It was hard to not like Nirvana in the nineties.
They wore torn clothing, yelled, destroyed their instruments, and did everything that hair rock didn't.
Oh wait, that was EVERY NEW WAVE BAND THAT CAME OUT IN THE LATE EIGHTIES.
Don't get me wrong, I really used to like Nirvana. But it's hard to continue to like Nirvana when every music magazine and every rock countdown special puts them on a pedestal like they cured cancer.
"They did, Phil. They cured the cancer... that was pop music."
No they didn't! They just made a pre-existing genre of music more accessible.
"That may be. But by popularizing that sound, they inspired other bands to do the same!"
Like which bands? The Spin Doctors? Third Eye Blind? Yeah, that's a regular revolution. My God! What would we do without such musical geniuses as Third Eye Blind?!
Here's the problem. 'Nevermind' came out in 1991. Before 1991, hair rock and pop music dominated the music market. After 1991, it was alternative rock. Therefore, Nirvana must have singlehandedly changed the face of rock music for the entire decade. Someone must have come from the future in a phone booth to help them save the world.
So what about those albums that Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Primus, Temple of the Dog, and Red Hot Chili Peppers released that same year? Or the Fugazi album the year before that? Don't think about them. I'm sure they had nothing to do with shaping 90's rock. Shh. Ssssshhhhhhhhhh. Those bands can't hurt you. Nirvana's here to protect you.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Social Retards
How do we pinpoint what's wrong with our society? Lately, hoodies seem to be taking most of the blame. Next week it will be toothpaste.
I think it can be boiled down to one thing: Miseducation (not to be confused with Miss Education. Although Miss Education blew her acceptance speech and didn't do so well in the bathing suit competition, I think we can all agree that Miss Education is doing her best with what she has - a big ass and a big heart.)
I think that in our country it's easier to blame anything other than our own ignorance, which is probably why the US has the largest population of lawyers in the world.
Even now, I caught myself going into a two paragraph tirade about hippies before I deleted it. I'll admit, blaming is a little fun; especially when it's the hippies. Or the Jews. But I digress.
I really don't think Americans are going to start educating themselves anytime soon, so I've come up with another solution. Rather than continue to blame our problems on everyone else, I'm erecting a statue in every town square across the country of a man named "Blame McBlamington". This way, everytime someone wants to blame someone for their failing business, broken condom, or obesity, they can blame Blame McBlamington.
Defenseless black hoodies will rejoice and dance in circles with their hands joined. Peace will break out in every country for approximately 41 years... until we start blaming the Jews for the great statue uprising.
I think it can be boiled down to one thing: Miseducation (not to be confused with Miss Education. Although Miss Education blew her acceptance speech and didn't do so well in the bathing suit competition, I think we can all agree that Miss Education is doing her best with what she has - a big ass and a big heart.)
I think that in our country it's easier to blame anything other than our own ignorance, which is probably why the US has the largest population of lawyers in the world.
Even now, I caught myself going into a two paragraph tirade about hippies before I deleted it. I'll admit, blaming is a little fun; especially when it's the hippies. Or the Jews. But I digress.
I really don't think Americans are going to start educating themselves anytime soon, so I've come up with another solution. Rather than continue to blame our problems on everyone else, I'm erecting a statue in every town square across the country of a man named "Blame McBlamington". This way, everytime someone wants to blame someone for their failing business, broken condom, or obesity, they can blame Blame McBlamington.
Defenseless black hoodies will rejoice and dance in circles with their hands joined. Peace will break out in every country for approximately 41 years... until we start blaming the Jews for the great statue uprising.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Out-Sorcerer
If you're not blaming the government for all of your problems, then you're not cool.
And apparently if you blame them enough, they give you money.
I liken the mentality in our country to that of a 30 year-old man still living with his enabling parents.
"Josh, honey, I'm sorry to bother you while you're watching Divorce Court. I know you've been very stressed out about the Broncos losing their last game, but did you happen to find a new job or an apartment today?"
"No."
