Consequences of our Actions

I stood on a street corner, regretting my decision to wear all black in August. With my stop sign in one hand, I waited for my students to cross the road while I stared at the defining line between the concrete of the sidewalk and the asphalt of the street.

In that moment, that line represented freedom and slavery.

I looked back at the school, then I looked back to the tree lined streets of emancipation. What would the risk be versus the reward? No paycheck, no insurance, and eventually no house and no car. I would have to forage for my food, and I would have to move into the Canadian wilderness for shelter and fresh water. Ultimately, there is only one question left to ask myself. Which choice will kill me first?

I decided the answer was ‘work’.

So I tossed my stop sign and my teacher badge down to the ground, punched a guy driving by at that moment on a motorcycle, and took his bike home to grab a few necessities before leaving the work life forever. In a backpack I gathered a Swiss Army knife, a lighter, and some Batman comics. But when I got to the door to walk away forever I found I couldn’t turn the knob.

I was still standing on the corner with my stop sign.

At that moment that stop sign seemed so ominous and foreboding. There was absolutely no physical presence stopping me from walking away, yet I couldn’t move. I couldn’t figure out what was stopping me. Children stared at each other as I cursed my immobile legs. Maybe if I had a Segway I wouldn’t be having this problem.

I wondered how many other people dealt with this same dilemma every day. I wondered if there was a medical condition for it. I wondered if television or the internet had me brainwashed into thinking I was a small link in an eternal chain of social responsibility.

And in a horrible epiphany I realized I was responsible for holding myself back. I was contradicting my everyday advice to my friends and my students to chase their dreams and give in to their desires.

I always hated quotes, because there is a belief that if someone said it then it must be true. Woody Allen said, “Those who can’t do teach,” and I always hated that quote particularly. But I started to understand what he meant. I went to school for sixteen or more years, took a look at the world, lost my nerve, and went back to school because it was all I knew.

I’ve been standing on that corner for thirty years afraid to see what might happen if I walked across the street. I’ve been afraid of the risk. I’ve been afraid of the consequence. But the only consequence to living is life.

My Interview with Lil Wayne

I found out Lil Wayne can be hired to sing on your song for seventy thousand dollars per line. Lucky for me, he only charges sixty thousand per question in an interview.


Viva La Revolucion: Lil Wayne... thanks for coming by and talking with us today.

Lil Wayne: Could you say that again in the form of a question?

VLR: Um... for coming by, thanks... no wait, let's say this... Are you coming by to... no, that doesn't work either. I suppose I can't.

LW: It's aight.

VLR: I was reading the lyrics to your song "Baseball Sex". "I met her on first base standing all alone... we went 2 second base n now she in my zone... then we told Mr. third base we gon'..." do you mean gone or going?

LW: Gon'.

VLR: Sorry... was that... gone or going?

LW: Gon'.

VLR: Um... okay... and Mr. Third? Who's Mr. Third? