We're currently seven years from the year 2015, and I don't think I'm the only one who checks Popular Mechanics every month just to see if Mr. Fusion has been invented yet.
Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of ethanol. I think that deciding whether we want to eat our food or convert it into energy for our automobiles could actually become a healthy daily ethical debate.
"Daddy? I'm starving..."
"I know. But you've got a soccer game to win. Let's hop in the Hummer and kick some ass."
I also really like that none of the alternatives to fossil fuels includes an infinite resource like the sun or wind. It's genius. It's like someone said, "Yeah, those ideas are pretty good, but they're not evil enough. Let's all think of ways to charge people to drive their cars while simultaneously melting down the polar ice caps. We'll meet back here after lunch. Oh, and there's no corn in the cafeteria today."
Yeah. It's times like these that I wish I was a Republican. In the meantime, I think we need a biofuel that's a little less bio and a little more bi. Biproductfuel. Where's Doc Brown when we need him?
Monday, June 9, 2008
Monday, November 12, 2007
Letter to God, part four.
God:
Happy Veteran's Day! I figured this day would mean much more to you than anyone else seeing as so many people have fought battles in your name.
How do you choose sides? If Christians and Muslims are strapping bombs to their chests, how do you decide whose dynamite malfunctions and whose body gets blown into a bloody mass? Football must be easy because I'm sure you have a coin or something that you toss, but holy wars must be a difficult thing to determine the outcome of. One of my friends tells me that you probably choose the group who go to church the most, but I disagree because nobody like a kiss-ass. I have a theory, and correct my if I'm wrong, that the group who you favor in battle is the one who has murdered the least amount of people. It seems to make the most sense since murder is a mortal sin. I would appreciate any insight.
Enjoy your day off!
Phil
Happy Veteran's Day! I figured this day would mean much more to you than anyone else seeing as so many people have fought battles in your name.
How do you choose sides? If Christians and Muslims are strapping bombs to their chests, how do you decide whose dynamite malfunctions and whose body gets blown into a bloody mass? Football must be easy because I'm sure you have a coin or something that you toss, but holy wars must be a difficult thing to determine the outcome of. One of my friends tells me that you probably choose the group who go to church the most, but I disagree because nobody like a kiss-ass. I have a theory, and correct my if I'm wrong, that the group who you favor in battle is the one who has murdered the least amount of people. It seems to make the most sense since murder is a mortal sin. I would appreciate any insight.
Enjoy your day off!
Phil
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Goodbye, cruel world. Do you need anything while I'm out?
My official last day at Longfellow Elementary came and passed this week. I'm leaving behind some great friends and some great kids. However, this sudden change has inspired me to pursue by next big project: Earning my masters degree in Televangelism.
It came to me on Friday. I thought to myself, "You know, Phil, you're really being taken advantage of in this situation." After I replied, "I know!" I continued. "Just imagine- someone is being paid lots of money to do this to you. You could be that person taking advantage of others!"
This morning I met with the executive producers of the CBN and gave a power point presentation for my idea. My show would consist of the following elements:
1. A giant cross with the words "He is risen... what have you done lately?"
2. Baptisms by special celebrity guests.
3. Holy water guns for the kids.
4. Communion PB and J.
5. Piggy banks in the shape of Jesus instead of offeratory plates.
6. Go-go dancers to accompany all hymns.
The pilot episode will be aired this Sunday.
It came to me on Friday. I thought to myself, "You know, Phil, you're really being taken advantage of in this situation." After I replied, "I know!" I continued. "Just imagine- someone is being paid lots of money to do this to you. You could be that person taking advantage of others!"
This morning I met with the executive producers of the CBN and gave a power point presentation for my idea. My show would consist of the following elements:
1. A giant cross with the words "He is risen... what have you done lately?"
2. Baptisms by special celebrity guests.
3. Holy water guns for the kids.
4. Communion PB and J.
5. Piggy banks in the shape of Jesus instead of offeratory plates.
6. Go-go dancers to accompany all hymns.
The pilot episode will be aired this Sunday.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Letter to God, part three.
