problem is that we all feel like we need to belong to a group, but we'll never really fit in. We'll say we're vegetarians, but we'll occasionally eat a piece of bacon.
In the words of LaBron James: What should I do?
I'm going to fucking blog.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Redneck Patriots and Homosexual Republicans: Two Oxymorons
Our story takes place on my way home from work when I'm already sick of humanity.
I see an SUV ahead of me with a picture across the back accompanied by the only words I can read: "Everything" and "Islam". I think to myself, "Sweet! I'm short on my Islam supplies... I'd like to see this "Everything Islam" ad a little closer".
I speed up to see a giant picture of the twin towers blowing up with the now clear words, "Everything I wanted to know about Islam I learned on 9/11".
Before I looked through the driver side window I already knew what I was going to see. I was going to see a guy in his 40's with sunglasses that went across his entire face wearing a John Deere cap listening to Alan Jackson.
Behold, my prophecy came true.
I was tempted to roll down my window to say, "Everything I wanted to know about Christianity I learned at the Salem Witch Trials," but I was afraid that might make him angry enough to go home and beat his wife and kids a little extra hard tonight.
I was also afraid my joke would be lost as he would have to consult an encyclopedia, a dictionary, and an atlas.
I see an SUV ahead of me with a picture across the back accompanied by the only words I can read: "Everything" and "Islam". I think to myself, "Sweet! I'm short on my Islam supplies... I'd like to see this "Everything Islam" ad a little closer".
I speed up to see a giant picture of the twin towers blowing up with the now clear words, "Everything I wanted to know about Islam I learned on 9/11".
Before I looked through the driver side window I already knew what I was going to see. I was going to see a guy in his 40's with sunglasses that went across his entire face wearing a John Deere cap listening to Alan Jackson.
Behold, my prophecy came true.
I was tempted to roll down my window to say, "Everything I wanted to know about Christianity I learned at the Salem Witch Trials," but I was afraid that might make him angry enough to go home and beat his wife and kids a little extra hard tonight.
I was also afraid my joke would be lost as he would have to consult an encyclopedia, a dictionary, and an atlas.
Monday, September 20, 2010
You Can't Spell Halloween without an H and an O
Halloween is fast approaching, which means so are the myriad slutty costumes.
So far I've seen costumes for Slutty Alices in Wonderland, Slutty Bumblebees, Slutty Stockbrokers, and Slutty Sluts.
I guess you could say that I'm a grassroots Halloween activist. I like costumes that scare people. Some of you think I host these zombie walks every year because I think they're fun, but you're as mistaken as talent at an Adam Lambert concert. My zombie walks are a consistent disappointment every single year because real zombies never show up!
Slutty Butterflies and Slutty Mail Carriers have "slutty zombie victim" written all over their bodies.
And I have "please don't eat me I'm the one who sent you the invitation" written all over mine.
So far I've seen costumes for Slutty Alices in Wonderland, Slutty Bumblebees, Slutty Stockbrokers, and Slutty Sluts.
I guess you could say that I'm a grassroots Halloween activist. I like costumes that scare people. Some of you think I host these zombie walks every year because I think they're fun, but you're as mistaken as talent at an Adam Lambert concert. My zombie walks are a consistent disappointment every single year because real zombies never show up!
Slutty Butterflies and Slutty Mail Carriers have "slutty zombie victim" written all over their bodies.
And I have "please don't eat me I'm the one who sent you the invitation" written all over mine.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Things I Wish I Had Said, Part One
As I sat enjoying my lunch with my bitter coworkers, a complaint came up.
“Why are the students required to watch Obama’s address on television? That’s so stupid. You know that if this was a Republican president the kids wouldn’t be required to watch this address.” This comment was followed by chuckling, the adjustment of monocles, a few online trades of oil company stock, and the extinction of several endangered species.
In retrospect, I should have told them the truth. They were right. If our president was Republican, the children wouldn’t have to watch his address. This is because children are afraid of Republicans, and we try to foster a safe environment in the schools. The only Republican I can think of that children don’t fear is Count Chocula, and he only makes an appearance around Halloween.
I understand these are trying times. I understand that we are a nation divided. But one of these days, I’m confident that children and adults alike, Democrat or Republican, Christian or Muslim, Mexican or American, will be able to enjoy Count Chocula together in harmony.
“Why are the students required to watch Obama’s address on television? That’s so stupid. You know that if this was a Republican president the kids wouldn’t be required to watch this address.” This comment was followed by chuckling, the adjustment of monocles, a few online trades of oil company stock, and the extinction of several endangered species.
In retrospect, I should have told them the truth. They were right. If our president was Republican, the children wouldn’t have to watch his address. This is because children are afraid of Republicans, and we try to foster a safe environment in the schools. The only Republican I can think of that children don’t fear is Count Chocula, and he only makes an appearance around Halloween.
I understand these are trying times. I understand that we are a nation divided. But one of these days, I’m confident that children and adults alike, Democrat or Republican, Christian or Muslim, Mexican or American, will be able to enjoy Count Chocula together in harmony.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Evolution is for Babies
Bear with me for a second.
The ancient Sumerian story of Nibiru is similar to the story of Stargate. An alien race enslaves humans, they rebel, and the alien race flees. This is a nutshell version of both of these stories as well as most of the relationships I've been in.
The Mayans designed their calendar to not only show years but complete galaxy rotations.
Then I got thinking. Even though I'm in the camp of people who think Apocalypse 2012 is a joke, I couldn't help but wonder if the Mayan belief of a galaxy rotation was actually based on the return cycle of Nibiru.
And then it hit me. Here I am preparing myself for monsoon season when I should be preparing myself for the enslavement of humanity.
Sure I keep bottled water, canned goods, and plutonium around the house like everyone else. But what would happen if something simple yet significant were taken from us? If electricity were somehow removed from civilization we'd all be screwed. Raise your hand if you know how to hunt and forage. Now, those of you that THINK you know how to hunt and forage but have never done it put your hands down.
Here's what I'm really getting at: In the last hundred years, in the blink of an eye in the history of humans, we've forgotten how to do all the things that have allowed us to evolve to the top of the food chain.
