The Rapture: Brought to You by Apple

So here we are in May, and I haven't posted a single thought since February. There are two reasons for this:

1. I've been preparing for the rapture and am broadcasting from a military base deep in the mountains of northern Canada.

2. Despite what was illustrated in their brochure, the military base is NOT a WiFi hot spot.

Imagine my surprise when I came out of hiding and everything was still hunky dorry.

It got me thinking, though. What if the rapture came and went and no one noticed because none of us were good enough to go to Heaven? What if Jesus stepped out of his UFO, took a look around, and said, "Seriously? Well, it may not be a complete waste of time. Looks like there's an In and Out Burger in .7 miles according to my iPhone."

My hopes are still up, though, as I have an unsettling fantasy about living in a post apocalyptic future and having to fight for meals, gasoline, and Pokemon cards.

So you've decided to freeze yourself in carbonite (part 1).

Friends, I've recently realized my destiny and it is to awaken in a post apocalyptic future where apes and men coexist in decaying civilization.

I had this epiphany a few nights ago during a "Girls Gone Wild" television ad. In that commercial I saw reflected all of the idiocy and de-evolution of my fellow man. In disgust, I changed the channel to TBS and watched the last hour of Mad Max. That's when I realized: I want to eat dog food and blow shit up.

It really makes a lot of sense. I like nature and I like industrial music. What better way to bring the two together than to abolish all forms of government and social structure, and throw a bunch of charred metal all over the place. So I'm freezing myself until the year 2074.

It's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun.