Scorpius Erectus

It’s a question I’ve recently been asking myself. I don’t usually kill bugs when I find them in my house. I’ll take them outside, and give them a second chance to notice my “no trespassing” sign. “Next time”, I tell them, “I’m calling the cops.”

Scorpions, however, have no business in my home. And it’s not like I haven’t warned them. I let several go when I first moved in, and I sent them away with pamphlets entitled “So You’ve Decided to Disrespect Other People’s Property” to disburse among their nation.

Now I need to set examples.

Smashing them into my walls seemed to have worked for a while. Now I’ve become bored and annoyed with the inevitable clean up. My cats don’t go after them anymore either. They tell me their union contracts don’t cover scorpions: only moths and lizards.

So I’ve got a new plan.

I printed up a flyer for a scorpions only singles party at my house this Saturday night, And when they all show up, I’m locking them in my living room, turning on the television, and subjecting them to Pearl Harbor. That’s right. You want in? Suck on Pearl Harbor!!!

Yeah, I know. Stupidest blog ever. Shut up.

The Ballad of Michael Cera

It's not that I don't like Michael Cera.

He's young, hip, funny, and kind of a dork.

He's the next Jason Biggs.

Jason Biggs became the new Steven Segal.

What do these three people have in common? They all have the ability to make us laugh. They also have the ability to play the exact same character in any movie.

Michael Cera, Jason Biggs, and Steven Segal can play cavemen in one movie, cyborgs in another, and Brazilian Nazis in the last and still be the same character. That's beyond acting. That's art.

Am I being sarcastic? Yeah... I'm being sarcastic. Was I being sarcastic when I said THAT? I don't remember.

I find the type-casting of these actors incredibly inspiring. As a matter of fact, their roles inspired me to write the exact same song over and over again, calling it something different each time. I'm also including a cover on this set of songs, but it's actually the same song as the others on the album. I'm just calling it "Stairway to Heaven" so now it's a cover.

Thank you, Michael Cera.

Cracktown

I recently became a virtual farmer in the farming community of Farmtown on the world wide internet. I should add that I became a farmer against my will. My wife hacked into my facebook account, created a farm in my name, and made me her neighbor so she could gain experience points.

We sit in our backyard and have conversation, but I’m periodically ignored as my wife, with a laptop on her legs, has to buy seeds and sell and harvest crops.

When we go out with our friends, discussion switches to the amount of work they have to do on their farms. I swallow the last of my beer, and hit myself in the head repeatedly with the still-chilled glass.

On the PS3 there is a world within a world. It’s just like this one, except it’s digitalized. You can dance, you can watch movies, and you can even play video games. But it isn’t a video game on your system. It’s the virtual you playing a virtual video game inside another video game.

I had many thoughts at first, such as: “Is there a virtual god in the virtual world?” and “What the f***?”

For a long time I was appalled at the huge number of people wasting their lives and ignoring magnificent things like sunsets, meteor showers, and nachos.

But now I feel happy. I’m happy for the people who’ve found happiness in something like Farmtown. They’re learning how to budget their money. They’re learning about business. They’re becoming environmentally aware. And what’s even more important is that people are becoming distracted so that I can proceed with my invasions of their homes and apartments. After all, who needs a set of Pampered Chef cookery when they have experience points?