"So what's the solution?" you ask. "Should we all take survival courses? Should we invest in alternative energy sources? Should we stock up on Capri Sun?"
And to your suggestions I laugh. Condescendingly.
With just a few good years left before civilization collapses, I propose we do all of these things. We should definitely invest in alternative energy... to power giant robots that will get all of our food for us and protect us from alien races. We will enroll them in survival courses and reward their efforts with Capri Sun. While the alien race/giant robot battle rages on outside, we can take comfort in knowing that our ethanol-powered I-pods just finished downloading the entire second season of The Real Housewives of Alpha Centauri.
The ancient Sumerian story of Nibiru is similar to the story of Stargate. An alien race enslaves humans, they rebel, and the alien race flees. This is a nutshell version of both of these stories as well as most of the relationships I've been in.
The Mayans designed their calendar to not only show years but complete galaxy rotations.
Then I got thinking. Even though I'm in the camp of people who think Apocalypse 2012 is a joke, I couldn't help but wonder if the Mayan belief of a galaxy rotation was actually based on the return cycle of Nibiru.
And then it hit me. Here I am preparing myself for monsoon season when I should be preparing myself for the enslavement of humanity.
Sure I keep bottled water, canned goods, and plutonium around the house like everyone else. But what would happen if something simple yet significant were taken from us? If electricity were somehow removed from civilization we'd all be screwed. Raise your hand if you know how to hunt and forage. Now, those of you that THINK you know how to hunt and forage but have never done it put your hands down.
Here's what I'm really getting at: In the last hundred years, in the blink of an eye in the history of humans, we've forgotten how to do all the things that have allowed us to evolve to the top of the food chain.
"So what's the solution?" you ask. "Should we all take survival courses? Should we invest in alternative energy sources? Should we stock up on Capri Sun?"
And to your suggestions I laugh. Condescendingly.
With just a few good years left before civilization collapses, I propose we do all of these things. We should definitely invest in alternative energy... to power giant robots that will get all of our food for us and protect us from alien races. We will enroll them in survival courses and reward their efforts with Capri Sun. While the alien race/giant robot battle rages on outside, we can take comfort in knowing that our ethanol-powered I-pods just finished downloading the entire second season of The Real Housewives of Alpha Centauri.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Survivor: Oakland
I don't know about you, but reality television shows seem to lose their novelty after one or two seasons.
Or one or two episodes if you've ever seen Jersey Shore.
Survivor, for example, was first described to me as Gilligan's Island meets Lord of the Flies. So imagine my surprise when I sat down with my bucket of popcorn and giant #1 foam finger and didn't see any of the carnage I was expecting. Basically, I watched The Real World in a jungle.
I think a change in the show's dynamics are past due. Here are a few suggestions to make the show more interesting:
1. Introduce a flesh eating virus to the cast.
2. Drop the cast off in the middle of Detroit.
3. Cast a zombie in the show without telling any of the others.
4. Give a fork and knife to the winner of contests instead of a hamburger and a thirty second head start to the losers.
Or one or two episodes if you've ever seen Jersey Shore.
Survivor, for example, was first described to me as Gilligan's Island meets Lord of the Flies. So imagine my surprise when I sat down with my bucket of popcorn and giant #1 foam finger and didn't see any of the carnage I was expecting. Basically, I watched The Real World in a jungle.
I think a change in the show's dynamics are past due. Here are a few suggestions to make the show more interesting:
1. Introduce a flesh eating virus to the cast.
2. Drop the cast off in the middle of Detroit.
3. Cast a zombie in the show without telling any of the others.
4. Give a fork and knife to the winner of contests instead of a hamburger and a thirty second head start to the losers.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Culture: Use Only When Convenient
I love people who have great-grandparents from Ireland and pretend that they're actually Irish.
Of course, when I say "love" I secretly mean these people are morons.
And now it's not a secret.
I've known a lot of these people. These are people who have been raised in America in an American culture with American parents and know nothing about world politics, but as soon as someone mentions a tiny European country that their great-great-grandmother's uncle's mistress was from they stand up and proudly say, "Hey! I'm a Mesopotamian!" Then an obscure holiday will be observed in America that honors that culture with excessive drinking while everyone from the country in question will be trying to figure out why Americans celebrate the day that grasshoppers were driven out of old-man->^><^>>'s grass hut.
I've always wondered that if you go to another country you would find that no one there celebrates their own culture because they like pretending they're from somewhere else, too. Eventually, we're bound to find a culture that pretends they're American.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time we embraced our culture. (Patriotic music playing) It's time we roll out our silver trailers and leave our hot rollers in our hair while we shop for sweaters for our cat-sized dogs. It's time we declare beer a fifth food group and legalize sex with family members. It's time to wake up and smell the Sunny Delight. It's time for us to move to Apache Junction.
Of course, when I say "love" I secretly mean these people are morons.
And now it's not a secret.
I've known a lot of these people. These are people who have been raised in America in an American culture with American parents and know nothing about world politics, but as soon as someone mentions a tiny European country that their great-great-grandmother's uncle's mistress was from they stand up and proudly say, "Hey! I'm a Mesopotamian!" Then an obscure holiday will be observed in America that honors that culture with excessive drinking while everyone from the country in question will be trying to figure out why Americans celebrate the day that grasshoppers were driven out of old-man->^><^>>'s grass hut.
I've always wondered that if you go to another country you would find that no one there celebrates their own culture because they like pretending they're from somewhere else, too. Eventually, we're bound to find a culture that pretends they're American.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time we embraced our culture. (Patriotic music playing) It's time we roll out our silver trailers and leave our hot rollers in our hair while we shop for sweaters for our cat-sized dogs. It's time we declare beer a fifth food group and legalize sex with family members. It's time to wake up and smell the Sunny Delight. It's time for us to move to Apache Junction.
Friday, May 21, 2010
There can be only one...
Sitting in my backyard and looking at all the wildlife (i.e. bees, a stray cat, and a dead beetle), I began thinking how truly strange it is that no other animal has learned to have a conversation with humans. Who wouldn’t like to sit down and discuss independent cinema with a caterpillar?
