Reincarnation Instant Breakfast

The other day two coworkers of mine were discussing reincarnation.

"... like if you're good in this life you come back as a human, but if you're bad then you'll come back as a frog?" one of them clarified.

At that moment I considered the papers scattered across my cubicle desk, my two dozen unanswered emails, the work I was having to come in and do this weekend, my bills, my inevitable hour drive home through rush-hour traffic, and the constant threat of nuclear war.

Yup. I can't wait to come back and do all this over again.

Maybe that's why the world is overpopulated. There were a lot of insects and sea creatures doing such kick-ass jobs that they got promoted to human status. But the only real experience they had when they were locusts was destroying crops, so now they just do things like consume large amounts of gasoline and join the Tea Party.

The truth is I love the idea of reincarnation. I'd like to think that I get to come back and try something new. But there's no chance in hell I'm ever coming back as a human, because I'm positive that we got it all backwards. My cats get free food, free shelter, free sand to shit in AND someone to clean it up (occasionally). I think it's safe to say that my cats are enjoying a stress-free life.

I brought this up to the gods recently at our last underground fight club. They all took a look at my report, nodded, and whispered amongst each other before coming to a conclusion. "I think I speak for us all," Vishnu said to me, "when I say... woops."

Together we drew up a new hierarchy of desired incarnations. These are the top ten. You'll notice humans didn't make the list as they are 'desired incarnation number 32,978' just below 'plastic bag'.

10. a dog

9. a great white shark

8. a kangaroo signed up as a last minute replacement in a boxing match

7. a 17th century manuscript about the oppression of robots

6. a venti Mocha Frappucino from Starbucks

5. an original 1973 vinyl copy of The Dark Side of the Moon

4. a rare dolphin born with the ability to spray orange soda from its blow hole

3. a nice set of decorative towels

2. Super Mario

1. a bowl of Capn Crunch