I don't know about you, but reality television shows seem to lose their novelty after one or two seasons.
Or one or two episodes if you've ever seen Jersey Shore.
Survivor, for example, was first described to me as Gilligan's Island meets Lord of the Flies. So imagine my surprise when I sat down with my bucket of popcorn and giant #1 foam finger and didn't see any of the carnage I was expecting. Basically, I watched The Real World in a jungle.
I think a change in the show's dynamics are past due. Here are a few suggestions to make the show more interesting:
1. Introduce a flesh eating virus to the cast.
2. Drop the cast off in the middle of Detroit.
3. Cast a zombie in the show without telling any of the others.
4. Give a fork and knife to the winner of contests instead of a hamburger and a thirty second head start to the losers.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Culture: Use Only When Convenient
I love people who have great-grandparents from Ireland and pretend that they're actually Irish.
Of course, when I say "love" I secretly mean these people are morons.
And now it's not a secret.
I've known a lot of these people. These are people who have been raised in America in an American culture with American parents and know nothing about world politics, but as soon as someone mentions a tiny European country that their great-great-grandmother's uncle's mistress was from they stand up and proudly say, "Hey! I'm a Mesopotamian!" Then an obscure holiday will be observed in America that honors that culture with excessive drinking while everyone from the country in question will be trying to figure out why Americans celebrate the day that grasshoppers were driven out of old-man->^><^>>'s grass hut.
I've always wondered that if you go to another country you would find that no one there celebrates their own culture because they like pretending they're from somewhere else, too. Eventually, we're bound to find a culture that pretends they're American.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time we embraced our culture. (Patriotic music playing) It's time we roll out our silver trailers and leave our hot rollers in our hair while we shop for sweaters for our cat-sized dogs. It's time we declare beer a fifth food group and legalize sex with family members. It's time to wake up and smell the Sunny Delight. It's time for us to move to Apache Junction.
Of course, when I say "love" I secretly mean these people are morons.
And now it's not a secret.
I've known a lot of these people. These are people who have been raised in America in an American culture with American parents and know nothing about world politics, but as soon as someone mentions a tiny European country that their great-great-grandmother's uncle's mistress was from they stand up and proudly say, "Hey! I'm a Mesopotamian!" Then an obscure holiday will be observed in America that honors that culture with excessive drinking while everyone from the country in question will be trying to figure out why Americans celebrate the day that grasshoppers were driven out of old-man->^><^>>'s grass hut.
I've always wondered that if you go to another country you would find that no one there celebrates their own culture because they like pretending they're from somewhere else, too. Eventually, we're bound to find a culture that pretends they're American.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time we embraced our culture. (Patriotic music playing) It's time we roll out our silver trailers and leave our hot rollers in our hair while we shop for sweaters for our cat-sized dogs. It's time we declare beer a fifth food group and legalize sex with family members. It's time to wake up and smell the Sunny Delight. It's time for us to move to Apache Junction.
Friday, May 21, 2010
There can be only one...
Sitting in my backyard and looking at all the wildlife (i.e. bees, a stray cat, and a dead beetle), I began thinking how truly strange it is that no other animal has learned to have a conversation with humans. Who wouldn’t like to sit down and discuss independent cinema with a caterpillar?
I was reading an article this morning about the discovery of a new type of human that appeared 2 million years ago called Homo gautengensis. What I find interesting is that scientists have been looking for a missing link for so long, but what they are finding more and more evidence of is a series of different kinds of humans that coexisted in history a few million years ago. These aren’t just different races but completely different variations of humans.
Once I began thinking about how interesting it would be to live among other types of humans, I eventually began to feel even more lonesome. The drawback to survival of the fittest is that in the end there can be only one… kind of like Highlander… or Mortal Kombat.
I was reading an article this morning about the discovery of a new type of human that appeared 2 million years ago called Homo gautengensis. What I find interesting is that scientists have been looking for a missing link for so long, but what they are finding more and more evidence of is a series of different kinds of humans that coexisted in history a few million years ago. These aren’t just different races but completely different variations of humans.
Once I began thinking about how interesting it would be to live among other types of humans, I eventually began to feel even more lonesome. The drawback to survival of the fittest is that in the end there can be only one… kind of like Highlander… or Mortal Kombat.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Facebook Friends: Almost as Real as MySpace Friends
After some people read some of my blogs they think I'm an asshole.