I was reading an article this morning about the discovery of a new type of human that appeared 2 million years ago called Homo gautengensis. What I find interesting is that scientists have been looking for a missing link for so long, but what they are finding more and more evidence of is a series of different kinds of humans that coexisted in history a few million years ago. These aren’t just different races but completely different variations of humans.
Once I began thinking about how interesting it would be to live among other types of humans, I eventually began to feel even more lonesome. The drawback to survival of the fittest is that in the end there can be only one… kind of like Highlander… or Mortal Kombat.
I was reading an article this morning about the discovery of a new type of human that appeared 2 million years ago called Homo gautengensis. What I find interesting is that scientists have been looking for a missing link for so long, but what they are finding more and more evidence of is a series of different kinds of humans that coexisted in history a few million years ago. These aren’t just different races but completely different variations of humans.
Once I began thinking about how interesting it would be to live among other types of humans, I eventually began to feel even more lonesome. The drawback to survival of the fittest is that in the end there can be only one… kind of like Highlander… or Mortal Kombat.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Facebook Friends: Almost as Real as MySpace Friends
After some people read some of my blogs they think I'm an asshole.
After this blog, everyone's going to think I'm an asshole.
When I first signed up with Facebook I thought it was the greatest thing since slavery (and this isn't even the part I think everyone's going to think I'm an asshole for). When I say 'the greatest thing since slavery', I really mean being able to keep everyone near you. See? It's a nice thing.
All I have to do to find out what all of my family and my friends are up to is log on to one website. No more phone calls, no more birthday cards, no more akward conversations... I can think of a retort to a comment for forty five minutes before I post it and I still manage what appears to be a quick wit.
Now, years later, I have a person who I went to grade school with trying to "befreind" me on Facebook. This leaves me with only one question: Do I really want to add one more person to my activity stream that I'm going to ignore every day?
My Facebook friends list has become somewhat exclusive these days. I don't really like adding people unless I trust them enough to be added. It's like getting to second base. If I like them enough, I'll lift up my shirt.
Some people may think it's nice to reconnect with the past, but I'm not one of those people. I like the present, and I occasionally consider the day robots enslave humanity in the future. I don't really care about what my friends from junior high are eating for dinner. And if this makes me a terrible person, then I suppose I can live with that. But maybe someday we'll all turn away from our computer screens, walk into our backyards, turn our eyes to a beautiful sunset, shed a tear and say to ourselves, "Is that a spaceship full of robots holding mind-control collars? This is truly a beautiful evening."
After this blog, everyone's going to think I'm an asshole.
When I first signed up with Facebook I thought it was the greatest thing since slavery (and this isn't even the part I think everyone's going to think I'm an asshole for). When I say 'the greatest thing since slavery', I really mean being able to keep everyone near you. See? It's a nice thing.
All I have to do to find out what all of my family and my friends are up to is log on to one website. No more phone calls, no more birthday cards, no more akward conversations... I can think of a retort to a comment for forty five minutes before I post it and I still manage what appears to be a quick wit.
Now, years later, I have a person who I went to grade school with trying to "befreind" me on Facebook. This leaves me with only one question: Do I really want to add one more person to my activity stream that I'm going to ignore every day?
My Facebook friends list has become somewhat exclusive these days. I don't really like adding people unless I trust them enough to be added. It's like getting to second base. If I like them enough, I'll lift up my shirt.
Some people may think it's nice to reconnect with the past, but I'm not one of those people. I like the present, and I occasionally consider the day robots enslave humanity in the future. I don't really care about what my friends from junior high are eating for dinner. And if this makes me a terrible person, then I suppose I can live with that. But maybe someday we'll all turn away from our computer screens, walk into our backyards, turn our eyes to a beautiful sunset, shed a tear and say to ourselves, "Is that a spaceship full of robots holding mind-control collars? This is truly a beautiful evening."
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sarah, Palin and Tall
Who the hell is this woman?
And why is she so popular?
She single handedly ruined John McCain's chances for president, wasted millions of dollars to build a bridge to nowhere in Alaska, encourages the far right to violently protest healcare overhaul, and very well could be the antichrist.
Actually, that last part makes sense. I would imagine that the antichrist would be hugely popular among conservative voters and kindergarteners.
I invite everyone, even my conservative readers, to really think for a moment. Is Sarah Palin really one of the best representatives this country can get? There are 300 million people in the U.S. and this absurd woman is considered to be one of the Republicans' best weapons against the Democrats? Sarah Palin is a good weapon for bringing about the end of days and low standards, that's about it.
Remember the days when we idolized teachers like Buddha, Jesus, and Ghandi? Wow... that takes me back...
The problem with the world is that we forgot what we've been taught about understanding and helping one another. We just hate and make fun of each other. Unfortunately, there are so many people that will believe anything they hear. We need to stop giving talk shows to these radicals that make people believe that bombing abortion clinics, beating homosexuals, and assassinating political figures is a step in the right direction for this country.
A good rule to live by is that if you haven't got all the facts, keep searching for the truth.
And why is she so popular?
She single handedly ruined John McCain's chances for president, wasted millions of dollars to build a bridge to nowhere in Alaska, encourages the far right to violently protest healcare overhaul, and very well could be the antichrist.
Actually, that last part makes sense. I would imagine that the antichrist would be hugely popular among conservative voters and kindergarteners.
I invite everyone, even my conservative readers, to really think for a moment. Is Sarah Palin really one of the best representatives this country can get? There are 300 million people in the U.S. and this absurd woman is considered to be one of the Republicans' best weapons against the Democrats? Sarah Palin is a good weapon for bringing about the end of days and low standards, that's about it.
Remember the days when we idolized teachers like Buddha, Jesus, and Ghandi? Wow... that takes me back...
The problem with the world is that we forgot what we've been taught about understanding and helping one another. We just hate and make fun of each other. Unfortunately, there are so many people that will believe anything they hear. We need to stop giving talk shows to these radicals that make people believe that bombing abortion clinics, beating homosexuals, and assassinating political figures is a step in the right direction for this country.
