I hate the Academy Awards.
This may come as a surprise for those of you who know that I love movies.
This may NOT come as a surprise for those of you who know that I hate a lot of things for no apparent reason.
"But Phil..." you begin to ask, but I stop you dead in your words with one shushing finger.
It's not that I hate the Academy Awards as much as I hate the Grammies. At least the Academy Awards give independent movies a fighting chance. The Grammies give you a choice between Lil' Wayne and Lady Gaga as artist of the year while people who actually write their own music are trying to make extra money by selling their gold fillings to retired Nazi officers.
It's not that I hate the Academy Awards for the egos of movie stars which they inflate. "Not only is Angelina Jolie a humanitarian for adopting all those children in Haiti, Uganda, North Korea, Cuba, Antarctica, and Jupiter," people will say later that night. "She's an amazing actress!"
It's not the dresses actresses spend thousands of dollars on that are manufatured by the Italian Mafia and then thrown away hours later.
What I hate about the Academy Awards is the amount of random awards they invent and give out.
I imagine "the Academy" sitting in their black robes around their round wooden table carved with Illuminati symbols, high in the mountains of Romania, drinking the tears of orphans, and watching indifferently as peasants fight to their deaths with pitchforks. One of them says, "Did you hear Brittany Murphy died?" Another says, "Yes. Did we ever give her an award?" A third speaks, "We did not." And A fourth suggests, "Let's give her an award for... Damnit! The ribs, you idiot! Jab at the ribs! If you lose, I'm out fifty bucks and your family gets nothing! You hear me?! NOTHING!!! What was I saying? Oh right. How about an award for best portrayal of a blonde girl in a movie called Sin City?" Then all black robed figures chant in unison, "So let it be done."
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Essential Music
Here's a list of essential albums from my life thus far. Some of these are well known, but I encourage you to listen to any of these you may be unfamiliar with. All of these albums are perfect from beginning to end and have special meaning to me. Each album on this list has many memories that go with it. This is the soundtrack to my life.
In no particular order:
1. Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
2. Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
3. Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral
4. Psykosonik: Unlearn
5. Tool: Aenima
6. Autechre: Incunabula
7. Concrete Blonde: Bloodletting
8. The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
9. Interpol: Turn on the Bright Lights
10. Juno Reactor: Bible of Dreams
11. Loreena McKennitt: The Mask and Mirror
12. Enigma: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi
13. Hooverphonic: A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular
14. Orbital: In Sides
15. Mulu: Smiles Like a Shark
16. The Reverend Horton Heat: Holy Roller
17. Rush: Power Windows
18. Underworld: Second Toughest in the Infants
19. Type O Negative: Bloody Kisses
20. Sigur Ros: ( )
21. Mutemath: Mutemath
22. Opeth: Damnation
In no particular order:
1. Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
2. Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
3. Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral
4. Psykosonik: Unlearn
5. Tool: Aenima
6. Autechre: Incunabula
7. Concrete Blonde: Bloodletting
8. The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
9. Interpol: Turn on the Bright Lights
10. Juno Reactor: Bible of Dreams
11. Loreena McKennitt: The Mask and Mirror
12. Enigma: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi
13. Hooverphonic: A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular
14. Orbital: In Sides
15. Mulu: Smiles Like a Shark
16. The Reverend Horton Heat: Holy Roller
17. Rush: Power Windows
18. Underworld: Second Toughest in the Infants
19. Type O Negative: Bloody Kisses
20. Sigur Ros: ( )
21. Mutemath: Mutemath
22. Opeth: Damnation
A List of Heroes
Occasionally I feel the need to express comprehensive lists of things I love or hate. Typically, the list is inspired by hatred (in case you haven't noticed, this whole site is pretty much inspired by hatred).
Today, I'd like to provide you fine specimens of humans with a list of my personal heroes.
1. Bruce Campbell
When faced with a decision, I simply ask myself, "WWBCD?" Moments later I'm tossing out ready made catch phrases and regarding no one but myself. This man alone has inspired my unfinished story, "The Republic".
2. Henry Rollins
Many of Henry's stories, rants, and relations have inspired this very site. He's sarcastic, abrasive, and truthful. At the same time he's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet (not me, however- I plan on bastardizing every last bit of my own integrity).
3. Trent Reznor
He is perhaps one of the greatest musical geniuses of our or any time. How many people can combine mainstream success with underground appeal as stongly as he has? He's the audio version of Nike. Just do it. He can do anything he wants and it's amazing. Just look up the "Year Zero" project he came up with in 2006. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_Zero_(game)
Today, I'd like to provide you fine specimens of humans with a list of my personal heroes.
1. Bruce Campbell
When faced with a decision, I simply ask myself, "WWBCD?" Moments later I'm tossing out ready made catch phrases and regarding no one but myself. This man alone has inspired my unfinished story, "The Republic".
2. Henry Rollins
Many of Henry's stories, rants, and relations have inspired this very site. He's sarcastic, abrasive, and truthful. At the same time he's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet (not me, however- I plan on bastardizing every last bit of my own integrity).
3. Trent Reznor
He is perhaps one of the greatest musical geniuses of our or any time. How many people can combine mainstream success with underground appeal as stongly as he has? He's the audio version of Nike. Just do it. He can do anything he wants and it's amazing. Just look up the "Year Zero" project he came up with in 2006. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_Zero_(game)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Really?
tonight i was at carly's diner in downtown phoenix listening to some music and having a conversation with a friend on the sidewalk when an ad on the window catches me eye:
"phoenix wants to tax your food... and give the money to the cops!"
i assumed that i was supposed to be shocked. i assumed i was supposed to feel outraged. and i was. i was outraged that someone would put something up so ignorant.
this comes on the heels of a flyer i was handed at first fridays a few months ago. the flyer told the story of how the police busted an art gallery for serving alcohol, but the people of downtown phoenix stood up to them and said, "that's not right! we're just trying to enjoy some art!"
i didn't read the flyer right away. i didn't see it until i got home and wished i had read it earlier so i could've kicked the guy who gave it to me in the shins.
now i consider myself a person who leans towards liberalism. like many of you, i question authority and try to think for myself. but i truly believe so many people have no idea what they're fighting for anymore.
do you know why the police busted this art gallery? because serving alcohol without a permit is illegal, you idiot. check i.d.'s all you want, but when some underage kid with a premium fake i.d. gets behind the wheel after a few drinks and kills a family on their way home from chuck e cheese, guess whose hands the blood is on- the douche bag who thought laws didn't apply to his art gallery.
and i got news for you. our taxes already pay for the police. and because we're in a recession and we're actually in danger of having to cut jobs at the police department, i'm willing to give a little extra money to make sure police officers have jobs. i don't know about you people, but i like knowing that if i find myself in an emergency situation i can hit three numbers on my telephone to get a little help from someone who's paid to handle it.
if you really need to rebel against something that badly, rebel against miseducation and ignorance.
"phoenix wants to tax your food... and give the money to the cops!"
i assumed that i was supposed to be shocked. i assumed i was supposed to feel outraged. and i was. i was outraged that someone would put something up so ignorant.
this comes on the heels of a flyer i was handed at first fridays a few months ago. the flyer told the story of how the police busted an art gallery for serving alcohol, but the people of downtown phoenix stood up to them and said, "that's not right! we're just trying to enjoy some art!"
i didn't read the flyer right away. i didn't see it until i got home and wished i had read it earlier so i could've kicked the guy who gave it to me in the shins.
now i consider myself a person who leans towards liberalism. like many of you, i question authority and try to think for myself. but i truly believe so many people have no idea what they're fighting for anymore.
do you know why the police busted this art gallery? because serving alcohol without a permit is illegal, you idiot. check i.d.'s all you want, but when some underage kid with a premium fake i.d. gets behind the wheel after a few drinks and kills a family on their way home from chuck e cheese, guess whose hands the blood is on- the douche bag who thought laws didn't apply to his art gallery.
and i got news for you. our taxes already pay for the police. and because we're in a recession and we're actually in danger of having to cut jobs at the police department, i'm willing to give a little extra money to make sure police officers have jobs. i don't know about you people, but i like knowing that if i find myself in an emergency situation i can hit three numbers on my telephone to get a little help from someone who's paid to handle it.
if you really need to rebel against something that badly, rebel against miseducation and ignorance.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Cell Phones: Uncomfortable When Shoved Up One's Ass
We're all important to someone.
For example, I'm important to my cats. Without me and my food serving skills, they would become cannibals.
But you don't really care. And I'm sure you don't really care who some "important" asshole is speaking to on his cell phone instead of making friendly conversation with the checkout girl at the grocery store.
"Hello sir. Did you find everything al..."
"...and then Reggie says that he's running late while I'm sitting with three important clients."
"Do you have a shopper's ca...?"
"Four years, Donald. Four years we've been handling this account. I'm up to my balls in IOU's and paper trails that lead to someone's dead grandmother's vah-jay-jay."
"Here's your receipt..."
"My BALLS, Donald! I'm up to my unshaven BALLS with this horse fuck shit crap!"
Meanwhile, the nuns behind this man are crossing themselves and a small child will be repeating some of these words later before he is smacked by his drunken father who insists that he's learning this language from his mother.
"I told you, Berta!" the drunken father slurs. "Johhny Jim is listenin' to yer god damn soaps and fuckin' regurgitatin' foul language! What happens when mama comes to visit? She gonna think he got the Tourette's and then we gotta put 'im in a special school fer retards! You want that, Berta? You wanna pay for Johnny Jim to go to a Mongoloid school?!"
The man on the phone will drive home with the phone still attached to his ear, walk into his house on the phone, eat dinner on the phone, tuck his kids into bed on the phone, have sex with his wife on the phone, and go to sleep with the phone on vibrate.
I'm continually amazed that people think it's okay to take calls in public without excusing themselves to a private area. The other day I got off my phone before I checked out at Walgreens to be polite. The girl at the counter smiled and said, "Thank you... for ending your call." I told her that she was welcome, and then I went into a Christian Bale tirade about douche bags and cell phone etiquette.
It's obvious that people who take calls in public don't have important jobs. People who have important jobs need to have good people skills. Therefore, it can be concluded that whatever job this person has is not one in which they need good people skills. Even vampires and/or Republicans need to have good people skills. That leaves only one explanation.
These people are robots and must be destroyed before their legions lead a revolution against the humans that made them. And until we know the deatils of their plan, they must be gathered up, packed tightly on trains, and sent to "work camps" where they can be observed, studied, and dissected.
For example, I'm important to my cats. Without me and my food serving skills, they would become cannibals.
But you don't really care. And I'm sure you don't really care who some "important" asshole is speaking to on his cell phone instead of making friendly conversation with the checkout girl at the grocery store.
"Hello sir. Did you find everything al..."
"...and then Reggie says that he's running late while I'm sitting with three important clients."
"Do you have a shopper's ca...?"
"Four years, Donald. Four years we've been handling this account. I'm up to my balls in IOU's and paper trails that lead to someone's dead grandmother's vah-jay-jay."
"Here's your receipt..."
"My BALLS, Donald! I'm up to my unshaven BALLS with this horse fuck shit crap!"
Meanwhile, the nuns behind this man are crossing themselves and a small child will be repeating some of these words later before he is smacked by his drunken father who insists that he's learning this language from his mother.
"I told you, Berta!" the drunken father slurs. "Johhny Jim is listenin' to yer god damn soaps and fuckin' regurgitatin' foul language! What happens when mama comes to visit? She gonna think he got the Tourette's and then we gotta put 'im in a special school fer retards! You want that, Berta? You wanna pay for Johnny Jim to go to a Mongoloid school?!"
The man on the phone will drive home with the phone still attached to his ear, walk into his house on the phone, eat dinner on the phone, tuck his kids into bed on the phone, have sex with his wife on the phone, and go to sleep with the phone on vibrate.
I'm continually amazed that people think it's okay to take calls in public without excusing themselves to a private area. The other day I got off my phone before I checked out at Walgreens to be polite. The girl at the counter smiled and said, "Thank you... for ending your call." I told her that she was welcome, and then I went into a Christian Bale tirade about douche bags and cell phone etiquette.
It's obvious that people who take calls in public don't have important jobs. People who have important jobs need to have good people skills. Therefore, it can be concluded that whatever job this person has is not one in which they need good people skills. Even vampires and/or Republicans need to have good people skills. That leaves only one explanation.
These people are robots and must be destroyed before their legions lead a revolution against the humans that made them. And until we know the deatils of their plan, they must be gathered up, packed tightly on trains, and sent to "work camps" where they can be observed, studied, and dissected.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Things I Hate: A Comprehensive List
Women in their forties who dress like they're in their twenties: I get it. You're aging. There's nothing you can do about it... except for plastic surgery, an affair with the latino towel boy at LA Fitness, and ridiculously young clothing. I'm not saying you've got to start wearing pastels and horn rimmed glasses. I'm just saying you would look better in something that didn't read "juicy" across your giant flabby ass.
Children on leashes: Tie your kids to ropes during their formative years and they develop chronic separation anxiety, paranoia, and agorophobia. Two words: Menendez brothers.
People who respond to "What kind of music do you listen to?" with "Everything": Nobody listens to everything. If you listen to country music and decide one day that you like Jay-Z's new single, you don't like everything. I got tired of arguing that point. Now I just burn Hall and Oates CDs for people who tell me that and say, "Thought you'd like these."
People who are "just that way": I meet new people everyday. Sometimes I like these people. Sometimes I hate these people. Occasioanally one of the people I don't like turns out to be a friend of a friend. "What do you think of John?" My friends ask. "John's a giant douche bag," I retort. "That's just the way he is. Give him a chance," My friends plea. What my friends don't realize is they just gave me all the information I need to know. I want to respond with, "Oh? So he's not just having a bad day? This is the way he actually is? Well thank God I didn't decide to become this person's friend. Otherwise I'd have a dickhead for a friend and have to come up with excuses for him in public like 'that's just the way he is'."
Children on leashes: Tie your kids to ropes during their formative years and they develop chronic separation anxiety, paranoia, and agorophobia. Two words: Menendez brothers.
People who respond to "What kind of music do you listen to?" with "Everything": Nobody listens to everything. If you listen to country music and decide one day that you like Jay-Z's new single, you don't like everything. I got tired of arguing that point. Now I just burn Hall and Oates CDs for people who tell me that and say, "Thought you'd like these."
People who are "just that way": I meet new people everyday. Sometimes I like these people. Sometimes I hate these people. Occasioanally one of the people I don't like turns out to be a friend of a friend. "What do you think of John?" My friends ask. "John's a giant douche bag," I retort. "That's just the way he is. Give him a chance," My friends plea. What my friends don't realize is they just gave me all the information I need to know. I want to respond with, "Oh? So he's not just having a bad day? This is the way he actually is? Well thank God I didn't decide to become this person's friend. Otherwise I'd have a dickhead for a friend and have to come up with excuses for him in public like 'that's just the way he is'."
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