Ladies and gentlemen, it blows my mind every time I hear someone say, "Organic food? Eew." What the expletive deleted do people think organic food is? Now, I know that you, the reader, know exactly what organic food is. I know you're not an idot like the average douche on the street. I'll spare you the rant about the all natural food our ancestors had been eating for tens of thousands of years. I'll even spare you the large amounts of swear words I like to include in my so-called "angry blogs". All I want to say about people who dismiss the idea of organic food as "gross" or "nasty" or even "from the ass of Satan himself" is this:
I'm envious.
I'm envious because I want to devour so many preservatives that a museum will be able to stand my dead body up for decades before it begins to decay.
When I'm buried I'll be so full of chemicals that I'll reanimate all of the corpses around me. Then the reanimated corpses in question will reign terror upon earth. This reign of terror will later be documented on the evening news and replayed at least once a week for the next seven years and fit into every History Channel special like the September 11 attacks.
It would be wonderful to think that even in death I'm doing something for the world.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Americash!
America... Land of the free... Home of the brave... Red-headed step-child of China? What?
In light of the recent economic problems... somewhere between the 450 point drop in the DOW and the 450 point increase... I started thinking about the 85 billion dollar bailout of AIG issued by our government. One might ask, "But Soda, isn't the government already in a 420 trillion dollar debt?" Of course they are. But that's alright. We'll just print more money. Then we'll dance in it and make ceremonial, amber-wavey love in it before we give it to insurance and banking giants.
So it goes without saying that the value of the American dollar is quickly becoming that of the Mexican peso at best. So what's next? Start selling bonds! Who wants a piece of America? It looks great on a mantle.
The Chinese are already sleeping outside of the Fort Knox box office waiting for the economic concert tickets to go on sale. Don't get me wrong... I love the Chinese. I love their food, I like their underaged olympians, and I admire their strong, albeit outdated and soooo last season, cling to communism. But you have to admit... it's a little unsettling to think that someday the majority of our country could be owned by another country.
I know what some of you are thinking: More economic stimulus checks! After all, they worked out really well... for me. I bought a new laptop and some stock in Lehman Brothers.
My proposition: Destroy credit.
God forbid we have to start saving our money for shit. See you guys in Food City.
In light of the recent economic problems... somewhere between the 450 point drop in the DOW and the 450 point increase... I started thinking about the 85 billion dollar bailout of AIG issued by our government. One might ask, "But Soda, isn't the government already in a 420 trillion dollar debt?" Of course they are. But that's alright. We'll just print more money. Then we'll dance in it and make ceremonial, amber-wavey love in it before we give it to insurance and banking giants.
So it goes without saying that the value of the American dollar is quickly becoming that of the Mexican peso at best. So what's next? Start selling bonds! Who wants a piece of America? It looks great on a mantle.
The Chinese are already sleeping outside of the Fort Knox box office waiting for the economic concert tickets to go on sale. Don't get me wrong... I love the Chinese. I love their food, I like their underaged olympians, and I admire their strong, albeit outdated and soooo last season, cling to communism. But you have to admit... it's a little unsettling to think that someday the majority of our country could be owned by another country.
I know what some of you are thinking: More economic stimulus checks! After all, they worked out really well... for me. I bought a new laptop and some stock in Lehman Brothers.
My proposition: Destroy credit.
God forbid we have to start saving our money for shit. See you guys in Food City.
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