I'm not gay... but my alternate personality is.

If I were gay, the prospect of wearing tights, a cape, and a mask every night would be an enticing one.

This is why I don't understand why there aren't more gay superheroes.

I think this world is ready for a gay vigilante.

My question of the week is: If you were a gay comic book hero, what would your name be and who would be your arch nemesis?

Think for Yourself? What were you Thinking?

I'm done with work.

I don't mean I'm off and going home.

I mean I've realized that working is pointless.

"Woah there, buddy," you say. "You can't just quit! Think about your bills! Think about your cats! Think about FICA!!!"

Oh... I have.

It dawned on me recently that we only need jobs for two reasons: (a) We're too lazy to grow and make our own products, and (b) there are a startling number of businesses out there profiting on that idea by offering us what we think we can't live without.

We're no different than trained Sea Monkeys.

Think about it for a moment.

Consider banks. Consider insurance. Consider "Dancing with the Stars."

Now stop considering all of those things because I already have. I'll do your thinking from now on for a mere thirty dollars a month. That's the price of a gym membership! Free up your brain so you can burn more calories. As a matter of fact, brain fat accounts for ninety percent of the total fat in your body! Ninety Percent!

Paypal is accepted through my business's website at www.stopthinkingforyourselfandstartburningbraincalories.org.

Get lean and become a machine.

Speedy Getaway

After leaving work yesterday I accidentally entered the intersection not realizing there wasn't enough room to go all the way through. When my light turned red the rear of my car was partially blocking the left hand turn lane. The man turning, with his window down, yelled "f*cker!", and drove away very quickly.

My first instinct was to yell back. My second instinct was to reverse into his car. My third instinct was to follow him home, get out of my car, and start screaming random biblical references about the end of the world while I seized and drooled violently on his front lawn.

After I ran different scenarios through my head and laughed childishly, I had an epiphany:

When people are gridlocked in traffic and you're driving the other way, you can pretty much say or do anything you want without fear of repercussion.

So here's what I did:

Today was a hot day, and people had their windows down. I made seven hundred copies of my band's CD, and then I tossed them into car windows as I drove by and shouted "The answer to mediocrity has arrived!". This was the best idea I'd ever had.

Unfortunately, when I got home I realized that I hadn't downloaded any of my music to those CDs. Instead, I had accidentally burned pages and pages of Communist propaganda onto those discs.

Question of the week March 24

Let's start something new so that I'll actually write and check blogs more often since the story thing isn't working out so well. I still want to do it, but time prevents me from staying regular (in writing, not my bowels).

Question of the week:

If you could choose one band to write a soundtrack to your life who would it be and why?

Hook a brother up with an answer! Then I'll post my answer next week :)

Organic?! SHUT YOUR HOLE!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, it blows my mind every time I hear someone say, "Organic food? Eew." What the expletive deleted do people think organic food is? Now, I know that you, the reader, know exactly what organic food is. I know you're not an idot like the average douche on the street. I'll spare you the rant about the all natural food our ancestors had been eating for tens of thousands of years. I'll even spare you the large amounts of swear words I like to include in my so-called "angry blogs". All I want to say about people who dismiss the idea of organic food as "gross" or "nasty" or even "from the ass of Satan himself" is this:

I'm envious.

I'm envious because I want to devour so many preservatives that a museum will be able to stand my dead body up for decades before it begins to decay.

When I'm buried I'll be so full of chemicals that I'll reanimate all of the corpses around me. Then the reanimated corpses in question will reign terror upon earth. This reign of terror will later be documented on the evening news and replayed at least once a week for the next seven years and fit into every History Channel special like the September 11 attacks.

It would be wonderful to think that even in death I'm doing something for the world.

Americash!

America... Land of the free... Home of the brave... Red-headed step-child of China? What?

In light of the recent economic problems... somewhere between the 450 point drop in the DOW and the 450 point increase... I started thinking about the 85 billion dollar bailout of AIG issued by our government. One might ask, "But Soda, isn't the government already in a 420 trillion dollar debt?" Of course they are. But that's alright. We'll just print more money. Then we'll dance in it and make ceremonial, amber-wavey love in it before we give it to insurance and banking giants.

So it goes without saying that the value of the American dollar is quickly becoming that of the Mexican peso at best. So what's next? Start selling bonds! Who wants a piece of America? It looks great on a mantle.

The Chinese are already sleeping outside of the Fort Knox box office waiting for the economic concert tickets to go on sale. Don't get me wrong... I love the Chinese. I love their food, I like their underaged olympians, and I admire their strong, albeit outdated and soooo last season, cling to communism. But you have to admit... it's a little unsettling to think that someday the majority of our country could be owned by another country.

I know what some of you are thinking: More economic stimulus checks! After all, they worked out really well... for me. I bought a new laptop and some stock in Lehman Brothers.

My proposition: Destroy credit.

God forbid we have to start saving our money for shit. See you guys in Food City.

Ethanol vs. Mr. Fusion: The Great Debate

We're currently seven years from the year 2015, and I don't think I'm the only one who checks Popular Mechanics every month just to see if Mr. Fusion has been invented yet.

Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of ethanol. I think that deciding whether we want to eat our food or convert it into energy for our automobiles could actually become a healthy daily ethical debate.

"Daddy? I'm starving..."
"I know. But you've got a soccer game to win. Let's hop in the Hummer and kick some ass."

I also really like that none of the alternatives to fossil fuels includes an infinite resource like the sun or wind. It's genius. It's like someone said, "Yeah, those ideas are pretty good, but they're not evil enough. Let's all think of ways to charge people to drive their cars while simultaneously melting down the polar ice caps. We'll meet back here after lunch. Oh, and there's no corn in the cafeteria today."

Yeah. It's times like these that I wish I was a Republican. In the meantime, I think we need a biofuel that's a little less bio and a little more bi. Biproductfuel. Where's Doc Brown when we need him?