"Okay, dear. Well, maybe next month. Do you need anything?"
"You to remove yourself from the television viewing area."
"Right away. Do you need to borrow any money for your Child Support payment?"
A lot of people in our country blame the government as if they expect them to be able to turn on a light switch and make all of our financial problems disappear. But we already have one of those switches. It's called the lottery.
In my opinion, the economy isn't getting better for two reasons. The first reason is that our economy is too interlocked with other world economies to simply improve independently. And the second reason is that nothing is made in America anymore. Jobs could easily be created in this country, but that means we need to stop buying cheap crap from China.
If everyone starting buying American-made products, the demand for local goods would rise and companies would need to hire to meet consumer demand. Now the only tricky part about that is that the company in question would have to also hire American workers rather than outsource their work to China like Apple. Those little "Made in America" tags and stickers typically clear up those mysteries.
There's only one problem with this. People don't want to stop buying Chinese products because they like the idea of people stripped of their human rights working 18 hours a day in an unventilated factory for 16 cents a day.
We think it's easier on the conscience when we buy a spatula but don't have to see how it's made. It doesn't take an accountant to figure out why it only cost $1.
What I'm getting at is that we don't need the government to kiss our knee every time we scrape it. Business responds to demand, and businesses run the world. At the heart of it all, it's up to us how business is done. We don't need ot take the power back. We've always had it.
And apparently if you blame them enough, they give you money.
I liken the mentality in our country to that of a 30 year-old man still living with his enabling parents.
"Josh, honey, I'm sorry to bother you while you're watching Divorce Court. I know you've been very stressed out about the Broncos losing their last game, but did you happen to find a new job or an apartment today?"
"No."
"Okay, dear. Well, maybe next month. Do you need anything?"
"You to remove yourself from the television viewing area."
"Right away. Do you need to borrow any money for your Child Support payment?"
A lot of people in our country blame the government as if they expect them to be able to turn on a light switch and make all of our financial problems disappear. But we already have one of those switches. It's called the lottery.
In my opinion, the economy isn't getting better for two reasons. The first reason is that our economy is too interlocked with other world economies to simply improve independently. And the second reason is that nothing is made in America anymore. Jobs could easily be created in this country, but that means we need to stop buying cheap crap from China.
If everyone starting buying American-made products, the demand for local goods would rise and companies would need to hire to meet consumer demand. Now the only tricky part about that is that the company in question would have to also hire American workers rather than outsource their work to China like Apple. Those little "Made in America" tags and stickers typically clear up those mysteries.
There's only one problem with this. People don't want to stop buying Chinese products because they like the idea of people stripped of their human rights working 18 hours a day in an unventilated factory for 16 cents a day.
We think it's easier on the conscience when we buy a spatula but don't have to see how it's made. It doesn't take an accountant to figure out why it only cost $1.
What I'm getting at is that we don't need the government to kiss our knee every time we scrape it. Business responds to demand, and businesses run the world. At the heart of it all, it's up to us how business is done. We don't need ot take the power back. We've always had it.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Douche Bags and Venti Lattes
Well, they finally did it. They shut down my favorite place in the entire universe.
The Scottsdale Drive-In.
It was, incidentally, also the only thing in Scottsdale that I loved and/or respected.
The drive-in is the absolute best way to watch movies. We'd sneak in pizza, soda, bouncing castles, and the occasional endangered species.
I read about why the drive-in shut down. Since they didn't make money off of the movies, they had to make up for it with their concessions. And they didn't. That's when I realized that the drive-in shut down because of me.
It was really kind of a humbling experience. You see, I learned something about myself today. I learned that the movie industry is full of money hungry vultures and douche bags. I guess that's not really about me at all. I mean, I kind of learned that I should support the places I love instead of going there for the atmosphere. In the end, I suppose I'm the real vulture douche bag.
Sadly, it took something I love being taken away from me to realize that. Did your eyes get a little watery there? Neither did mine. I suppose it's difficult to mine for emotions when you're writing from a Starbucks.
