You Can't Spell Halloween without an H and an O

Halloween is fast approaching, which means so are the myriad slutty costumes.

So far I've seen costumes for Slutty Alices in Wonderland, Slutty Bumblebees, Slutty Stockbrokers, and Slutty Sluts.

I guess you could say that I'm a grassroots Halloween activist. I like costumes that scare people. Some of you think I host these zombie walks every year because I think they're fun, but you're as mistaken as talent at an Adam Lambert concert. My zombie walks are a consistent disappointment every single year because real zombies never show up!

Slutty Butterflies and Slutty Mail Carriers have "slutty zombie victim" written all over their bodies.

And I have "please don't eat me I'm the one who sent you the invitation" written all over mine.

Things I Wish I Had Said, Part One

As I sat enjoying my lunch with my bitter coworkers, a complaint came up.

“Why are the students required to watch Obama’s address on television? That’s so stupid. You know that if this was a Republican president the kids wouldn’t be required to watch this address.” This comment was followed by chuckling, the adjustment of monocles, a few online trades of oil company stock, and the extinction of several endangered species.

In retrospect, I should have told them the truth. They were right. If our president was Republican, the children wouldn’t have to watch his address. This is because children are afraid of Republicans, and we try to foster a safe environment in the schools. The only Republican I can think of that children don’t fear is Count Chocula, and he only makes an appearance around Halloween.

I understand these are trying times. I understand that we are a nation divided. But one of these days, I’m confident that children and adults alike, Democrat or Republican, Christian or Muslim, Mexican or American, will be able to enjoy Count Chocula together in harmony.

Evolution is for Babies

Bear with me for a second.

The ancient Sumerian story of Nibiru is similar to the story of Stargate. An alien race enslaves humans, they rebel, and the alien race flees. This is a nutshell version of both of these stories as well as most of the relationships I've been in.

The Mayans designed their calendar to not only show years but complete galaxy rotations.

Then I got thinking. Even though I'm in the camp of people who think Apocalypse 2012 is a joke, I couldn't help but wonder if the Mayan belief of a galaxy rotation was actually based on the return cycle of Nibiru.

And then it hit me. Here I am preparing myself for monsoon season when I should be preparing myself for the enslavement of humanity.

Sure I keep bottled water, canned goods, and plutonium around the house like everyone else. But what would happen if something simple yet significant were taken from us? If electricity were somehow removed from civilization we'd all be screwed. Raise your hand if you know how to hunt and forage. Now, those of you that THINK you know how to hunt and forage but have never done it put your hands down.

Here's what I'm really getting at: In the last hundred years, in the blink of an eye in the history of humans, we've forgotten how to do all the things that have allowed us to evolve to the top of the food chain.

"So what's the solution?" you ask. "Should we all take survival courses? Should we invest in alternative energy sources? Should we stock up on Capri Sun?"

And to your suggestions I laugh. Condescendingly.

With just a few good years left before civilization collapses, I propose we do all of these things. We should definitely invest in alternative energy... to power giant robots that will get all of our food for us and protect us from alien races. We will enroll them in survival courses and reward their efforts with Capri Sun. While the alien race/giant robot battle rages on outside, we can take comfort in knowing that our ethanol-powered I-pods just finished downloading the entire second season of The Real Housewives of Alpha Centauri.

Survivor: Oakland

I don't know about you, but reality television shows seem to lose their novelty after one or two seasons.

Or one or two episodes if you've ever seen Jersey Shore.

Survivor, for example, was first described to me as Gilligan's Island meets Lord of the Flies. So imagine my surprise when I sat down with my bucket of popcorn and giant #1 foam finger and didn't see any of the carnage I was expecting. Basically, I watched The Real World in a jungle.

I think a change in the show's dynamics are past due. Here are a few suggestions to make the show more interesting:

1. Introduce a flesh eating virus to the cast.
2. Drop the cast off in the middle of Detroit.
3. Cast a zombie in the show without telling any of the others.
4. Give a fork and knife to the winner of contests instead of a hamburger and a thirty second head start to the losers.

Culture: Use Only When Convenient

I love people who have great-grandparents from Ireland and pretend that they're actually Irish.

Of course, when I say "love" I secretly mean these people are morons.

And now it's not a secret.

I've known a lot of these people. These are people who have been raised in America in an American culture with American parents and know nothing about world politics, but as soon as someone mentions a tiny European country that their great-great-grandmother's uncle's mistress was from they stand up and proudly say, "Hey! I'm a Mesopotamian!" Then an obscure holiday will be observed in America that honors that culture with excessive drinking while everyone from the country in question will be trying to figure out why Americans celebrate the day that grasshoppers were driven out of old-man->^><^>>'s grass hut.

I've always wondered that if you go to another country you would find that no one there celebrates their own culture because they like pretending they're from somewhere else, too. Eventually, we're bound to find a culture that pretends they're American.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time we embraced our culture. (Patriotic music playing) It's time we roll out our silver trailers and leave our hot rollers in our hair while we shop for sweaters for our cat-sized dogs. It's time we declare beer a fifth food group and legalize sex with family members. It's time to wake up and smell the Sunny Delight. It's time for us to move to Apache Junction.

There can be only one...

Sitting in my backyard and looking at all the wildlife (i.e. bees, a stray cat, and a dead beetle), I began thinking how truly strange it is that no other animal has learned to have a conversation with humans. Who wouldn’t like to sit down and discuss independent cinema with a caterpillar?

I was reading an article this morning about the discovery of a new type of human that appeared 2 million years ago called Homo gautengensis. What I find interesting is that scientists have been looking for a missing link for so long, but what they are finding more and more evidence of is a series of different kinds of humans that coexisted in history a few million years ago. These aren’t just different races but completely different variations of humans.

Once I began thinking about how interesting it would be to live among other types of humans, I eventually began to feel even more lonesome. The drawback to survival of the fittest is that in the end there can be only one… kind of like Highlander… or Mortal Kombat.

Facebook Friends: Almost as Real as MySpace Friends

After some people read some of my blogs they think I'm an asshole.

After this blog, everyone's going to think I'm an asshole.

When I first signed up with Facebook I thought it was the greatest thing since slavery (and this isn't even the part I think everyone's going to think I'm an asshole for). When I say 'the greatest thing since slavery', I really mean being able to keep everyone near you. See? It's a nice thing.

All I have to do to find out what all of my family and my friends are up to is log on to one website. No more phone calls, no more birthday cards, no more akward conversations... I can think of a retort to a comment for forty five minutes before I post it and I still manage what appears to be a quick wit.

Now, years later, I have a person who I went to grade school with trying to "befreind" me on Facebook. This leaves me with only one question: Do I really want to add one more person to my activity stream that I'm going to ignore every day?

My Facebook friends list has become somewhat exclusive these days. I don't really like adding people unless I trust them enough to be added. It's like getting to second base. If I like them enough, I'll lift up my shirt.

Some people may think it's nice to reconnect with the past, but I'm not one of those people. I like the present, and I occasionally consider the day robots enslave humanity in the future. I don't really care about what my friends from junior high are eating for dinner. And if this makes me a terrible person, then I suppose I can live with that. But maybe someday we'll all turn away from our computer screens, walk into our backyards, turn our eyes to a beautiful sunset, shed a tear and say to ourselves, "Is that a spaceship full of robots holding mind-control collars? This is truly a beautiful evening."