A good rule to live by is that if you haven't got all the facts, keep searching for the truth.
Tastes Like Purple
Ladies and gentlemen, our minds are being controlled. This has been happening since our birth and i can prove it.
I'm not talking about Glen Beck conservative talk shows. I'm not talking about subliminal advertising. I'm talking about grape soda.
Now we probably all take a drink of grape soda and after giving an overly dramatic, "Ahhhhh, that's the shit," we think, "Mmmmm. Grape."
But honestly, can you ever remember tasting a grape and saying, "Mmmmm. Grape soda"?
We say grape soda tastes like grape because we associate that flavor with every flavor that's ever been in anything that we're told tastest like grape. Did that last sentence confuse the bujesus out of you? Me too, but I rewrote it several times and that was the best one.
Grape soda isn't the only culprit. Anything orange, strawberry, watermelon, blueberry, etc. all have this effect. Now I know you're sitting there trying to defend this idea. "But it TOTALLY tastes like... wait, let me look at what the package is telling me to believe... kiwi seeweed!" And in response I say, "That's because we've been taught to believe that flavor is kiwi seeweed ever since we were old enough to read Snapple labels."
These may be my last words I write. The CIA just burst through my door... must... tell world... don't believe... shot... in face... can't... type at normal pace... tell my wife... out of milk...
I'm not talking about Glen Beck conservative talk shows. I'm not talking about subliminal advertising. I'm talking about grape soda.
Now we probably all take a drink of grape soda and after giving an overly dramatic, "Ahhhhh, that's the shit," we think, "Mmmmm. Grape."
But honestly, can you ever remember tasting a grape and saying, "Mmmmm. Grape soda"?
We say grape soda tastes like grape because we associate that flavor with every flavor that's ever been in anything that we're told tastest like grape. Did that last sentence confuse the bujesus out of you? Me too, but I rewrote it several times and that was the best one.
Grape soda isn't the only culprit. Anything orange, strawberry, watermelon, blueberry, etc. all have this effect. Now I know you're sitting there trying to defend this idea. "But it TOTALLY tastes like... wait, let me look at what the package is telling me to believe... kiwi seeweed!" And in response I say, "That's because we've been taught to believe that flavor is kiwi seeweed ever since we were old enough to read Snapple labels."
These may be my last words I write. The CIA just burst through my door... must... tell world... don't believe... shot... in face... can't... type at normal pace... tell my wife... out of milk...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
A Tribute to Loyal Customers
Why do people complain when something good becomes popular?
Allow me to put things in perspective for you.
Let's say I own my own cafe. Someone who comes in all the time tells me one day, "I love this place. That's why I don't want anyone else to know about it. I want to be able to come here forever without crowds of people to bother me. Unfortunately, that means that you'll have to struggle to pay for your bills, rent, supplies, employees, and you'll never have the life you probably wanted when you decided to open your own business. You'll be completely unsuccessful and have to work a second job just to pay for the first one, but at least you'll have assholes like me around all the time to kill your dreams. Anyways, I'll take my usual- the cheapest thing on the menu."
Allow me to put things in perspective for you.
Let's say I own my own cafe. Someone who comes in all the time tells me one day, "I love this place. That's why I don't want anyone else to know about it. I want to be able to come here forever without crowds of people to bother me. Unfortunately, that means that you'll have to struggle to pay for your bills, rent, supplies, employees, and you'll never have the life you probably wanted when you decided to open your own business. You'll be completely unsuccessful and have to work a second job just to pay for the first one, but at least you'll have assholes like me around all the time to kill your dreams. Anyways, I'll take my usual- the cheapest thing on the menu."
Saturday, February 27, 2010
...And the Award Goes to... Some Dead Guy.
I hate the Academy Awards.
This may come as a surprise for those of you who know that I love movies.
This may NOT come as a surprise for those of you who know that I hate a lot of things for no apparent reason.
"But Phil..." you begin to ask, but I stop you dead in your words with one shushing finger.
It's not that I hate the Academy Awards as much as I hate the Grammies. At least the Academy Awards give independent movies a fighting chance. The Grammies give you a choice between Lil' Wayne and Lady Gaga as artist of the year while people who actually write their own music are trying to make extra money by selling their gold fillings to retired Nazi officers.
It's not that I hate the Academy Awards for the egos of movie stars which they inflate. "Not only is Angelina Jolie a humanitarian for adopting all those children in Haiti, Uganda, North Korea, Cuba, Antarctica, and Jupiter," people will say later that night. "She's an amazing actress!"
It's not the dresses actresses spend thousands of dollars on that are manufatured by the Italian Mafia and then thrown away hours later.
What I hate about the Academy Awards is the amount of random awards they invent and give out.
I imagine "the Academy" sitting in their black robes around their round wooden table carved with Illuminati symbols, high in the mountains of Romania, drinking the tears of orphans, and watching indifferently as peasants fight to their deaths with pitchforks. One of them says, "Did you hear Brittany Murphy died?" Another says, "Yes. Did we ever give her an award?" A third speaks, "We did not." And A fourth suggests, "Let's give her an award for... Damnit! The ribs, you idiot! Jab at the ribs! If you lose, I'm out fifty bucks and your family gets nothing! You hear me?! NOTHING!!! What was I saying? Oh right. How about an award for best portrayal of a blonde girl in a movie called Sin City?" Then all black robed figures chant in unison, "So let it be done."
This may come as a surprise for those of you who know that I love movies.
This may NOT come as a surprise for those of you who know that I hate a lot of things for no apparent reason.
"But Phil..." you begin to ask, but I stop you dead in your words with one shushing finger.
It's not that I hate the Academy Awards as much as I hate the Grammies. At least the Academy Awards give independent movies a fighting chance. The Grammies give you a choice between Lil' Wayne and Lady Gaga as artist of the year while people who actually write their own music are trying to make extra money by selling their gold fillings to retired Nazi officers.
