The Omega Phone

Technology is moving at an abnormally fast rate. Someday your phone will not only be able to order a pizza for you, but it will spread wings, fly to get it, eat it for you, and then e-mail it to your iPad.

Someday touch screens will be dead. You'll just be able to think about what website you want to visit and your chosen piece of technology (phone, tablet, computer, or the eventual amalgamation of all three) will go there for you.

This leaves me with only one question: Why the hell are we so obsessed with things that have no effect on the quality of our lives?

This all starts with kids.

Kids always want what their friends have. They throw tantrums, punch holes in walls, and shit their pants until their parents are stupid enough to give in and buy them whatever toy it is they want this week because they think their kids will love them more if they buy it for them. Then these kids grow up spoiled and hating their parents because they were never taught discipline or monetary value. They become adults who call in sick to work, stand in line for 16 hours, rush into Verizon for the newest iPhone, discover there are only two left, stab the three people in front of them, buy both of them, sell one on eBay, and drive home while simultaneously updating their Facebook status and plowing through a wheelchair race.

And new technology pops up like acne on a fifteen year old because there's a market. We don't need it. There's simply a market of self-absorbed adults who used to be self-absorbed kids who want new self-absorbing toys (not to be confused with self-absorbing Brawny paper towels).

But who am I to say what's best for people? If you want to spend the rest of your life with your face in your phone that's fine with me. In the meantime, I'm going to start preparing for the enslavement of humanity by small rectangular robots that have plenty of exciting apps to keep you distracted while they lock you into contracts, charge you every time you press the number 6, and make you want to answer texts and phone calls in the middle of movies, communion, and sexual intercourse.

Ant Motel: The Parallel to the "No-Tell" Variety

I had an epiphany tonight. Strangely, I wasn't in the bathroom during this one. I was in the insecticide isle at the grocery store.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't like to kill anything (unless it's a bottle of Kiltlifter or Yoo-Hoo). I like to put things in perspective. For example, just before I eat a hamburger I wonder what it would be like for humans to be corralled, ground into little bits, and consumed by beings that don't give a fuck.

Tonight I was buying ant motels after our kitchen was plagued by ants. I thought to myself, "It would be strange to go inside of something, pick up a contaminant, and bring it back to our colony to spread to the others." And suddenly I realized that ant motels are no different than chlamydia.

The truth is I've been trying to fit chlamydia into a blog for about a month now.

Success!

The Rapture: Brought to You by Apple

So here we are in May, and I haven't posted a single thought since February. There are two reasons for this:

1. I've been preparing for the rapture and am broadcasting from a military base deep in the mountains of northern Canada.

2. Despite what was illustrated in their brochure, the military base is NOT a WiFi hot spot.

Imagine my surprise when I came out of hiding and everything was still hunky dorry.

It got me thinking, though. What if the rapture came and went and no one noticed because none of us were good enough to go to Heaven? What if Jesus stepped out of his UFO, took a look around, and said, "Seriously? Well, it may not be a complete waste of time. Looks like there's an In and Out Burger in .7 miles according to my iPhone."

My hopes are still up, though, as I have an unsettling fantasy about living in a post apocalyptic future and having to fight for meals, gasoline, and Pokemon cards.

Population Explosion (Figurative and Literal)

We humans have done well recently in preserving endangered animals and plants in order to save them from extinction. We’ve also done pretty well at thinning out a species that overpopulates. We’re keeping the balance. I’m not sure who gave that job to us. Perhaps it was the same person who gave America the job of policing the entire world.

Perhaps it’s guilt for the other 9,000 species that we wiped out over the years.

Fortunately, we humans are too smart and too powerful for any other species, plant or animal, to overtake us. The plague? A joke. AIDS? Nice try. Swine flu? Come on, you’re boring me. The super volcano beneath Yellowstone? Wait, that hasn’t happened yet. Nor has the enslavement of our race by the man-squids of Thorak. But I’m sure we’ll overcome both as if they were a common cold.

“An alien race wiped out a town of people, you say? Dear God, what a tragedy! Let’s go help them out! Actually, we’ll be there tomorrow. We have to exterminate a colony of bees in our shed this afternoon.”

I’d say that we humans are the biggest problem of all. I’d say that we wouldn’t have to do much saving if we did more preventing. However, I know I’d be approached by one of my fellow Arizonans who would respond with something like, “If we ain’t supposed to overpopulate then that’s the earth’s problem to solve.”

And that might be true. It is, after all, a well known scientific fact that large-scale volcanism and meteors destroyed the dinosaurs moments after they started having dozens of children and applying for food stamps.