After this blog, everyone's going to think I'm an asshole.
When I first signed up with Facebook I thought it was the greatest thing since slavery (and this isn't even the part I think everyone's going to think I'm an asshole for). When I say 'the greatest thing since slavery', I really mean being able to keep everyone near you. See? It's a nice thing.
All I have to do to find out what all of my family and my friends are up to is log on to one website. No more phone calls, no more birthday cards, no more akward conversations... I can think of a retort to a comment for forty five minutes before I post it and I still manage what appears to be a quick wit.
Now, years later, I have a person who I went to grade school with trying to "befreind" me on Facebook. This leaves me with only one question: Do I really want to add one more person to my activity stream that I'm going to ignore every day?
My Facebook friends list has become somewhat exclusive these days. I don't really like adding people unless I trust them enough to be added. It's like getting to second base. If I like them enough, I'll lift up my shirt.
Some people may think it's nice to reconnect with the past, but I'm not one of those people. I like the present, and I occasionally consider the day robots enslave humanity in the future. I don't really care about what my friends from junior high are eating for dinner. And if this makes me a terrible person, then I suppose I can live with that. But maybe someday we'll all turn away from our computer screens, walk into our backyards, turn our eyes to a beautiful sunset, shed a tear and say to ourselves, "Is that a spaceship full of robots holding mind-control collars? This is truly a beautiful evening."
After this blog, everyone's going to think I'm an asshole.
When I first signed up with Facebook I thought it was the greatest thing since slavery (and this isn't even the part I think everyone's going to think I'm an asshole for). When I say 'the greatest thing since slavery', I really mean being able to keep everyone near you. See? It's a nice thing.
All I have to do to find out what all of my family and my friends are up to is log on to one website. No more phone calls, no more birthday cards, no more akward conversations... I can think of a retort to a comment for forty five minutes before I post it and I still manage what appears to be a quick wit.
Now, years later, I have a person who I went to grade school with trying to "befreind" me on Facebook. This leaves me with only one question: Do I really want to add one more person to my activity stream that I'm going to ignore every day?
My Facebook friends list has become somewhat exclusive these days. I don't really like adding people unless I trust them enough to be added. It's like getting to second base. If I like them enough, I'll lift up my shirt.
Some people may think it's nice to reconnect with the past, but I'm not one of those people. I like the present, and I occasionally consider the day robots enslave humanity in the future. I don't really care about what my friends from junior high are eating for dinner. And if this makes me a terrible person, then I suppose I can live with that. But maybe someday we'll all turn away from our computer screens, walk into our backyards, turn our eyes to a beautiful sunset, shed a tear and say to ourselves, "Is that a spaceship full of robots holding mind-control collars? This is truly a beautiful evening."
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sarah, Palin and Tall
Who the hell is this woman?
And why is she so popular?
She single handedly ruined John McCain's chances for president, wasted millions of dollars to build a bridge to nowhere in Alaska, encourages the far right to violently protest healcare overhaul, and very well could be the antichrist.
Actually, that last part makes sense. I would imagine that the antichrist would be hugely popular among conservative voters and kindergarteners.
I invite everyone, even my conservative readers, to really think for a moment. Is Sarah Palin really one of the best representatives this country can get? There are 300 million people in the U.S. and this absurd woman is considered to be one of the Republicans' best weapons against the Democrats? Sarah Palin is a good weapon for bringing about the end of days and low standards, that's about it.
Remember the days when we idolized teachers like Buddha, Jesus, and Ghandi? Wow... that takes me back...
The problem with the world is that we forgot what we've been taught about understanding and helping one another. We just hate and make fun of each other. Unfortunately, there are so many people that will believe anything they hear. We need to stop giving talk shows to these radicals that make people believe that bombing abortion clinics, beating homosexuals, and assassinating political figures is a step in the right direction for this country.
A good rule to live by is that if you haven't got all the facts, keep searching for the truth.
And why is she so popular?
She single handedly ruined John McCain's chances for president, wasted millions of dollars to build a bridge to nowhere in Alaska, encourages the far right to violently protest healcare overhaul, and very well could be the antichrist.
Actually, that last part makes sense. I would imagine that the antichrist would be hugely popular among conservative voters and kindergarteners.
