The Salad Parable

As many of you already know, I wait tables at my second job.

As many of you already know, people drive me crazy.

As many of you already know, I made a poor job choice in this aspect.

When people ask me for more butter, more lemons, or more water it doesn't bother me. That's my job. But when I bring out a salad and the person at my table (and it is my table because we're required to bring them from home) takes a piece of lettuce with their fingers, holds it up to me with a condescending smile on their face, and says, "This doesn't look very fresh", I have to smile, apologize, and get them a new one. I'd much rather explain to them that slight discoloration is often caused by the amount of iron in the soil, but it wouldn't matter. In fact, they might get more upset that I'm more intelligent than they are, and that would somehow result in them getting a discount on their bill.

Even more than explaining agriculture to these kinds of customers, I'd like to give them a history lesson that would go something like this.

"Ah, I see you have brought the lettuce to my attention, sir. Your lettuce predicament reminds me of a tale from the paleolithic era."

At this point the lights in the restaurant would dim and tribal drums and flutes would begin to play.

"There once was a man by the name of Krag. Krag would sit near the cozy fire which burned in his community day and night until the rest of his tribe returned from hunting animals and gathering vegetation. When Krag was offered meat he would say, "Nay, I shall not partake in the eating of this meat, for it is underdone." The other people of his tribe shrugged and went back to eating. Later, when Krag was offered the collected vegetation he would say, "I cannot be expected to eat this vegetation, for it is somewhat shriveled and discolored." Once again the people of his tribe shrugged and went back to eating. Suddenly the community was attacked by inter-dimensional lizard-men. The members of Krag's tribe were all able to run away, but not Krag. He had grown fat and slow from never participating in anything except bitching about food preparations. The inter-dimensional lizard-men took Krag back to their king to eat for dinner. But the lizard-men king held up a hand and stopped his lizard-men. "Stop!" he shouted. "Surely you do not expect me to eat this man! For his penis is small, shriveled, and discolored. All lizard-men know this is the best part! Take him back to the kitchen, throw him into a trash can, and tell the starving children in Africa that we are so rich that we can do anything we want with our food!"

The lights would then come back on in the restaurant, the drum and flute band would disperse, and the customer would eat his god-damned salad.