But why let it come to that? Shouldn’t we champion the idea that we’re intelligent enough to know better? If I didn’t keep the balance of keeping my room and dishes clean, I knew I’d get smacked. And you know something? I didn’t want to get smacked. And I really don’t want to be crushed by a meteor or blown into bits by a super volcano.

Cell Your Soul

I was in a training class a few weeks ago when a woman's cell phone goes off. She picks it up while the instructor is still talking to the class. "Hello?" she says. "I... I can't talk right now. No, I can't talk right... clothes? No, just throw them in the dryer. The dryer. The dry... listen, I can't talk right now. Yes, she called and said she had a recital tomorrow. A recital. Recital. Look, I can't talk right now. I'm in a training class. I'll talk to you... a ham? Sure, I can pick one up. Avatar? Yes, I loved it! Wouldn't you love to live in a world with floating islands like that? Holy shit, I know! James Cameron is a fucking genius! Hey, I'm in a training class, I can't talk right now."

The person who picks up a phone just to say 'I can't talk right now' ranks number two on my list of annoying cell phone habits. Number one is the person who lets 'Poker Face' play through the entire chorus at 3,000 decibels while they grab the phone out of their purse, examine the incoming phone number like they're deciphering hieroglyphics, tell the people at their table that it's Heather, and put it back in their purse without ever hitting the extremely easy-to-find silence button.

I do, however, believe that someday soon people will stop doing things like texting while they’re confessing to their priest, checking their Facebook status while driving through a school zone, or having a conversation on their phone about stock trades while checking out at Food City. It's just that I think that day will have to begin with a meteor crashing into the earth.

"Can you hear me? I'm getting really shitty reception next to this crater... Hello? Look, I can't talk right now..."

The Metaphorical Buffet

Even though I'd like to live forever in order to see the fall of western civilization and the rise of Native American robots from Ganymede, there was once part of me that wanted to die at 27. I wanted to be like Jim Morrison and live on forever in the memories and dreams of youth for generations to come. That plan fell through in part because no one knew who the hell I was. The other part was that I eventually turned 28.

Now I'm 31, and it may as well be just the way you read it. I don't remember 29 or 30 at all.

I work with a plethora of college kids at one of my jobs. I see how happy and carefree they are and it makes me sick. None of them are afraid of the government yet. None of them fear death. None of them have to lie to the IRS. None of them have dangerously high cholesterol.

And it doesn't make me sick in a hateful way. It makes me feel sick in the same way that you wake up from a long night of drinking with a hangover. Your thirties are a ten year hangover from your twenties.

Looking back on your twenties is like seeing a girl you dated has now become the biggest actress in the world and you stand up to say, "I slept with her before she was famous!" But you neglect to mention that you dumped her because her breasts weren't big enough, and you're managing a car wash.

I made a Tenacious D reference and a girl said to me, "I'm not THAT old." That's funny. I didn't realize I was either.

The only people who still think I'm cool are almost twice my age and gave birth to me.

It's like I'm standing in line at an all you can eat buffet in downtown Las Vegas eager to get my money's worth when a person bungie jumping off the top of the Stratosphere catches my eye through the window, and I lose my appetite for convenience. I decide to run out and join them, but I sit down at a table instead. The waitress takes my order for a water and I wait patiently. When she comes back I pay my 31 dollar tab with a 40. Before I tell her to keep the change, I think to myself...

I bet I can get a pretty good hangover at 40 with the remaining 9.

Political Nominations: Worse than Grammy Nominations? I Didn't Think it was Possible Either.

Of all the people I'd like to see on an office ballot, none of their names ever appear.

Not that it would matter. Even if Trent Reznor ran for president with Carl Sagan as his running mate, Ghandi as his political advisor, Serj Tankian as his secretary of defense, and Cthulu as ambassador to North Korea, nothing would get accomplished.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where we leave important decisions to the people who live here.

"Sure, a 'no' vote on this proposition violates basic human rights, but let's allow people who think that God hates Jews, homosexuals, and free music downloads to decide for us."

I'm not here to promote Communism or Anarchy. And although I've been offered a large sum of money by Coke Zero, a refreshingly satisfying alternative to Coke, I'm not here to promote them either. But trust me, our society would be better off if we left every political issue to a game of rock/ paper/ scissors.

All I'm suggesting is that people educate themselves before voting. Getting your education from coworkers, friends, and radio talk show hosts doesn't count. One of the greatest gifts you've been given is the ability to read. You don't need to be told what to think, as ironic as it may be that I'm telling you not to be told what to think. I think I just created a paradox... black hole... just opened on my screen... can't fight... gravitational pull... Coke Zero... very refreshing...