How Not to be a Douche: Step One

I've listened to a lot of criticism of Barack Obama. That's to be expected. He's a politician, and no politician in history has been able to please all of the people all of the time.

The most common criticism I've heard is about his promises. He's promised to do things he hasn't done yet. But when you've got to fix the amount of devastation he's been left with, you've got to prioritize.

There is one thing, however, that really bothered me. A large amount of people were upset that Barack Obama isn't taking a strong stance on Iran. Some of these people are upset for political reasons, but it's the people who are upset about this for humanitarian reasons who got me upset.

The unfortunate part of a republic is that we elect people we think will represent us to make decisions for us. That doesn't always happen the way we want. Some things are beyond our control.

But people often complain about things they have control over.

If I have to hear one more person compain about America not being involved in humanitarian aide in other countries, I'm going to kick a puppy. I am going to KICK... a puppy.

There are dozens of organizations that exist for this very reason (humanitarian aide, not kicking puppies). We have the Red Cross, Amnesty, and Oxfam to name a few. These organizations thrive on volunteer work and donations and they do a lot of good. All anyone has to do is go to a website for one of these organizations to find out what they can do.

What I'm trying to say is stop bitching about the world not changing, because you can start changing the world by yourself.

Sign Spinning: The New Romance Language

America.

It's an amazing place. And one thing I find especially amazing is free enterprise. If you're good at something, you can make money at it.

Amid my travels today, I saw a man spinning a sign on the corner. I found myself hypnotized by his advanced sign spinning skills, but was able to tear my gaze away from his hands and down to his shirt. On it was an icon of another man spinning a sign. This sign spinner I was admiring was outsourced.

That's right. There are actually companies that employ and train people to spin signs for other companies. In fact, there's probably someone spinning a sign right now at a job fair for future sign spinners. By 2014, Arizona State is going to have a sign spinning department.

Recently I was in downtown Phoenix and witnessed two kids spinning large pieces of cardboard with a box of money in front of them.

At this point I'd like to piggyback a question on my free enterprise comment.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Mozart composed esoteric symphonies and operas. DaVinci invented something new every day. Michelangelo created paintings that would make God weep. Now we're applauding and cheering people for spinning cardboard behind their backs.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're living in a time I am hereby dubbing THE ANTI-RENAISSANCE: A time when we celebrate the mundane.

Keep your fingers crossed for a plague.

Letter to God, Part 5

Our Father Who Art In Heaven:

How are the kids? I'm thinking about having one. Being a man who has about six billion of them, what kind of advice could you give me?

I've been thinking a lot about death. I've decided that if and when I come back after I die, I'd like to come back as a sequel.

Before I reenter this world, I think it would be cool to have a tag line for Phil Part II. I was thinking something like, "One Man. One Life. One More Time."

I'm also going to need a sub-title; like Terminator 5: Rise of Christian Bale's Blood Pressure.
I'll send you the preliminary script for my next life. You can let me know what you think. I'm sure you have some great ideas. Oh, and I'd really like to play the part of me if it's possible.

Phil

Taxes: Good for Everyone but You

I, like most people, look at my before-tax earnings on my paycheck and say, "Yes!". Then I look at my after-tax earnings and say, "No! Goddamnit!"

I take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that without taxes I'd be driving on dirt roads full of dead animals. Then I look at my Social Security and Medicare taxes and punch a hole in the space-time continuum with my rage.

Why? I'm thirty years old and I'm never going to see a dime of either of those funds.

When I retire I'm going to have a 401K (which will translate to an IOU by the time I'm sixty) and a years of service watch which I'll pawn to pay for my Netflix bill.

But I hold one small candle of hope: That someday we'll have free healthcare.

When I'm an old man having to sell my Wind Energy stock so I can afford to supersize my McDonald's Big Tofu Mac and Asparagus Fries, I want to take comfort in knowning that I don't have to come up with the money to see a doctor when my colon starts to rot.

There's just one problem with this beautiful idea of free healthcare. To do it, we'll probably have to pay more in taxes. And as we all know Americans don't like to do anything that involves an ounce of sacrifice.

So rather than give up a few extra dollars on our paychecks, I have a solution:

We should all spend thousands of dollars on health insurance, co-pays, tests, prescriptions, and hospital visits.

It's genius.