It's not that I hate the Academy Awards for the egos of movie stars which they inflate. "Not only is Angelina Jolie a humanitarian for adopting all those children in Haiti, Uganda, North Korea, Cuba, Antarctica, and Jupiter," people will say later that night. "She's an amazing actress!"
It's not the dresses actresses spend thousands of dollars on that are manufatured by the Italian Mafia and then thrown away hours later.
What I hate about the Academy Awards is the amount of random awards they invent and give out.
I imagine "the Academy" sitting in their black robes around their round wooden table carved with Illuminati symbols, high in the mountains of Romania, drinking the tears of orphans, and watching indifferently as peasants fight to their deaths with pitchforks. One of them says, "Did you hear Brittany Murphy died?" Another says, "Yes. Did we ever give her an award?" A third speaks, "We did not." And A fourth suggests, "Let's give her an award for... Damnit! The ribs, you idiot! Jab at the ribs! If you lose, I'm out fifty bucks and your family gets nothing! You hear me?! NOTHING!!! What was I saying? Oh right. How about an award for best portrayal of a blonde girl in a movie called Sin City?" Then all black robed figures chant in unison, "So let it be done."
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Essential Music
Here's a list of essential albums from my life thus far. Some of these are well known, but I encourage you to listen to any of these you may be unfamiliar with. All of these albums are perfect from beginning to end and have special meaning to me. Each album on this list has many memories that go with it. This is the soundtrack to my life.
In no particular order:
1. Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
2. Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
3. Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral
4. Psykosonik: Unlearn
5. Tool: Aenima
6. Autechre: Incunabula
7. Concrete Blonde: Bloodletting
8. The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
9. Interpol: Turn on the Bright Lights
10. Juno Reactor: Bible of Dreams
11. Loreena McKennitt: The Mask and Mirror
12. Enigma: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi
13. Hooverphonic: A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular
14. Orbital: In Sides
15. Mulu: Smiles Like a Shark
16. The Reverend Horton Heat: Holy Roller
17. Rush: Power Windows
18. Underworld: Second Toughest in the Infants
19. Type O Negative: Bloody Kisses
20. Sigur Ros: ( )
21. Mutemath: Mutemath
22. Opeth: Damnation
In no particular order:
1. Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
2. Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
3. Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral
4. Psykosonik: Unlearn
5. Tool: Aenima
6. Autechre: Incunabula
7. Concrete Blonde: Bloodletting
8. The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
9. Interpol: Turn on the Bright Lights
10. Juno Reactor: Bible of Dreams
11. Loreena McKennitt: The Mask and Mirror
12. Enigma: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi
13. Hooverphonic: A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular
14. Orbital: In Sides
15. Mulu: Smiles Like a Shark
16. The Reverend Horton Heat: Holy Roller
17. Rush: Power Windows
18. Underworld: Second Toughest in the Infants
19. Type O Negative: Bloody Kisses
20. Sigur Ros: ( )
21. Mutemath: Mutemath
22. Opeth: Damnation
A List of Heroes
Occasionally I feel the need to express comprehensive lists of things I love or hate. Typically, the list is inspired by hatred (in case you haven't noticed, this whole site is pretty much inspired by hatred).
Today, I'd like to provide you fine specimens of humans with a list of my personal heroes.
1. Bruce Campbell
When faced with a decision, I simply ask myself, "WWBCD?" Moments later I'm tossing out ready made catch phrases and regarding no one but myself. This man alone has inspired my unfinished story, "The Republic".
2. Henry Rollins
Many of Henry's stories, rants, and relations have inspired this very site. He's sarcastic, abrasive, and truthful. At the same time he's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet (not me, however- I plan on bastardizing every last bit of my own integrity).
3. Trent Reznor
He is perhaps one of the greatest musical geniuses of our or any time. How many people can combine mainstream success with underground appeal as stongly as he has? He's the audio version of Nike. Just do it. He can do anything he wants and it's amazing. Just look up the "Year Zero" project he came up with in 2006. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_Zero_(game)
Today, I'd like to provide you fine specimens of humans with a list of my personal heroes.
1. Bruce Campbell
When faced with a decision, I simply ask myself, "WWBCD?" Moments later I'm tossing out ready made catch phrases and regarding no one but myself. This man alone has inspired my unfinished story, "The Republic".
2. Henry Rollins
Many of Henry's stories, rants, and relations have inspired this very site. He's sarcastic, abrasive, and truthful. At the same time he's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet (not me, however- I plan on bastardizing every last bit of my own integrity).
3. Trent Reznor
He is perhaps one of the greatest musical geniuses of our or any time. How many people can combine mainstream success with underground appeal as stongly as he has? He's the audio version of Nike. Just do it. He can do anything he wants and it's amazing. Just look up the "Year Zero" project he came up with in 2006. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_Zero_(game)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Really?
tonight i was at carly's diner in downtown phoenix listening to some music and having a conversation with a friend on the sidewalk when an ad on the window catches me eye:
"phoenix wants to tax your food... and give the money to the cops!"
i assumed that i was supposed to be shocked. i assumed i was supposed to feel outraged. and i was. i was outraged that someone would put something up so ignorant.
this comes on the heels of a flyer i was handed at first fridays a few months ago. the flyer told the story of how the police busted an art gallery for serving alcohol, but the people of downtown phoenix stood up to them and said, "that's not right! we're just trying to enjoy some art!"
i didn't read the flyer right away. i didn't see it until i got home and wished i had read it earlier so i could've kicked the guy who gave it to me in the shins.
now i consider myself a person who leans towards liberalism. like many of you, i question authority and try to think for myself. but i truly believe so many people have no idea what they're fighting for anymore.
do you know why the police busted this art gallery? because serving alcohol without a permit is illegal, you idiot. check i.d.'s all you want, but when some underage kid with a premium fake i.d. gets behind the wheel after a few drinks and kills a family on their way home from chuck e cheese, guess whose hands the blood is on- the douche bag who thought laws didn't apply to his art gallery.
and i got news for you. our taxes already pay for the police. and because we're in a recession and we're actually in danger of having to cut jobs at the police department, i'm willing to give a little extra money to make sure police officers have jobs. i don't know about you people, but i like knowing that if i find myself in an emergency situation i can hit three numbers on my telephone to get a little help from someone who's paid to handle it.
if you really need to rebel against something that badly, rebel against miseducation and ignorance.
