kim kardashian: who give a *$@#?

"win kim kardashian's cardigan!"

this was what myspace was announcing as i was signing in to see how the three fans of my music were doing today.

i wondered how many other people were reading that and gasping, "WHAT?!" texting, "OMG!" and rushing to the toilet with a feather down their throat to make themselves small enough to fit into it.

every time i'm checking out at the grocery store i see magazine covers that let me know that couples i've never heard of are breaking up. television stars i've never seen are having children. and the sexiest man alive is no longer roger moore.

who are these people? i can't even keep track of the six friends i have.

do these publications exist because so many of us love celebrities or hate them? and if it's hate, does that hate come from jealousy? why do we pay so much attention to who is adopting african children and not pay attention to why african children have to be adopted in the first place?

well let me tell you why.

it has been kept a secret for thousands of years by numerous secret societies. african children are not being adpoted by celebrities. they are being harvested. it is believed that african children taste just like strawberry pop tarts.

but i digress.

my point is this: if you're a celebrity and your life is coming between me and a snickers bar at the impulse section of the grocery store, do something incredible with your money and fame so that your name shows up on a list of pulitzer prize nominations instead of us weekly.

then make sure you recommend me for the peace i've brought the human race with robiotic.blogspot.com.

The Future: Deal With It

So there you are: Sitting on your couch watching someone’s fifteen minutes of fame run out on national television thinking about your friend Dave and the phone rings.

“Oh my (slandered deity’s name)!” You say into the phone. “Dave! I totally knew you it was you before I picked up!”

“That’s because you have caller ID, you idiot,” Dave responds, his wit as quick as ever.

“No, I mean before you called,” you clarify.

And then it adds up: the phone call, the dream about the homeless man, your last rock/paper/scissors match with your nephew… you’re freakin’ psychic!!!

You begin reading books written by people who have absolutely no scientific credibility so that you can improve your newfound skills. You spend the evenings trying to bend silverware with your mind. You now wear white robes to work and refer to yourself in the third person. Instead of on television, you now watch the news in a bowl of water- tomorrow’s news.

You get your own television show for a season and a half, write three books that get progressively worse reviews, lose all of your family to a drinking problem, and are eventually burned at the stake as a heretic.

I believe that people have fleeting moments of deep understanding and revelations. However, I disagree that it’s something that can be improved. Many people think that these moments can be exercised and practiced so that they can save people from collapsing bridges, tsunamis, and Roland Emmerich movies.

I believe it’s impossible. We will lose people to Roland Emmerich’s movies for centuries to come. All we can do is pray.

I was watching a flock of birds the other evening. It was massive. It was dinnertime at the canal. I watched the way they shifted and obeyed with precision even a robotic Stephen Hawking couldn’t replicate.

In that moment I realized that at one time we probably could all read each other. We probably did know what our friends were about to do or think. Unfortunately, we’re so far removed from the natural world at this point in our history that we’ve lost that sense. In the next few thousand years we’ll probably lose more.

Being inside too much as a kid is the new theory as to why so many of us have such bad eyesight. It’s all becoming clear. Soon we’ll all just be sickly, pale, obese worms that pulsate from our computers to beds and bathrooms in our bleak, grey tunnels. None of us will even remember how to make noises with our mouths to communicate. Need for our sense of smell and hearing will be gone, but we’ll still have two tiny eyes with which to see our screens. We’ll live to an average thirty-two years and die of an intestinal blockage. Meanwhile, the human race will be so emotionally and consciously neutered that no one will notice that all of the other animals built spaceships and colonized Venus two thousand years ago.

Enjoy 2010... while you still have fingers.

hollywood vampires: an inaccurate representation

i haven't seen new moon. i don't plan on it either. i saw twilight only because it was the only thing happening on a twelve hour flight.

but why aren't you going to see new moon? you ask.

it's an amazing piece of hollywood art. you say.

it's dangerous. that's why i'm not going to see it. i'm boycotting a cancer on our civilization.

poor acting, writing, production, special effects, and directing aside... movies like new moon are teching our children that befriending vampires and werewolves is okay. but you know what? it's not okay. here's a true story of something that happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

so one night a young man is walking down the street... let's call him edgar. edgar encounters a bat. his first instinct is to run in fear like every red blooded american should. but instead edgar thinks this is one of those cool hollywood vampire bats. so edgar tries to give it a high five. the bat narrowly avoids the high five which all bats see as a threat, grabs edgar by the face, and carries him away to it's castle up the mountains of scottsdale.

now i know what you're thinking. don't all vampires as well as all other evil creatures live in scottsdale? wasn't that just a redundant piece of information? and the answer is yes. i apologize for treating you like an idiot.

we haven't heard from edgar in six months. however, we've heard from his corpse. it was dropped on my friend's doorstep completely drained of blood with a note that read, "this was not the work of vampires. clearly you can see that this is a hate crime. please do not tell anyone this was the act of vampires. that would just be silly. please watch more movies that make vampires look less harmless than we, i mean they, really are."