Seriously though, Starbucks is an attractive succubus.
As I sit here enjoying the free Wi-Fi to compliment my cold glass of free water (I didn't even have to use my gift card!), I've realized that's it's all about independently owned businesses. The bigger we let these big companies get, the fewer cool places we'll have to go to. The truth is big companies are the reasons all of our jobs are going to China and India. And we all complain about it like we don't have a choice, but we're the ones who are financing these companies every time we buy something from them.
Small companies and little shops make me realize that any one of us can do the same thing. Big companies make me feel like a slave who does what he's told. The American dream isn't getting the cheapest price at Wal-Mart. I'd like to believe that the American dream is about finding your niche, doing what you love, and establishing yourself as a creator rather than a consumer. It's about becoming an individual who thinks for themselves and buys popcorn from the local drive-in.
The Scottsdale Drive-In.
It was, incidentally, also the only thing in Scottsdale that I loved and/or respected.
The drive-in is the absolute best way to watch movies. We'd sneak in pizza, soda, bouncing castles, and the occasional endangered species.
I read about why the drive-in shut down. Since they didn't make money off of the movies, they had to make up for it with their concessions. And they didn't. That's when I realized that the drive-in shut down because of me.
It was really kind of a humbling experience. You see, I learned something about myself today. I learned that the movie industry is full of money hungry vultures and douche bags. I guess that's not really about me at all. I mean, I kind of learned that I should support the places I love instead of going there for the atmosphere. In the end, I suppose I'm the real vulture douche bag.
Sadly, it took something I love being taken away from me to realize that. Did your eyes get a little watery there? Neither did mine. I suppose it's difficult to mine for emotions when you're writing from a Starbucks.
Seriously though, Starbucks is an attractive succubus.
As I sit here enjoying the free Wi-Fi to compliment my cold glass of free water (I didn't even have to use my gift card!), I've realized that's it's all about independently owned businesses. The bigger we let these big companies get, the fewer cool places we'll have to go to. The truth is big companies are the reasons all of our jobs are going to China and India. And we all complain about it like we don't have a choice, but we're the ones who are financing these companies every time we buy something from them.
Small companies and little shops make me realize that any one of us can do the same thing. Big companies make me feel like a slave who does what he's told. The American dream isn't getting the cheapest price at Wal-Mart. I'd like to believe that the American dream is about finding your niche, doing what you love, and establishing yourself as a creator rather than a consumer. It's about becoming an individual who thinks for themselves and buys popcorn from the local drive-in.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The iPad 3
The Ghost of Christmas Future is about ready to knock down my front door with a barrage of television ads and gingerbread lattes. And he'll knock louder and louder as the days go by.
There will be traffic accidents, screaming customers, fist fights, road rage, credit card debt, layaway plans, obligations to buy gifts for people at the office, and then suddenly... there will be an awed hush on Christmas day.
Stores will be closed. Parking lots will be empty. Schools will be abandonded. Streets will only be trickling with a few randomly distributed cars as they make their way home. Smoke will rise from chimneys. The smell of fresh baked ham will permeate neighborhood streets. And for a few hours the animals will contemplate taking back the cities as their own land.
Then the next day there will be traffic accidents, screaming customers, fist fights, road rage, credit card declines, gift card declines, returns, regifting the things we got from people at the office, and then suddenly... we'll make some new year's resolutions to be better people.
And we do all of this because of one day out of the year.
Christmas, like the iPhone, is just another example of how controllable we humans are by the power of suggestion. I'm actually quite certain that if the devil were to come to Earth he would manifest himself in the form an iPad 3.
I've known some pretty cool Jehova's Witnesses who really opened my eyes. They told me they give gifts to each other on random days just for the hell of it. And I said to them, " Wait... you give gifts out of appreciation instead of obligation? What kind of fucked up religion is that?"
