Things I'd Like to See Escape from a Lab

As many of you probably already know, it turns out the swine flu (registered trademark) is the old H1N1 virus that people were getting every year before the 1970s. Most likely, according to articles, it got loose from a lab where it was being experimented on.

There's a part of me that finds it disturbing that dangerous viruses are being experimented with. A smaller part of me finds it disturbing that someone handling potentially deadly viruses is careless enough to let a lab pig loose. Then again, a very large part of me sees opportunity in lab viruses the way oil men see opportunity in national forests.

Labs are like Area 51. No one knows what's going on inside, but every so often someone sees a pig with a turtle shell or aliens with Illuminati tattoos.

Thanks to labs, I'm beginning to think that all of the fantastical things I believed in when I was a kid are possible. After all, there's been talk for years about cloning prehistoric animals. The following is a list of ten things I'd like to see escape from a lab (besides ten zombies).

1. giant sea horses
2. fire breathing lady bugs
3. Dick Cheney's soul
4. mechanical cockroaches
5. minotaurs
6. cows that give Tang instead of milk
7. monkeys that speak with refined british accents
8. a virus that turns everyone into responsible members of society
9. nuclear unicorns
10. Walt Disney's angry, frozen head

Zombie Walk 2009

I've posted information about the next Zombie Walk on ZombieWalk.com. I'm planning on having it at Xtreme Bean in Tempe on Halloween, but I might move it to downtown Phoenix.

If I had my way, we'd be doing this on an abandoned air force base in Nevada.

I've also considered La Petite Academy and Scottsdale Fashion Square.

Alas, I am only a man.

Updates to come. Please check the website frequently.

So Cold...

I'm not feeling... so well... I've... been walking... for days... just me and.. laptop... fire ants... came outta nowhere... just started biting... dear God the biting... head feels... light... need... need... eat... br... brain... brains... BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSS...

Plagues: Trendy!

Special thanks to Levi for alerting me to the news article titled "Parasitic Flies turn Fire Ants into Zombies".

Apparently the "infected" wander mindlessly away from their mounds until their heads fall off.

However, my favorite part of the article reads, "making zombies out of fire ants is a good thing". It's population control.

God forbid the population of fire ants grows too large. Who knows what could happen. They could become more intelligent, build cities, start religions, strip mine the earth, invent atomic weapons, pollute the oceans and the air, and establish military torture prisons in Cuba. Then the more intelligent of the fire ants might create vaccines, medicines, and antibodies to overcome natural population control and they would continue to flourish until all natural resources were drained. Can you imagine what could happen if a species' population was allowed to grow too large?!

Well, it's time to drive home from work and I wanna beat that rush hour traffic.

Why We Need Atomic Bombs and Marshmallows

While giving my students a lesson on the elements of culture I had an epiphany.

We all need to go back to our tribes and forsake all forms of government.

As I write this, computers are alerting the CIA of my whereabouts and a van has mysteriously appeared outside of my home.

What defines a culture? Religion, language, music, customs, geography, professions, and governments are all pieces of the picture according to my teacher’s edition. I thought to myself, “Governments are part of our culture?” I suppose at one time they were. We’ve gone from alpha males to chiefs to kings to emperors to priests to dictators in a relatively short amount of time. Government as we know it has been forming ever since the first person said to the rest of his tribe, “What’re you lookin’ at, punk ass?”

At least in tribal days one could answer that question by clubbing that person in the face with a cactus. In archaeological terms, we call this a coup d’etat.

I think that if most of us had a choice between having to make our own fire every day or sit in gridlocked traffic every morning and evening we'd take the fire. If we had to forage for our own food or pay insurance deductibles we'd forage. If we had to be disfigured by a grizzly bear because we thought a cave was unoccupied or pay taxes for the rest of our lives we'd take the grizzly bear.

If anyone needs me I'll be building a tree house and instigating a nuclear winter.

Dead Babies and Other Offensive Topics

My brother put it best. 100 people die of Swine Flu and everyone washes their hands. Millions of people die from AIDS and no one wears a condom. And where is the Swine Flu Awareness ribbon? You people think I'm joking, but I looked into the different "awareness" ribbons recently and found that there's virtually a ribbon for ANYTHING. Here are some of the best ones I found:

Acid Reflux Disease Awareness ribbons
Agent Orange Exposure Awareness ribbons
Designated Driver ribbons
Eczema Awareness ribbons
Elderly Abuse Awareness ribbons
Eye Injury Prevention ribbons
Feral Cat Awareness ribbons
Fireworks Safety ribbons
Headaches Awareness ribbons
High Blood Pressure ribbons
Huffing Awareness ribbons
Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness ribbons
Mourning Awareness ribbons
No Unattended Kids in Cars ribbons
Restless Legs Syndrome ribbons
Self Injury Awareness ribbons
Sniffing Awareness ribbons

For the first time ever, I'm not making any of this up.

What do dead babies have to do with any of this? Absolutely nothing.