God:
I really admire the way you struck down the tower of babel in the old testament. I did the same thing when I discovered a nest of hornets on my patio. I thought it was fair. You really don't need people up in your business like that. I also thought that dismantling our language so that no one could understand each other was a nice touch. It was like saying, "And stay out!" without actually having to say it. That was very diplomatic.
Did you intend for the destuction of our language to continue over thousands of years, and if so, are you slowly turning the language sections of our brains into hummus? The reason I ask is because I've noticed a startling increase in the frequency of the word "thingy" when people speak. At work yesterday I was asked to send the "thingy" down to the office. My mechanic told me this morning that I needed a new "thingy" because my old one didn't work anymore. And at church the congregation was asked to put money in the "thingy" that was being passed around.
I fear that one day nouns won't work anymore. I fear that one day I'll ask someone to pass the salt and I'll be viciously attacked because I'll be mistaken for a Frenchman. If you decide not to halt the dillusion of our language, please consider giving me bigger muscles.
Best Wishes,
Phil Atherton
I really admire the way you struck down the tower of babel in the old testament. I did the same thing when I discovered a nest of hornets on my patio. I thought it was fair. You really don't need people up in your business like that. I also thought that dismantling our language so that no one could understand each other was a nice touch. It was like saying, "And stay out!" without actually having to say it. That was very diplomatic.
Did you intend for the destuction of our language to continue over thousands of years, and if so, are you slowly turning the language sections of our brains into hummus? The reason I ask is because I've noticed a startling increase in the frequency of the word "thingy" when people speak. At work yesterday I was asked to send the "thingy" down to the office. My mechanic told me this morning that I needed a new "thingy" because my old one didn't work anymore. And at church the congregation was asked to put money in the "thingy" that was being passed around.
I fear that one day nouns won't work anymore. I fear that one day I'll ask someone to pass the salt and I'll be viciously attacked because I'll be mistaken for a Frenchman. If you decide not to halt the dillusion of our language, please consider giving me bigger muscles.
Best Wishes,
Phil Atherton
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Letter to God, part two.
God:
Thank you for replying to my last letter so quickly. And yes, I will be sure to tell everyone I know that all letters to you should be business format.
How is Mrs. God? Tell her that the brownies she sent me were fantastic. Did I detect a hint of nutmeg?
I appreciate the answer to my question about the colors of the rainbow. I didn't realize that it was actually made of several thousand colors but you created our eyes to group colors into distinct groups. That's very interesting.
I have another question for you. Could you tell John the Baptist to take me off of his mailing list? It's nothing personal. The jokes he sends are very funny, especially the ethnic ones, but I don't like the chain mail he sends. I understand that it's all in good fun, but I don't like being told that my crops won't grow for two years if I don't forward his message.
Enjoy your trip to Athens.
Cordially,
Phil Atherton
Thank you for replying to my last letter so quickly. And yes, I will be sure to tell everyone I know that all letters to you should be business format.
How is Mrs. God? Tell her that the brownies she sent me were fantastic. Did I detect a hint of nutmeg?
I appreciate the answer to my question about the colors of the rainbow. I didn't realize that it was actually made of several thousand colors but you created our eyes to group colors into distinct groups. That's very interesting.
I have another question for you. Could you tell John the Baptist to take me off of his mailing list? It's nothing personal. The jokes he sends are very funny, especially the ethnic ones, but I don't like the chain mail he sends. I understand that it's all in good fun, but I don't like being told that my crops won't grow for two years if I don't forward his message.
Enjoy your trip to Athens.
Cordially,
Phil Atherton
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Letter to God, part one.
Dear God,
I wasn't sure if this letter should be business format or friendly format. It is, after all, my first time writing to a deity if you don't count the letter I sent to Poseidon after Hurricane Katrina. Perhaps for my first request you could let me know how I should format letters to you in the future.
I've decided that e-mail might be the best way to contact you. I tried to text message you a few weeks ago, but I may have accidentally sent it to my friend Gary whose name is near yours in my list of contacts. I've also become aware of the possibility that my prayers may not be penetrating the vast amounts of radio waves in the atmosphere.