There's no law that states we will have our citizenship revoked if we celebrate Christmas on another day. We celebrate on December 25th because everyone else does it. We just do it because retailers tell us we should. God forbid we buy gifts for our friends and family any other day of the year. Jesus might come down from heaven, ripping his clothes off of his body in an Incredible-Hulk-like display of rage, and throw down the script he had written entitled "Earth!" to show us where we fucked up our lines.
That would never happen, of course. Christmas isn't about Jesus.
There will be traffic accidents, screaming customers, fist fights, road rage, credit card debt, layaway plans, obligations to buy gifts for people at the office, and then suddenly... there will be an awed hush on Christmas day.
Stores will be closed. Parking lots will be empty. Schools will be abandonded. Streets will only be trickling with a few randomly distributed cars as they make their way home. Smoke will rise from chimneys. The smell of fresh baked ham will permeate neighborhood streets. And for a few hours the animals will contemplate taking back the cities as their own land.
Then the next day there will be traffic accidents, screaming customers, fist fights, road rage, credit card declines, gift card declines, returns, regifting the things we got from people at the office, and then suddenly... we'll make some new year's resolutions to be better people.
And we do all of this because of one day out of the year.
Christmas, like the iPhone, is just another example of how controllable we humans are by the power of suggestion. I'm actually quite certain that if the devil were to come to Earth he would manifest himself in the form an iPad 3.
I've known some pretty cool Jehova's Witnesses who really opened my eyes. They told me they give gifts to each other on random days just for the hell of it. And I said to them, " Wait... you give gifts out of appreciation instead of obligation? What kind of fucked up religion is that?"
There's no law that states we will have our citizenship revoked if we celebrate Christmas on another day. We celebrate on December 25th because everyone else does it. We just do it because retailers tell us we should. God forbid we buy gifts for our friends and family any other day of the year. Jesus might come down from heaven, ripping his clothes off of his body in an Incredible-Hulk-like display of rage, and throw down the script he had written entitled "Earth!" to show us where we fucked up our lines.
That would never happen, of course. Christmas isn't about Jesus.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Humans are the Bees' Knees
We humans think we're pretty impressive.
We've sent men to the moon, split atoms, and created jelly beans that taste just like fingernails.
We feel pretty confident that if an alien race were to visit Earth we would be the first living thing they would want to make contact with. But what if as soon as the hatch of their flying saucers opened up, our people ran to the alien creatures to barrage them with questions and Mexican blankets only to be silenced?
"Hey, we appreciate the warm welcome, humans, but we're actually here for the honey badgers."
We tend to think we're the most advanced and intelligent lifeform on this planet, but it's on a human scale. I'm sure every lifeform thinks it's the most important one. Sure, we were probably all awe struck when the first airplane took flight, but I'm pretty sure the other millions of other lifeforms on the planet didn't notice (except for the migrating geese that found it more of an annoyance). To me, that represents complete and utter insignificance.
Let's imagine for a moment that a bee wasted its valuable time learning English and was able to have a discussion with a human.
Bee: "What'd you do today?"
Human: "Well, I drove my polluting Lexus to work where I then made sales calls from my iPhone 4 to people who probably don't really need to have what I'm selling. Then they bought it with the money they made from their job because they feel they need to spend money on possessions that will clutter their house until they die. Then their family will throw it all away or sell to someone else and the cycle will repeat itself. What did you do today?"
Bee: "I left my colony, in which we all do equal parts and don't pay a dime, to fly around the air all day and stop to suckle nectar from the occasional flower and spread pollen in order to pollinate other plants in the area. Then I made honey and slept like a baby that had slipped into a bee-sting-induced coma."
Human: "Are you accepting applications?"
Bee: "I'm afraid we're looking for someone with a different skill set."
We've sent men to the moon, split atoms, and created jelly beans that taste just like fingernails.
We feel pretty confident that if an alien race were to visit Earth we would be the first living thing they would want to make contact with. But what if as soon as the hatch of their flying saucers opened up, our people ran to the alien creatures to barrage them with questions and Mexican blankets only to be silenced?
