Question of the Week April 9

My question of the week: Why isn't anyone responding to my questions of the week?! If no one starts answering my questions then I'm going to strike by simply writing about absurd things off the top of my head that have absolutely no credibility... wait...

Yorkies and Cannibalism: Both Bad for Children

I’m driving down the road, which I like to do when I transport myself somewhere, and see a little dog with an ugly face in the lap of an old woman driving an Altima. Aside form the potential danger this woman is about to unleash on other drivers, I begin wondering why this woman and other women like her choose to bring their dogs with them on every mundane errand. Then I have my answer. Old women love little dogs because it satisfies their empty nest syndrome. Since their ungrateful kids don’t want to have anything to do with them, they want to have something that still needs and desires affection.

That’s an obvious one. The real question in my head was, “How long have older women been doing this?” I recently set out across Ethiopia to study ancient symbols and cave drawings, and I was shocked by my archaeological findings. I was asked if I’d like a guide or a translator to accompany me, but as we all know I’m an expert in ancient script.

As it turns out, women have not always kept small dogs after their family has moved out of the village. As a matter of fact, it had been tradition (all the way up until the 1950s) after the family has moved away for the mother to actually capture and cannibalize the children of a neighboring family. It was believed that she would absorb their souls and therefore always be “full of the love and fear of the innocent”. This is according to Sumerian text.

One more mystery of the world has been solved. You can all relax just a little bit more.

Men: Not Unlike Velociraptors

Today’s inspiring tale comes from an experience I had this morning with a coworker (as usual).

“I hate men,” Cordelia (name changed to protect my career) mumbled as she passed me this morning. Then I did what I normally do when I need to ponder a comment or question: I sat on the toilet for a few minutes.

The Revelation According to The Post Apocalyptic Cowboy as described to Cordelia:

It’s not that most men are scoundrels… we’re all scoundrels (potentially). Men are hunters. Men are warriors. That is, we used to be these things. In today’s world we’ve become Abercrombie and Fitch wearing pansies. What happened to us?

Because of this sudden (in the eye of time) transition to a comparatively mundane existence, our chemicals are going nuts. We’re supposed to be routinely strategizing and killing things with our bare hands.

Men like sports because we all want to be beating someone to death on a battlefield.

Ladies, when we become combative when we’re asked to do something trivial like take out the trash it’s because, in reality, we know we should be wrestling an elk to the ground. We should be plundering a village. We should be creating and destroying empires. Alas, we are separating recyclables.

It’s not that we don’t want to confess these feelings and be held in your caring arms. We’d just rather be held in the cold arms of death in a wintery field and clutching our intestines that have recently been spilled by an enemy’s swift attack. It’s just not the same. You understand.

I'm not gay... but my alternate personality is.

If I were gay, the prospect of wearing tights, a cape, and a mask every night would be an enticing one.

This is why I don't understand why there aren't more gay superheroes.

I think this world is ready for a gay vigilante.

My question of the week is: If you were a gay comic book hero, what would your name be and who would be your arch nemesis?

Think for Yourself? What were you Thinking?

I'm done with work.

I don't mean I'm off and going home.

I mean I've realized that working is pointless.

"Woah there, buddy," you say. "You can't just quit! Think about your bills! Think about your cats! Think about FICA!!!"

Oh... I have.

It dawned on me recently that we only need jobs for two reasons: (a) We're too lazy to grow and make our own products, and (b) there are a startling number of businesses out there profiting on that idea by offering us what we think we can't live without.

We're no different than trained Sea Monkeys.

Think about it for a moment.

Consider banks. Consider insurance. Consider "Dancing with the Stars."

Now stop considering all of those things because I already have. I'll do your thinking from now on for a mere thirty dollars a month. That's the price of a gym membership! Free up your brain so you can burn more calories. As a matter of fact, brain fat accounts for ninety percent of the total fat in your body! Ninety Percent!

Paypal is accepted through my business's website at www.stopthinkingforyourselfandstartburningbraincalories.org.

Get lean and become a machine.

Speedy Getaway

After leaving work yesterday I accidentally entered the intersection not realizing there wasn't enough room to go all the way through. When my light turned red the rear of my car was partially blocking the left hand turn lane. The man turning, with his window down, yelled "f*cker!", and drove away very quickly.

My first instinct was to yell back. My second instinct was to reverse into his car. My third instinct was to follow him home, get out of my car, and start screaming random biblical references about the end of the world while I seized and drooled violently on his front lawn.

After I ran different scenarios through my head and laughed childishly, I had an epiphany:

When people are gridlocked in traffic and you're driving the other way, you can pretty much say or do anything you want without fear of repercussion.

So here's what I did:

Today was a hot day, and people had their windows down. I made seven hundred copies of my band's CD, and then I tossed them into car windows as I drove by and shouted "The answer to mediocrity has arrived!". This was the best idea I'd ever had.

Unfortunately, when I got home I realized that I hadn't downloaded any of my music to those CDs. Instead, I had accidentally burned pages and pages of Communist propaganda onto those discs.

Question of the week March 24

Let's start something new so that I'll actually write and check blogs more often since the story thing isn't working out so well. I still want to do it, but time prevents me from staying regular (in writing, not my bowels).

Question of the week:

If you could choose one band to write a soundtrack to your life who would it be and why?

Hook a brother up with an answer! Then I'll post my answer next week :)