I tried fantasy football once.
It didn't work out very well for me.
The other guys in my league might argue that I didn't commit enough time to setting up my team every week. Sheepishly, I told them that I just didn't have the time.
And that was a bold-faced lie.
The truth is that I was led to believe I was playing fantasy football! Are you confused? Yeah, so was I.
I'm sorry, but when I think of "fantasy sports" I don't think of all my favorite football players on one team together playing sports in harmony. That's stupid. They would last ten minutes before their egos destroyed the whole team. It was an unrealistic idea.
You see, when I was told we'd be starting a fantasy football league I concentrated too much on the "fantasy" part. I thought we were going to be meeting every weekend to play football with elves and unicorns.
Choosing teams would have required a lot more consideration than athletic ability.
"I'll taaaaaake... Pegasus."
"What?! You always get Pegasus!"
"Yeah, well, you know why? First of all Pegasus can fly just above your heads and kick you guys in the face with its hooves when you get too close. And second of all I won the coin toss, so man up and accept it, you little bitch."
"Fine. I'll take Cyclops."
"Cyclops? Are you sure?"
"What's wrong with Cyclops?"
"Oh nothing! He's a big guy. He's strong. He's a good pick. I mean, he doesn't have any depth perception so don't expect him to be able to throw or catch a ball, but you know it's your choice. He might not keep getting off-sides called on him again this week. It might be a better week for him."
One can only fantasize about real fantasy football.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
This Blog Brought to You by Pepsi
I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a little tired of this recession.
However, you won't find me getting angry at the president for not pulling us out of this mess. You won't even find me blaming the House Republicans for filibustering every good idea that comes across their desks so that they have a 2012 political platform. I know... I was as shocked as you must be right now.
Heaven forbid our government, with it's evil socialist police departments and school systems, gets too big and is able to start fixing the problems that people living on food stamps and unemployment benefits keep complaining about.
The biggest problem is that people of every social class are greedy and they don't know how to manage their money. That's it.
And I have a solution that will solve everyone's problems: Corporate Sponsored Catastrophes.
When I first heard that the government was considering having corporate sponsorship of national parks I thought they were losing their minds. I thought they were getting desperate for funds. Then I thought, "Pepsi Presents Hurricane Katrina".
Just think about it. There must be dozens of catastrophes every day! Imagine the amount of money that would be coming in if Nabisco paid the government to get their name on an earthquake. It would be advertising in the form of panic. Everybody wins.
"The people of Los Angeles were awaken this morning by a magnitude 6.5 earthquake. You can see some of the structural damage in the wall of this Oreo factory, which by the way is milk's favorite cookie, that I'm reporting from right now."
People would be watching the news and saying to their families, "My God! The humanity! The Oreo factory?! Do you think the double stuffs were affected? You guys stay here, I'd better get to the store to stock up in case... shit! The neighbors are already running off to Safeway! I'd better take the shotgun."
Hurricane Katrina might have worked out much better.
"It seems that a levy had failed and you can see that the streets of New Orleans have virtually become canals. Hundreds are dead or unaccounted for. This may very well be the worst disaster this country has seen since the prohibition era when people couldn't even get a Budweiser, the king of beers, to save their lives."
Advertising is infectious. People in the area would have been evacuating their homes saying, "No! We have to go right now! You can't take your jewelry, honey, we have to leave it! We can only take the important things! We're all we got now. We are ALL... WE... GOT. Grab that 24 pack of Budweiser. The Budweiser! I don't know why, just fucking grab it! Leave the cat! Now you can use that arm!"
The government would have made some good money off of Hurricane Katrina, and they would have actually had the money and resources to help the people of New Orleans much faster.
There would be so many opportunities to make money from corporate sponsorship it's not even funny. Tornadoes, droughts, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, genocides, prison riots... the list goes on and on.
Then with the excess money, the government could afford to send everyone to finance classes to learn about such topics as "Why buying a house for $350,000 isn't a good idea when you only make $9 an hour" or "Why paying slightly higher income taxes so that the government doesn't have to make up for it by taxing the shit out of businesses that in turn have to outsource their work to China is a good thing".
However, you won't find me getting angry at the president for not pulling us out of this mess. You won't even find me blaming the House Republicans for filibustering every good idea that comes across their desks so that they have a 2012 political platform. I know... I was as shocked as you must be right now.
Heaven forbid our government, with it's evil socialist police departments and school systems, gets too big and is able to start fixing the problems that people living on food stamps and unemployment benefits keep complaining about.
The biggest problem is that people of every social class are greedy and they don't know how to manage their money. That's it.
And I have a solution that will solve everyone's problems: Corporate Sponsored Catastrophes.
When I first heard that the government was considering having corporate sponsorship of national parks I thought they were losing their minds. I thought they were getting desperate for funds. Then I thought, "Pepsi Presents Hurricane Katrina".
Just think about it. There must be dozens of catastrophes every day! Imagine the amount of money that would be coming in if Nabisco paid the government to get their name on an earthquake. It would be advertising in the form of panic. Everybody wins.
"The people of Los Angeles were awaken this morning by a magnitude 6.5 earthquake. You can see some of the structural damage in the wall of this Oreo factory, which by the way is milk's favorite cookie, that I'm reporting from right now."
People would be watching the news and saying to their families, "My God! The humanity! The Oreo factory?! Do you think the double stuffs were affected? You guys stay here, I'd better get to the store to stock up in case... shit! The neighbors are already running off to Safeway! I'd better take the shotgun."
Hurricane Katrina might have worked out much better.
"It seems that a levy had failed and you can see that the streets of New Orleans have virtually become canals. Hundreds are dead or unaccounted for. This may very well be the worst disaster this country has seen since the prohibition era when people couldn't even get a Budweiser, the king of beers, to save their lives."
Advertising is infectious. People in the area would have been evacuating their homes saying, "No! We have to go right now! You can't take your jewelry, honey, we have to leave it! We can only take the important things! We're all we got now. We are ALL... WE... GOT. Grab that 24 pack of Budweiser. The Budweiser! I don't know why, just fucking grab it! Leave the cat! Now you can use that arm!"
The government would have made some good money off of Hurricane Katrina, and they would have actually had the money and resources to help the people of New Orleans much faster.
There would be so many opportunities to make money from corporate sponsorship it's not even funny. Tornadoes, droughts, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, genocides, prison riots... the list goes on and on.
Then with the excess money, the government could afford to send everyone to finance classes to learn about such topics as "Why buying a house for $350,000 isn't a good idea when you only make $9 an hour" or "Why paying slightly higher income taxes so that the government doesn't have to make up for it by taxing the shit out of businesses that in turn have to outsource their work to China is a good thing".
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