You Can't Spell Halloween without an H and an O

Halloween is fast approaching, which means so are the myriad slutty costumes.

So far I've seen costumes for Slutty Alices in Wonderland, Slutty Bumblebees, Slutty Stockbrokers, and Slutty Sluts.

I guess you could say that I'm a grassroots Halloween activist. I like costumes that scare people. Some of you think I host these zombie walks every year because I think they're fun, but you're as mistaken as talent at an Adam Lambert concert. My zombie walks are a consistent disappointment every single year because real zombies never show up!

Slutty Butterflies and Slutty Mail Carriers have "slutty zombie victim" written all over their bodies.

And I have "please don't eat me I'm the one who sent you the invitation" written all over mine.

My Interview with Lil Wayne

I found out Lil Wayne can be hired to sing on your song for seventy thousand dollars per line. Lucky for me, he only charges sixty thousand per question in an interview.


Viva La Revolucion: Lil Wayne... thanks for coming by and talking with us today.

Lil Wayne: Could you say that again in the form of a question?

VLR: Um... for coming by, thanks... no wait, let's say this... Are you coming by to... no, that doesn't work either. I suppose I can't.

LW: It's aight.

VLR: I was reading the lyrics to your song "Baseball Sex". "I met her on first base standing all alone... we went 2 second base n now she in my zone... then we told Mr. third base we gon'..." do you mean gone or going?

LW: Gon'.

VLR: Sorry... was that... gone or going?

LW: Gon'.

VLR: Um... okay... and Mr. Third? Who's Mr. Third? Is this one of the coaches?

LW: Nah, man. Third. Third base. I jus' say Mr. 'cause I needed an extra syllable.

VLR: I see. Then you say, "I told you I'm taking one of these girls home." So you're taking this girl to your home?

LW: Yup.

VLR: What about home plate? If you're playing baseball you need to go to home plate still. I mean unless it's the end of the inning and the last batter struck out...

LW: Look man, we ain't talkin' about baseball...

VLR: Woah woah woah! We're NOT?

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Lil Wayne!!!

VLR: Holy shit!!! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's zombie!!!

LW: What the hell, man?!

Mozart: I composed esoteric symphonies to pave the road for artists like YOU?!

LW: Hold on, man. Hold on...

Mozart: AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!

LW: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

VLR: Oh my God!!! Mozart's zombie just ate Lil Wayne's face!!! This is horrible!!! Why did I choose to use audio instead of video for this interview?! Oh, the humanity!!!

Things I'd Like to See Escape from a Lab

As many of you probably already know, it turns out the swine flu (registered trademark) is the old H1N1 virus that people were getting every year before the 1970s. Most likely, according to articles, it got loose from a lab where it was being experimented on.

There's a part of me that finds it disturbing that dangerous viruses are being experimented with. A smaller part of me finds it disturbing that someone handling potentially deadly viruses is careless enough to let a lab pig loose. Then again, a very large part of me sees opportunity in lab viruses the way oil men see opportunity in national forests.

Labs are like Area 51. No one knows what's going on inside, but every so often someone sees a pig with a turtle shell or aliens with Illuminati tattoos.

Thanks to labs, I'm beginning to think that all of the fantastical things I believed in when I was a kid are possible. After all, there's been talk for years about cloning prehistoric animals. The following is a list of ten things I'd like to see escape from a lab (besides ten zombies).

1. giant sea horses
2. fire breathing lady bugs
3. Dick Cheney's soul
4. mechanical cockroaches
5. minotaurs
6. cows that give Tang instead of milk
7. monkeys that speak with refined british accents
8. a virus that turns everyone into responsible members of society
9. nuclear unicorns
10. Walt Disney's angry, frozen head

So Cold...

I'm not feeling... so well... I've... been walking... for days... just me and.. laptop... fire ants... came outta nowhere... just started biting... dear God the biting... head feels... light... need... need... eat... br... brain... brains... BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSS...

Plagues: Trendy!

Special thanks to Levi for alerting me to the news article titled "Parasitic Flies turn Fire Ants into Zombies".

Apparently the "infected" wander mindlessly away from their mounds until their heads fall off.

However, my favorite part of the article reads, "making zombies out of fire ants is a good thing". It's population control.

God forbid the population of fire ants grows too large. Who knows what could happen. They could become more intelligent, build cities, start religions, strip mine the earth, invent atomic weapons, pollute the oceans and the air, and establish military torture prisons in Cuba. Then the more intelligent of the fire ants might create vaccines, medicines, and antibodies to overcome natural population control and they would continue to flourish until all natural resources were drained. Can you imagine what could happen if a species' population was allowed to grow too large?!

Well, it's time to drive home from work and I wanna beat that rush hour traffic.

Easter Icons: Part 1 in a Series of 1

I already know I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one.

I love Easter. I love dinner with family and springtime in Arizona. I love everything about it... except for one thing.

It's a holiday that celebrates resurrection, and we celebrate it with... egg hunts? Rabbits? WTF?

Don't get me wrong. I love Paganism. Fire, fertility, dandelions... it's all great, but we need to update our religious celebrations. How long have we been mixing Pagan and Christian ideas now? A couple thousand years? Christianity needs to move on. They need to ditch the Pagan crutch and embrace pop culture.

From now on, I suggest that we replace rabbits and eggs with an icon that better represents the idea of resurrection. What's the first thing that comes to mind when we think of someone coming back from the dead? That's right. Zombies. And what better way to celebrate zombies than with zombie walks.

You can read about future Easter Day Zombie Walks here at Viva La Revolucion! in the near future. Please send any hate mail to the e mail address listed in my profile.

Why I Hate Mondays

I hate Mondays.

"Yeah, who doesn't," you say.

Well, people who have Mondays off, for one.

Unfortunately, my job begins its week on Mondays. So do most. And most people drive the same way to work on Monday mornings as I do. Or so I thought.

My least favorite thing about Monday mornings is the traffic. People drive 35 miles an hour on the freeway for no apparent reason. Two people almost hit me at the same time this morning. No one honked. I found this a particularly strange event for Phoenix. I've never known anyone to fart without getting honked at. So I looked into one of the cars which I thought contained a working drone, such as myself. Then it all became clear. I knew then why Monday morning drives are so terrible. I knew why traffic was so god damned slow. I knew why no one seemed to have any idea what the hell was going on.

I thought the man inside may have been eating a pop tart. Perhaps it was a granola bar. No. It was a human arm.

This man was a zombie.

When I got to work I did some research on my computer. According to Wikipedia, the zombies make their way back down out of the hills in Globe to their homes in the cemetaries of the valley. Needless to say, I was only mildly surprised. If zombies were going to come from anywhere, it would be Globe.