"Hey, we appreciate the warm welcome, humans, but we're actually here for the honey badgers."
We tend to think we're the most advanced and intelligent lifeform on this planet, but it's on a human scale. I'm sure every lifeform thinks it's the most important one. Sure, we were probably all awe struck when the first airplane took flight, but I'm pretty sure the other millions of other lifeforms on the planet didn't notice (except for the migrating geese that found it more of an annoyance). To me, that represents complete and utter insignificance.
Let's imagine for a moment that a bee wasted its valuable time learning English and was able to have a discussion with a human.
Bee: "What'd you do today?"
Human: "Well, I drove my polluting Lexus to work where I then made sales calls from my iPhone 4 to people who probably don't really need to have what I'm selling. Then they bought it with the money they made from their job because they feel they need to spend money on possessions that will clutter their house until they die. Then their family will throw it all away or sell to someone else and the cycle will repeat itself. What did you do today?"
Bee: "I left my colony, in which we all do equal parts and don't pay a dime, to fly around the air all day and stop to suckle nectar from the occasional flower and spread pollen in order to pollinate other plants in the area. Then I made honey and slept like a baby that had slipped into a bee-sting-induced coma."
Human: "Are you accepting applications?"
Bee: "I'm afraid we're looking for someone with a different skill set."
Monday, November 7, 2011
'Tis the Season
I don't know about you people (and I'm not saying that because all of my readers are black), but I'm getting a little tired of having Christmas thrust in my face like a stripper's money-hungry, pine-scented crotch the day after Halloween.
We're now celebrating Christmas for a full two months before its calendar date. That's one sixth of the year that is devoted to Christmas. During the Christmas season, I'll get two oil changes.
I predict that twenty years from now the Christmas season will begin immediately following Labor Day.
Christmas is by far the most greed-fueled holiday in the entire Milky Way galaxy. When I think about Jesus and the things he taught us, I don't remember the part about punching someone in the spleen in order to get the last Call of Duty game. It's ironic that we celebrate the birth of someone who taught us about love, compassion, sacrifice, and forgiveness this way.
I'm not even a religious man, but I know hypocrisy when I see it. That's why I'm proposing a new set of rules for how Christmas is to be celebrated.
1. Instead of presents, we will exchange children for the day and force them to act out scenes from 'Total Recall'.
2. Instead of cutting down trees to put in our living rooms, we'll hang up pictures of Katy Perry made entirely of macaroni.
3. Instead of Christmas music, we'll only be able to listen to recordings of great political debates reenacted by Patrick Stewart and Oscar the Grouch.
4. Instead of putting lights on our houses, we'll stick catnip in our pants.
5. And instead of kissing someone every time we step beneath mistletoe, we'll cover ourselves in chicken broth every time someone says the word 'cynicism'.
We're now celebrating Christmas for a full two months before its calendar date. That's one sixth of the year that is devoted to Christmas. During the Christmas season, I'll get two oil changes.
I predict that twenty years from now the Christmas season will begin immediately following Labor Day.
Christmas is by far the most greed-fueled holiday in the entire Milky Way galaxy. When I think about Jesus and the things he taught us, I don't remember the part about punching someone in the spleen in order to get the last Call of Duty game. It's ironic that we celebrate the birth of someone who taught us about love, compassion, sacrifice, and forgiveness this way.
I'm not even a religious man, but I know hypocrisy when I see it. That's why I'm proposing a new set of rules for how Christmas is to be celebrated.
1. Instead of presents, we will exchange children for the day and force them to act out scenes from 'Total Recall'.
2. Instead of cutting down trees to put in our living rooms, we'll hang up pictures of Katy Perry made entirely of macaroni.
3. Instead of Christmas music, we'll only be able to listen to recordings of great political debates reenacted by Patrick Stewart and Oscar the Grouch.
4. Instead of putting lights on our houses, we'll stick catnip in our pants.
5. And instead of kissing someone every time we step beneath mistletoe, we'll cover ourselves in chicken broth every time someone says the word 'cynicism'.
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