I'm writing to you today because my friend and I were having a philosophical debate that I was hoping you could clarify. My friend says that there are seven colors in the rainbow while I say there are only six. Who the hell really looks at a rainbow and says, "What a lovely shade of indigo"? Who goes to Home Depot to ask for a paint that is an exact match for the indigo which appears in rainbows? Even a leprechaun defending his fabled pot of gold could tell you that there is no indigo. There are three primary colors and the three secondary colors which fit nicely inbetween them to create a circle of monochromatic harmony. Everyone knows that indigo is a tertiary color. A solitary tertiary color among several primary and secondary colors disrupts circles and creates polygons.
I know that you are very busy helping football teams win games, appearing in loaves of bread in Mexico, and trying to discourage people from killing in your name, but I hope you find time to answer my question. TTYL.
Phil
I wasn't sure if this letter should be business format or friendly format. It is, after all, my first time writing to a deity if you don't count the letter I sent to Poseidon after Hurricane Katrina. Perhaps for my first request you could let me know how I should format letters to you in the future.
I've decided that e-mail might be the best way to contact you. I tried to text message you a few weeks ago, but I may have accidentally sent it to my friend Gary whose name is near yours in my list of contacts. I've also become aware of the possibility that my prayers may not be penetrating the vast amounts of radio waves in the atmosphere.
I'm writing to you today because my friend and I were having a philosophical debate that I was hoping you could clarify. My friend says that there are seven colors in the rainbow while I say there are only six. Who the hell really looks at a rainbow and says, "What a lovely shade of indigo"? Who goes to Home Depot to ask for a paint that is an exact match for the indigo which appears in rainbows? Even a leprechaun defending his fabled pot of gold could tell you that there is no indigo. There are three primary colors and the three secondary colors which fit nicely inbetween them to create a circle of monochromatic harmony. Everyone knows that indigo is a tertiary color. A solitary tertiary color among several primary and secondary colors disrupts circles and creates polygons.
I know that you are very busy helping football teams win games, appearing in loaves of bread in Mexico, and trying to discourage people from killing in your name, but I hope you find time to answer my question. TTYL.
Phil
Monday, May 14, 2007
Why I Hate Mondays
I hate Mondays.
"Yeah, who doesn't," you say.
Well, people who have Mondays off, for one.
Unfortunately, my job begins its week on Mondays. So do most. And most people drive the same way to work on Monday mornings as I do. Or so I thought.
My least favorite thing about Monday mornings is the traffic. People drive 35 miles an hour on the freeway for no apparent reason. Two people almost hit me at the same time this morning. No one honked. I found this a particularly strange event for Phoenix. I've never known anyone to fart without getting honked at. So I looked into one of the cars which I thought contained a working drone, such as myself. Then it all became clear. I knew then why Monday morning drives are so terrible. I knew why traffic was so god damned slow. I knew why no one seemed to have any idea what the hell was going on.
I thought the man inside may have been eating a pop tart. Perhaps it was a granola bar. No. It was a human arm.
This man was a zombie.
When I got to work I did some research on my computer. According to Wikipedia, the zombies make their way back down out of the hills in Globe to their homes in the cemetaries of the valley. Needless to say, I was only mildly surprised. If zombies were going to come from anywhere, it would be Globe.
"Yeah, who doesn't," you say.
Well, people who have Mondays off, for one.
Unfortunately, my job begins its week on Mondays. So do most. And most people drive the same way to work on Monday mornings as I do. Or so I thought.
My least favorite thing about Monday mornings is the traffic. People drive 35 miles an hour on the freeway for no apparent reason. Two people almost hit me at the same time this morning. No one honked. I found this a particularly strange event for Phoenix. I've never known anyone to fart without getting honked at. So I looked into one of the cars which I thought contained a working drone, such as myself. Then it all became clear. I knew then why Monday morning drives are so terrible. I knew why traffic was so god damned slow. I knew why no one seemed to have any idea what the hell was going on.
I thought the man inside may have been eating a pop tart. Perhaps it was a granola bar. No. It was a human arm.
This man was a zombie.
When I got to work I did some research on my computer. According to Wikipedia, the zombies make their way back down out of the hills in Globe to their homes in the cemetaries of the valley. Needless to say, I was only mildly surprised. If zombies were going to come from anywhere, it would be Globe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)