Republicans and Democrats: 2 Reasons to Move to Neptune

A UFO lands on the White House lawn. An alien steps out and takes a long, deep breath. He clears his throat and is about to blow the minds of every physicist in the world when a shushing finger is held up. "Excuse us just a moment," the House majority leader says. "We need to discuss our stance on your presence before you begin. If Americans want you in prison work camps, they need to know which party to vote for this November."

I left my first political party the moment I noticed the similarities to children choosing team mates on a football field. "Um, yeah... I'll take abortion. You get gay rights."

"Why do you get abortion? Everyone knows abortion is as good as two gay rights!"

"Fine. You get stem cell research."

"Stem cell research cheats! We don't want him on our team!"

"Look, stem cell research plays a pretty good d. Are we playing ball or not?"

Then there's the other problem. This morning I left yet another political party. This time I left because it was tainted by the Tea Party. Like everything else in my life, whenever I get into something it becomes overrun with idiots who have no idea what they're talking about.

White trash took skulls away from me.

Hollywood took Transformers away from me.

Christians took God away from me.

And now the Tea Party has taken Libertarianism away from me.

I guess the real problem is that we all feel like we need to belong to a group, but we'll never really fit in. We'll say we're vegetarians, but we'll occasionally eat a piece of bacon.

In the words of LaBron James: What should I do?

I'm going to fucking blog.

Redneck Patriots and Homosexual Republicans: Two Oxymorons

Our story takes place on my way home from work when I'm already sick of humanity.

I see an SUV ahead of me with a picture across the back accompanied by the only words I can read: "Everything" and "Islam". I think to myself, "Sweet! I'm short on my Islam supplies... I'd like to see this "Everything Islam" ad a little closer".

I speed up to see a giant picture of the twin towers blowing up with the now clear words, "Everything I wanted to know about Islam I learned on 9/11".

Before I looked through the driver side window I already knew what I was going to see. I was going to see a guy in his 40's with sunglasses that went across his entire face wearing a John Deere cap listening to Alan Jackson.

Behold, my prophecy came true.

I was tempted to roll down my window to say, "Everything I wanted to know about Christianity I learned at the Salem Witch Trials," but I was afraid that might make him angry enough to go home and beat his wife and kids a little extra hard tonight.

I was also afraid my joke would be lost as he would have to consult an encyclopedia, a dictionary, and an atlas.