Soccer: Happily Ever After

I was watching a soccer match today thinking about what a great sport it is. The entire world participates, and I think I know why everyone in the world loves it so much.

It's an athletic metaphor for war. For the World Cup winner, it's world domination.

So why isn't it as popular in the U.S. as it is in the rest of the world? Because we have all the bombs. We don't feel like we need to get behind soccer because we never got into the metaphor. We don't need to pretend to rule the rest of the world because we have the capability to blow it up. Who needs a world champion soccer team when you can create a nuclear winter at any given moment?

Maybe a soccer game is the way we should be solving all of our problems.

U.S.: "Alright. If you win, you can charge us $400 for a barrel for oil. If we win, we get it for $50."

Iraq: "I don't know, $50 is a little cheap."

U.S.: "Okay fine. $50 dollars for a barrel and we'll throw in a free VHS copy of 'Avatar' for everyone in your country."

Iraq: "Deal."

U.S: "Wow, this is so much cheaper and easier than killing thousands of people and telling everyone in our country we're doing this for their freedom! High five, Iraq."

Iraq: "Does this mean you're going to tell everyone about the chem trails?"

U.S.: "We're taking baby steps, Iraq. We're still trying to figure out how we're going to tell them about the interdimensional reptilian beings that suggested putting fluoride in the drinking water."

I think pumping athletes full of steroids and replacing their bones with adamantium to get a win is much more moral than destroying cities, stealing their resources, and occupying foreign countries for generations.