I'm sitting in my car getting ready for the light to change, performing my daily ritual of reading stickers on the backs of cars. There are two stick figures on the back of one, followed by about fifteen little stick figures with names that all begin the same letter. Another car has the name of a tattoo parlor thirty times the size of the actual tattoo they got there. The last one I look at as the signal changes says, "Got God?"
My first thought is, "You can't put that in a glass."
Later that day I see a car sticker that says, "Got Feet?"
Outloud, I actually said, "Got Feet? What the hell does that mean?"
I'm bothered by stickers that read, "Got ____?" They keep me up at night. I fly into drunken rages because of them. I've been arrested and heavily sedated because of them.
It's not clever anymore. It never was. And I don't think people understand that when you take an existing slogan or quote and change one word it isn't original. "Got ____?" is the Abercrombie and Fitch of diction.
...And yes, I realize the irony of my blog's title. Shut up.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sarah Palin: A Tribute
Shocked by the news that Sarah Palin is resigning from her position as Alaska governor, I ran some scenarios over in my head (because choosing to share these ideas in an actual conversation with someone would be a complete waste of time).
My first thought was the publicity. She's got a camera up in her shit all the time now. I suppose that's the price of celebrity.
My second thought (fear) was that she's preparing herself for the 2012 presidency.
So dressed as a caribou, I spent all last week following Sarah Palin to find the truth. And here's what I found.
1. Caribou suits have poor visibility and attract hunters.
2. Sarah Palin spends most of her time in an abandoned warehouse roughing people up tied to chairs.
3. She spends her evenings in the forest with a ouija board, an old blind man, and a virgin.
4. She drinks what appears to be the blood of the innocent, although it could be syrah.
It's obvious what's happening here. Resignation, intimidation, secret meetings, blood orgies... she's going back to school to become a kindergarten teacher.
My first thought was the publicity. She's got a camera up in her shit all the time now. I suppose that's the price of celebrity.
My second thought (fear) was that she's preparing herself for the 2012 presidency.
So dressed as a caribou, I spent all last week following Sarah Palin to find the truth. And here's what I found.
1. Caribou suits have poor visibility and attract hunters.
2. Sarah Palin spends most of her time in an abandoned warehouse roughing people up tied to chairs.
3. She spends her evenings in the forest with a ouija board, an old blind man, and a virgin.
4. She drinks what appears to be the blood of the innocent, although it could be syrah.
It's obvious what's happening here. Resignation, intimidation, secret meetings, blood orgies... she's going back to school to become a kindergarten teacher.
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