I invite everyone, even my conservative readers, to really think for a moment. Is Sarah Palin really one of the best representatives this country can get? There are 300 million people in the U.S. and this absurd woman is considered to be one of the Republicans' best weapons against the Democrats? Sarah Palin is a good weapon for bringing about the end of days and low standards, that's about it.
Remember the days when we idolized teachers like Buddha, Jesus, and Ghandi? Wow... that takes me back...
The problem with the world is that we forgot what we've been taught about understanding and helping one another. We just hate and make fun of each other. Unfortunately, there are so many people that will believe anything they hear. We need to stop giving talk shows to these radicals that make people believe that bombing abortion clinics, beating homosexuals, and assassinating political figures is a step in the right direction for this country.
A good rule to live by is that if you haven't got all the facts, keep searching for the truth.
Tastes Like Purple
Ladies and gentlemen, our minds are being controlled. This has been happening since our birth and i can prove it.
I'm not talking about Glen Beck conservative talk shows. I'm not talking about subliminal advertising. I'm talking about grape soda.
Now we probably all take a drink of grape soda and after giving an overly dramatic, "Ahhhhh, that's the shit," we think, "Mmmmm. Grape."
But honestly, can you ever remember tasting a grape and saying, "Mmmmm. Grape soda"?
We say grape soda tastes like grape because we associate that flavor with every flavor that's ever been in anything that we're told tastest like grape. Did that last sentence confuse the bujesus out of you? Me too, but I rewrote it several times and that was the best one.
Grape soda isn't the only culprit. Anything orange, strawberry, watermelon, blueberry, etc. all have this effect. Now I know you're sitting there trying to defend this idea. "But it TOTALLY tastes like... wait, let me look at what the package is telling me to believe... kiwi seeweed!" And in response I say, "That's because we've been taught to believe that flavor is kiwi seeweed ever since we were old enough to read Snapple labels."
These may be my last words I write. The CIA just burst through my door... must... tell world... don't believe... shot... in face... can't... type at normal pace... tell my wife... out of milk...
I'm not talking about Glen Beck conservative talk shows. I'm not talking about subliminal advertising. I'm talking about grape soda.
Now we probably all take a drink of grape soda and after giving an overly dramatic, "Ahhhhh, that's the shit," we think, "Mmmmm. Grape."
But honestly, can you ever remember tasting a grape and saying, "Mmmmm. Grape soda"?
We say grape soda tastes like grape because we associate that flavor with every flavor that's ever been in anything that we're told tastest like grape. Did that last sentence confuse the bujesus out of you? Me too, but I rewrote it several times and that was the best one.
Grape soda isn't the only culprit. Anything orange, strawberry, watermelon, blueberry, etc. all have this effect. Now I know you're sitting there trying to defend this idea. "But it TOTALLY tastes like... wait, let me look at what the package is telling me to believe... kiwi seeweed!" And in response I say, "That's because we've been taught to believe that flavor is kiwi seeweed ever since we were old enough to read Snapple labels."
These may be my last words I write. The CIA just burst through my door... must... tell world... don't believe... shot... in face... can't... type at normal pace... tell my wife... out of milk...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
A Tribute to Loyal Customers
Why do people complain when something good becomes popular?
Allow me to put things in perspective for you.
Let's say I own my own cafe. Someone who comes in all the time tells me one day, "I love this place. That's why I don't want anyone else to know about it. I want to be able to come here forever without crowds of people to bother me. Unfortunately, that means that you'll have to struggle to pay for your bills, rent, supplies, employees, and you'll never have the life you probably wanted when you decided to open your own business. You'll be completely unsuccessful and have to work a second job just to pay for the first one, but at least you'll have assholes like me around all the time to kill your dreams. Anyways, I'll take my usual- the cheapest thing on the menu."
Allow me to put things in perspective for you.
Let's say I own my own cafe. Someone who comes in all the time tells me one day, "I love this place. That's why I don't want anyone else to know about it. I want to be able to come here forever without crowds of people to bother me. Unfortunately, that means that you'll have to struggle to pay for your bills, rent, supplies, employees, and you'll never have the life you probably wanted when you decided to open your own business. You'll be completely unsuccessful and have to work a second job just to pay for the first one, but at least you'll have assholes like me around all the time to kill your dreams. Anyways, I'll take my usual- the cheapest thing on the menu."
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