kim kardashian: who give a *$@#?

"win kim kardashian's cardigan!"

this was what myspace was announcing as i was signing in to see how the three fans of my music were doing today.

i wondered how many other people were reading that and gasping, "WHAT?!" texting, "OMG!" and rushing to the toilet with a feather down their throat to make themselves small enough to fit into it.

every time i'm checking out at the grocery store i see magazine covers that let me know that couples i've never heard of are breaking up. television stars i've never seen are having children. and the sexiest man alive is no longer roger moore.

who are these people? i can't even keep track of the six friends i have.

do these publications exist because so many of us love celebrities or hate them? and if it's hate, does that hate come from jealousy? why do we pay so much attention to who is adopting african children and not pay attention to why african children have to be adopted in the first place?

well let me tell you why.

it has been kept a secret for thousands of years by numerous secret societies. african children are not being adpoted by celebrities. they are being harvested. it is believed that african children taste just like strawberry pop tarts.

but i digress.

my point is this: if you're a celebrity and your life is coming between me and a snickers bar at the impulse section of the grocery store, do something incredible with your money and fame so that your name shows up on a list of pulitzer prize nominations instead of us weekly.

then make sure you recommend me for the peace i've brought the human race with robiotic.blogspot.com.

The Future: Deal With It

So there you are: Sitting on your couch watching someone’s fifteen minutes of fame run out on national television thinking about your friend Dave and the phone rings.

“Oh my (slandered deity’s name)!” You say into the phone. “Dave! I totally knew you it was you before I picked up!”

“That’s because you have caller ID, you idiot,” Dave responds, his wit as quick as ever.

“No, I mean before you called,” you clarify.

And then it adds up: the phone call, the dream about the homeless man, your last rock/paper/scissors match with your nephew… you’re freakin’ psychic!!!

You begin reading books written by people who have absolutely no scientific credibility so that you can improve your newfound skills. You spend the evenings trying to bend silverware with your mind. You now wear white robes to work and refer to yourself in the third person. Instead of on television, you now watch the news in a bowl of water- tomorrow’s news.

You get your own television show for a season and a half, write three books that get progressively worse reviews, lose all of your family to a drinking problem, and are eventually burned at the stake as a heretic.

I believe that people have fleeting moments of deep understanding and revelations. However, I disagree that it’s something that can be improved. Many people think that these moments can be exercised and practiced so that they can save people from collapsing bridges, tsunamis, and Roland Emmerich movies.

I believe it’s impossible. We will lose people to Roland Emmerich’s movies for centuries to come. All we can do is pray.

I was watching a flock of birds the other evening. It was massive. It was dinnertime at the canal. I watched the way they shifted and obeyed with precision even a robotic Stephen Hawking couldn’t replicate.

In that moment I realized that at one time we probably could all read each other. We probably did know what our friends were about to do or think. Unfortunately, we’re so far removed from the natural world at this point in our history that we’ve lost that sense. In the next few thousand years we’ll probably lose more.

Being inside too much as a kid is the new theory as to why so many of us have such bad eyesight. It’s all becoming clear. Soon we’ll all just be sickly, pale, obese worms that pulsate from our computers to beds and bathrooms in our bleak, grey tunnels. None of us will even remember how to make noises with our mouths to communicate. Need for our sense of smell and hearing will be gone, but we’ll still have two tiny eyes with which to see our screens. We’ll live to an average thirty-two years and die of an intestinal blockage. Meanwhile, the human race will be so emotionally and consciously neutered that no one will notice that all of the other animals built spaceships and colonized Venus two thousand years ago.

Enjoy 2010... while you still have fingers.

hollywood vampires: an inaccurate representation

i haven't seen new moon. i don't plan on it either. i saw twilight only because it was the only thing happening on a twelve hour flight.

but why aren't you going to see new moon? you ask.

it's an amazing piece of hollywood art. you say.

it's dangerous. that's why i'm not going to see it. i'm boycotting a cancer on our civilization.

poor acting, writing, production, special effects, and directing aside... movies like new moon are teching our children that befriending vampires and werewolves is okay. but you know what? it's not okay. here's a true story of something that happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

so one night a young man is walking down the street... let's call him edgar. edgar encounters a bat. his first instinct is to run in fear like every red blooded american should. but instead edgar thinks this is one of those cool hollywood vampire bats. so edgar tries to give it a high five. the bat narrowly avoids the high five which all bats see as a threat, grabs edgar by the face, and carries him away to it's castle up the mountains of scottsdale.

now i know what you're thinking. don't all vampires as well as all other evil creatures live in scottsdale? wasn't that just a redundant piece of information? and the answer is yes. i apologize for treating you like an idiot.

we haven't heard from edgar in six months. however, we've heard from his corpse. it was dropped on my friend's doorstep completely drained of blood with a note that read, "this was not the work of vampires. clearly you can see that this is a hate crime. please do not tell anyone this was the act of vampires. that would just be silly. please watch more movies that make vampires look less harmless than we, i mean they, really are."