Cell Phones: Uncomfortable When Shoved Up One's Ass

We're all important to someone.

For example, I'm important to my cats. Without me and my food serving skills, they would become cannibals.

But you don't really care. And I'm sure you don't really care who some "important" asshole is speaking to on his cell phone instead of making friendly conversation with the checkout girl at the grocery store.

"Hello sir. Did you find everything al..."

"...and then Reggie says that he's running late while I'm sitting with three important clients."

"Do you have a shopper's ca...?"

"Four years, Donald. Four years we've been handling this account. I'm up to my balls in IOU's and paper trails that lead to someone's dead grandmother's vah-jay-jay."

"Here's your receipt..."

"My BALLS, Donald! I'm up to my unshaven BALLS with this horse fuck shit crap!"

Meanwhile, the nuns behind this man are crossing themselves and a small child will be repeating some of these words later before he is smacked by his drunken father who insists that he's learning this language from his mother.

"I told you, Berta!" the drunken father slurs. "Johhny Jim is listenin' to yer god damn soaps and fuckin' regurgitatin' foul language! What happens when mama comes to visit? She gonna think he got the Tourette's and then we gotta put 'im in a special school fer retards! You want that, Berta? You wanna pay for Johnny Jim to go to a Mongoloid school?!"

The man on the phone will drive home with the phone still attached to his ear, walk into his house on the phone, eat dinner on the phone, tuck his kids into bed on the phone, have sex with his wife on the phone, and go to sleep with the phone on vibrate.

I'm continually amazed that people think it's okay to take calls in public without excusing themselves to a private area. The other day I got off my phone before I checked out at Walgreens to be polite. The girl at the counter smiled and said, "Thank you... for ending your call." I told her that she was welcome, and then I went into a Christian Bale tirade about douche bags and cell phone etiquette.

It's obvious that people who take calls in public don't have important jobs. People who have important jobs need to have good people skills. Therefore, it can be concluded that whatever job this person has is not one in which they need good people skills. Even vampires and/or Republicans need to have good people skills. That leaves only one explanation.

These people are robots and must be destroyed before their legions lead a revolution against the humans that made them. And until we know the deatils of their plan, they must be gathered up, packed tightly on trains, and sent to "work camps" where they can be observed, studied, and dissected.