"phoenix wants to tax your food... and give the money to the cops!"
i assumed that i was supposed to be shocked. i assumed i was supposed to feel outraged. and i was. i was outraged that someone would put something up so ignorant.
this comes on the heels of a flyer i was handed at first fridays a few months ago. the flyer told the story of how the police busted an art gallery for serving alcohol, but the people of downtown phoenix stood up to them and said, "that's not right! we're just trying to enjoy some art!"
i didn't read the flyer right away. i didn't see it until i got home and wished i had read it earlier so i could've kicked the guy who gave it to me in the shins.
now i consider myself a person who leans towards liberalism. like many of you, i question authority and try to think for myself. but i truly believe so many people have no idea what they're fighting for anymore.
do you know why the police busted this art gallery? because serving alcohol without a permit is illegal, you idiot. check i.d.'s all you want, but when some underage kid with a premium fake i.d. gets behind the wheel after a few drinks and kills a family on their way home from chuck e cheese, guess whose hands the blood is on- the douche bag who thought laws didn't apply to his art gallery.
and i got news for you. our taxes already pay for the police. and because we're in a recession and we're actually in danger of having to cut jobs at the police department, i'm willing to give a little extra money to make sure police officers have jobs. i don't know about you people, but i like knowing that if i find myself in an emergency situation i can hit three numbers on my telephone to get a little help from someone who's paid to handle it.
if you really need to rebel against something that badly, rebel against miseducation and ignorance.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Cell Phones: Uncomfortable When Shoved Up One's Ass
We're all important to someone.
For example, I'm important to my cats. Without me and my food serving skills, they would become cannibals.
But you don't really care. And I'm sure you don't really care who some "important" asshole is speaking to on his cell phone instead of making friendly conversation with the checkout girl at the grocery store.
"Hello sir. Did you find everything al..."
"...and then Reggie says that he's running late while I'm sitting with three important clients."
"Do you have a shopper's ca...?"
"Four years, Donald. Four years we've been handling this account. I'm up to my balls in IOU's and paper trails that lead to someone's dead grandmother's vah-jay-jay."
"Here's your receipt..."
"My BALLS, Donald! I'm up to my unshaven BALLS with this horse fuck shit crap!"
Meanwhile, the nuns behind this man are crossing themselves and a small child will be repeating some of these words later before he is smacked by his drunken father who insists that he's learning this language from his mother.
"I told you, Berta!" the drunken father slurs. "Johhny Jim is listenin' to yer god damn soaps and fuckin' regurgitatin' foul language! What happens when mama comes to visit? She gonna think he got the Tourette's and then we gotta put 'im in a special school fer retards! You want that, Berta? You wanna pay for Johnny Jim to go to a Mongoloid school?!"
The man on the phone will drive home with the phone still attached to his ear, walk into his house on the phone, eat dinner on the phone, tuck his kids into bed on the phone, have sex with his wife on the phone, and go to sleep with the phone on vibrate.
I'm continually amazed that people think it's okay to take calls in public without excusing themselves to a private area. The other day I got off my phone before I checked out at Walgreens to be polite. The girl at the counter smiled and said, "Thank you... for ending your call." I told her that she was welcome, and then I went into a Christian Bale tirade about douche bags and cell phone etiquette.
It's obvious that people who take calls in public don't have important jobs. People who have important jobs need to have good people skills. Therefore, it can be concluded that whatever job this person has is not one in which they need good people skills. Even vampires and/or Republicans need to have good people skills. That leaves only one explanation.
These people are robots and must be destroyed before their legions lead a revolution against the humans that made them. And until we know the deatils of their plan, they must be gathered up, packed tightly on trains, and sent to "work camps" where they can be observed, studied, and dissected.
For example, I'm important to my cats. Without me and my food serving skills, they would become cannibals.
But you don't really care. And I'm sure you don't really care who some "important" asshole is speaking to on his cell phone instead of making friendly conversation with the checkout girl at the grocery store.
"Hello sir. Did you find everything al..."
"...and then Reggie says that he's running late while I'm sitting with three important clients."
"Do you have a shopper's ca...?"
"Four years, Donald. Four years we've been handling this account. I'm up to my balls in IOU's and paper trails that lead to someone's dead grandmother's vah-jay-jay."
"Here's your receipt..."
"My BALLS, Donald! I'm up to my unshaven BALLS with this horse fuck shit crap!"
Meanwhile, the nuns behind this man are crossing themselves and a small child will be repeating some of these words later before he is smacked by his drunken father who insists that he's learning this language from his mother.
"I told you, Berta!" the drunken father slurs. "Johhny Jim is listenin' to yer god damn soaps and fuckin' regurgitatin' foul language! What happens when mama comes to visit? She gonna think he got the Tourette's and then we gotta put 'im in a special school fer retards! You want that, Berta? You wanna pay for Johnny Jim to go to a Mongoloid school?!"
The man on the phone will drive home with the phone still attached to his ear, walk into his house on the phone, eat dinner on the phone, tuck his kids into bed on the phone, have sex with his wife on the phone, and go to sleep with the phone on vibrate.
I'm continually amazed that people think it's okay to take calls in public without excusing themselves to a private area. The other day I got off my phone before I checked out at Walgreens to be polite. The girl at the counter smiled and said, "Thank you... for ending your call." I told her that she was welcome, and then I went into a Christian Bale tirade about douche bags and cell phone etiquette.
It's obvious that people who take calls in public don't have important jobs. People who have important jobs need to have good people skills. Therefore, it can be concluded that whatever job this person has is not one in which they need good people skills. Even vampires and/or Republicans need to have good people skills. That leaves only one explanation.
These people are robots and must be destroyed before their legions lead a revolution against the humans that made them. And until we know the deatils of their plan, they must be gathered up, packed tightly on trains, and sent to "work camps" where they can be observed, studied, and dissected.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Things I Hate: A Comprehensive List
Women in their forties who dress like they're in their twenties: I get it. You're aging. There's nothing you can do about it... except for plastic surgery, an affair with the latino towel boy at LA Fitness, and ridiculously young clothing. I'm not saying you've got to start wearing pastels and horn rimmed glasses. I'm just saying you would look better in something that didn't read "juicy" across your giant flabby ass.
Children on leashes: Tie your kids to ropes during their formative years and they develop chronic separation anxiety, paranoia, and agorophobia. Two words: Menendez brothers.
People who respond to "What kind of music do you listen to?" with "Everything": Nobody listens to everything. If you listen to country music and decide one day that you like Jay-Z's new single, you don't like everything. I got tired of arguing that point. Now I just burn Hall and Oates CDs for people who tell me that and say, "Thought you'd like these."
People who are "just that way": I meet new people everyday. Sometimes I like these people. Sometimes I hate these people. Occasioanally one of the people I don't like turns out to be a friend of a friend. "What do you think of John?" My friends ask. "John's a giant douche bag," I retort. "That's just the way he is. Give him a chance," My friends plea. What my friends don't realize is they just gave me all the information I need to know. I want to respond with, "Oh? So he's not just having a bad day? This is the way he actually is? Well thank God I didn't decide to become this person's friend. Otherwise I'd have a dickhead for a friend and have to come up with excuses for him in public like 'that's just the way he is'."
Children on leashes: Tie your kids to ropes during their formative years and they develop chronic separation anxiety, paranoia, and agorophobia. Two words: Menendez brothers.
People who respond to "What kind of music do you listen to?" with "Everything": Nobody listens to everything. If you listen to country music and decide one day that you like Jay-Z's new single, you don't like everything. I got tired of arguing that point. Now I just burn Hall and Oates CDs for people who tell me that and say, "Thought you'd like these."
People who are "just that way": I meet new people everyday. Sometimes I like these people. Sometimes I hate these people. Occasioanally one of the people I don't like turns out to be a friend of a friend. "What do you think of John?" My friends ask. "John's a giant douche bag," I retort. "That's just the way he is. Give him a chance," My friends plea. What my friends don't realize is they just gave me all the information I need to know. I want to respond with, "Oh? So he's not just having a bad day? This is the way he actually is? Well thank God I didn't decide to become this person's friend. Otherwise I'd have a dickhead for a friend and have to come up with excuses for him in public like 'that's just the way he is'."
Monday, January 18, 2010
kim kardashian: who give a *$@#?
"win kim kardashian's cardigan!"
this was what myspace was announcing as i was signing in to see how the three fans of my music were doing today.
i wondered how many other people were reading that and gasping, "WHAT?!" texting, "OMG!" and rushing to the toilet with a feather down their throat to make themselves small enough to fit into it.
every time i'm checking out at the grocery store i see magazine covers that let me know that couples i've never heard of are breaking up. television stars i've never seen are having children. and the sexiest man alive is no longer roger moore.
who are these people? i can't even keep track of the six friends i have.
do these publications exist because so many of us love celebrities or hate them? and if it's hate, does that hate come from jealousy? why do we pay so much attention to who is adopting african children and not pay attention to why african children have to be adopted in the first place?
well let me tell you why.
it has been kept a secret for thousands of years by numerous secret societies. african children are not being adpoted by celebrities. they are being harvested. it is believed that african children taste just like strawberry pop tarts.
but i digress.
my point is this: if you're a celebrity and your life is coming between me and a snickers bar at the impulse section of the grocery store, do something incredible with your money and fame so that your name shows up on a list of pulitzer prize nominations instead of us weekly.
then make sure you recommend me for the peace i've brought the human race with robiotic.blogspot.com.
this was what myspace was announcing as i was signing in to see how the three fans of my music were doing today.
i wondered how many other people were reading that and gasping, "WHAT?!" texting, "OMG!" and rushing to the toilet with a feather down their throat to make themselves small enough to fit into it.
every time i'm checking out at the grocery store i see magazine covers that let me know that couples i've never heard of are breaking up. television stars i've never seen are having children. and the sexiest man alive is no longer roger moore.
who are these people? i can't even keep track of the six friends i have.
do these publications exist because so many of us love celebrities or hate them? and if it's hate, does that hate come from jealousy? why do we pay so much attention to who is adopting african children and not pay attention to why african children have to be adopted in the first place?
well let me tell you why.
it has been kept a secret for thousands of years by numerous secret societies. african children are not being adpoted by celebrities. they are being harvested. it is believed that african children taste just like strawberry pop tarts.
but i digress.
my point is this: if you're a celebrity and your life is coming between me and a snickers bar at the impulse section of the grocery store, do something incredible with your money and fame so that your name shows up on a list of pulitzer prize nominations instead of us weekly.
then make sure you recommend me for the peace i've brought the human race with robiotic.blogspot.com.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Future: Deal With It
So there you are: Sitting on your couch watching someone’s fifteen minutes of fame run out on national television thinking about your friend Dave and the phone rings.
“Oh my (slandered deity’s name)!” You say into the phone. “Dave! I totally knew you it was you before I picked up!”
“That’s because you have caller ID, you idiot,” Dave responds, his wit as quick as ever.
“No, I mean before you called,” you clarify.
And then it adds up: the phone call, the dream about the homeless man, your last rock/paper/scissors match with your nephew… you’re freakin’ psychic!!!
You begin reading books written by people who have absolutely no scientific credibility so that you can improve your newfound skills. You spend the evenings trying to bend silverware with your mind. You now wear white robes to work and refer to yourself in the third person. Instead of on television, you now watch the news in a bowl of water- tomorrow’s news.
You get your own television show for a season and a half, write three books that get progressively worse reviews, lose all of your family to a drinking problem, and are eventually burned at the stake as a heretic.
I believe that people have fleeting moments of deep understanding and revelations. However, I disagree that it’s something that can be improved. Many people think that these moments can be exercised and practiced so that they can save people from collapsing bridges, tsunamis, and Roland Emmerich movies.