Turkey VS Tofurker: The Epic Battle Continues

I'm not going to sugar-coat it. I find myself thoroughly annoyed by vegans.

Vegetarians, however, are cool with me. When I come across a gang of vegetarians I say, "Hey guys, let me get you some comfortable seats to sit on so we can play some Wii bowling. Can I get you a hot dog? I'm just kidding. Aaaahhhh you guys are great."

But I can smell a vegan from one hundred feet away. Actually, most people can smell a vegan from five hundred feet away. They the hygeine practice of yaks.

They... even when I refer to them as a pronoun I shiver.

Anyone who goes out of their way to avoid anything that has to do with animals is bound for hypocricy. Animals have to do with too many aspects of our lives. The argument of most vegans I meet is that they "want animals to be freed from slavery, man!"

But what vegans don't know is that they're enslaving animals everyday. DEAD ANIMALS. Come on vegans! Don't pretend like you don't know!

I'm talking about fossil fuels.

And don't EVEN get me started on bacteria.

... I'm sorry... I'm just... I'm just too upset to write anymore today...

Life: Best if Used Before Printed Date

Everyone is talking about healthcare reform. So much, in fact, that I've decided to name my first child Healthcare Reform Jones.

You have people who are freaking out about the possibility of socialized healthcare (despite the fact that the socialized police department, fire department, library, and school all work just fine), and so we have these two options we've been hearing a lot about including a government option and a cooperative option.

However, the one most obvious problem that I don't hear anyone addressing is the problem with overpriced pharmaceuticals that people who don't have insurance can't afford. Those of us that do have insurance have it only so we can afford things like once-a-day Valtrex so that we can do things like practice yoga on the beach and grow sunflowews in our backyards in slow motion like the commercials say we can once our quality of life had improved.

Does anyone see who the real villains are here? Insurance companies enable pharmaceutical companies, and pharmaceutical companies prey on our insecurities and imperfections. But who preys on pharmaceutical companies? Who really wants us to live "happier lives"? Who's really advertising to us on these commemrcials?

That's right.

Yoga instructors and sunflower sales people.

Death: Happily Ever After

I did something the other day that I rarely do.

I watched live television.

It was the first time in months that I wasn't able to skip through the commercials on my DVR. While enduring the various advertisements, I couldn't help but notice the absurd amount of commercials for pharmaceuticals. Over two commercial breaks I saw advertised medication for six different conditions including depression, allergies, high blood pressure, and hair loss. I thought to myself, "The money that pharmaceutical companies are making must be astronomical... but they could be even more astronomical if they advertised medication to prevent death."

It's not that the medication would really even have to do its job. Most medication is a trade-off anyways. You get medication for erectile dysfunction, but now you have high blood pressure, diabetes, and your eyes and your testicles have switched places. It's all a matter of priorities I suppose.

The advertising would be simple. The commercial shows extremely old people doing things they shouldn't be, like contact sports or making love on a beach. Then the smokey-voiced announcer just mentions one of the side effects may include death. People will think to themselves, "I'd say that's a reasonable risk," once they see how much fun people are having in potential immortality.

I should also mention that I've just had the name "Immortalis" copyrighted.

Scorpius Erectus

It’s a question I’ve recently been asking myself. I don’t usually kill bugs when I find them in my house. I’ll take them outside, and give them a second chance to notice my “no trespassing” sign. “Next time”, I tell them, “I’m calling the cops.”

Scorpions, however, have no business in my home. And it’s not like I haven’t warned them. I let several go when I first moved in, and I sent them away with pamphlets entitled “So You’ve Decided to Disrespect Other People’s Property” to disburse among their nation.

Now I need to set examples.

Smashing them into my walls seemed to have worked for a while. Now I’ve become bored and annoyed with the inevitable clean up. My cats don’t go after them anymore either. They tell me their union contracts don’t cover scorpions: only moths and lizards.

So I’ve got a new plan.

I printed up a flyer for a scorpions only singles party at my house this Saturday night, And when they all show up, I’m locking them in my living room, turning on the television, and subjecting them to Pearl Harbor. That’s right. You want in? Suck on Pearl Harbor!!!

Yeah, I know. Stupidest blog ever. Shut up.