'Tis the Season

I don't know about you people (and I'm not saying that because all of my readers are black), but I'm getting a little tired of having Christmas thrust in my face like a stripper's money-hungry, pine-scented crotch the day after Halloween.

We're now celebrating Christmas for a full two months before its calendar date. That's one sixth of the year that is devoted to Christmas. During the Christmas season, I'll get two oil changes.

I predict that twenty years from now the Christmas season will begin immediately following Labor Day.

Christmas is by far the most greed-fueled holiday in the entire Milky Way galaxy. When I think about Jesus and the things he taught us, I don't remember the part about punching someone in the spleen in order to get the last Call of Duty game. It's ironic that we celebrate the birth of someone who taught us about love, compassion, sacrifice, and forgiveness this way.

I'm not even a religious man, but I know hypocrisy when I see it. That's why I'm proposing a new set of rules for how Christmas is to be celebrated.

1. Instead of presents, we will exchange children for the day and force them to act out scenes from 'Total Recall'.

2. Instead of cutting down trees to put in our living rooms, we'll hang up pictures of Katy Perry made entirely of macaroni.

3. Instead of Christmas music, we'll only be able to listen to recordings of great political debates reenacted by Patrick Stewart and Oscar the Grouch.

4. Instead of putting lights on our houses, we'll stick catnip in our pants.

5. And instead of kissing someone every time we step beneath mistletoe, we'll cover ourselves in chicken broth every time someone says the word 'cynicism'.