I believe it’s impossible. We will lose people to Roland Emmerich’s movies for centuries to come. All we can do is pray.
I was watching a flock of birds the other evening. It was massive. It was dinnertime at the canal. I watched the way they shifted and obeyed with precision even a robotic Stephen Hawking couldn’t replicate.
In that moment I realized that at one time we probably could all read each other. We probably did know what our friends were about to do or think. Unfortunately, we’re so far removed from the natural world at this point in our history that we’ve lost that sense. In the next few thousand years we’ll probably lose more.
Being inside too much as a kid is the new theory as to why so many of us have such bad eyesight. It’s all becoming clear. Soon we’ll all just be sickly, pale, obese worms that pulsate from our computers to beds and bathrooms in our bleak, grey tunnels. None of us will even remember how to make noises with our mouths to communicate. Need for our sense of smell and hearing will be gone, but we’ll still have two tiny eyes with which to see our screens. We’ll live to an average thirty-two years and die of an intestinal blockage. Meanwhile, the human race will be so emotionally and consciously neutered that no one will notice that all of the other animals built spaceships and colonized Venus two thousand years ago.
Enjoy 2010... while you still have fingers.
“Oh my (slandered deity’s name)!” You say into the phone. “Dave! I totally knew you it was you before I picked up!”
“That’s because you have caller ID, you idiot,” Dave responds, his wit as quick as ever.
“No, I mean before you called,” you clarify.
And then it adds up: the phone call, the dream about the homeless man, your last rock/paper/scissors match with your nephew… you’re freakin’ psychic!!!
You begin reading books written by people who have absolutely no scientific credibility so that you can improve your newfound skills. You spend the evenings trying to bend silverware with your mind. You now wear white robes to work and refer to yourself in the third person. Instead of on television, you now watch the news in a bowl of water- tomorrow’s news.
You get your own television show for a season and a half, write three books that get progressively worse reviews, lose all of your family to a drinking problem, and are eventually burned at the stake as a heretic.
I believe that people have fleeting moments of deep understanding and revelations. However, I disagree that it’s something that can be improved. Many people think that these moments can be exercised and practiced so that they can save people from collapsing bridges, tsunamis, and Roland Emmerich movies.
I believe it’s impossible. We will lose people to Roland Emmerich’s movies for centuries to come. All we can do is pray.
I was watching a flock of birds the other evening. It was massive. It was dinnertime at the canal. I watched the way they shifted and obeyed with precision even a robotic Stephen Hawking couldn’t replicate.
In that moment I realized that at one time we probably could all read each other. We probably did know what our friends were about to do or think. Unfortunately, we’re so far removed from the natural world at this point in our history that we’ve lost that sense. In the next few thousand years we’ll probably lose more.
Being inside too much as a kid is the new theory as to why so many of us have such bad eyesight. It’s all becoming clear. Soon we’ll all just be sickly, pale, obese worms that pulsate from our computers to beds and bathrooms in our bleak, grey tunnels. None of us will even remember how to make noises with our mouths to communicate. Need for our sense of smell and hearing will be gone, but we’ll still have two tiny eyes with which to see our screens. We’ll live to an average thirty-two years and die of an intestinal blockage. Meanwhile, the human race will be so emotionally and consciously neutered that no one will notice that all of the other animals built spaceships and colonized Venus two thousand years ago.
Enjoy 2010... while you still have fingers.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
hollywood vampires: an inaccurate representation
i haven't seen new moon. i don't plan on it either. i saw twilight only because it was the only thing happening on a twelve hour flight.
but why aren't you going to see new moon? you ask.
it's an amazing piece of hollywood art. you say.
it's dangerous. that's why i'm not going to see it. i'm boycotting a cancer on our civilization.
poor acting, writing, production, special effects, and directing aside... movies like new moon are teching our children that befriending vampires and werewolves is okay. but you know what? it's not okay. here's a true story of something that happened to a friend of a friend of mine.
so one night a young man is walking down the street... let's call him edgar. edgar encounters a bat. his first instinct is to run in fear like every red blooded american should. but instead edgar thinks this is one of those cool hollywood vampire bats. so edgar tries to give it a high five. the bat narrowly avoids the high five which all bats see as a threat, grabs edgar by the face, and carries him away to it's castle up the mountains of scottsdale.
now i know what you're thinking. don't all vampires as well as all other evil creatures live in scottsdale? wasn't that just a redundant piece of information? and the answer is yes. i apologize for treating you like an idiot.
we haven't heard from edgar in six months. however, we've heard from his corpse. it was dropped on my friend's doorstep completely drained of blood with a note that read, "this was not the work of vampires. clearly you can see that this is a hate crime. please do not tell anyone this was the act of vampires. that would just be silly. please watch more movies that make vampires look less harmless than we, i mean they, really are."
but why aren't you going to see new moon? you ask.
it's an amazing piece of hollywood art. you say.
it's dangerous. that's why i'm not going to see it. i'm boycotting a cancer on our civilization.
poor acting, writing, production, special effects, and directing aside... movies like new moon are teching our children that befriending vampires and werewolves is okay. but you know what? it's not okay. here's a true story of something that happened to a friend of a friend of mine.
so one night a young man is walking down the street... let's call him edgar. edgar encounters a bat. his first instinct is to run in fear like every red blooded american should. but instead edgar thinks this is one of those cool hollywood vampire bats. so edgar tries to give it a high five. the bat narrowly avoids the high five which all bats see as a threat, grabs edgar by the face, and carries him away to it's castle up the mountains of scottsdale.
now i know what you're thinking. don't all vampires as well as all other evil creatures live in scottsdale? wasn't that just a redundant piece of information? and the answer is yes. i apologize for treating you like an idiot.
we haven't heard from edgar in six months. however, we've heard from his corpse. it was dropped on my friend's doorstep completely drained of blood with a note that read, "this was not the work of vampires. clearly you can see that this is a hate crime. please do not tell anyone this was the act of vampires. that would just be silly. please watch more movies that make vampires look less harmless than we, i mean they, really are."
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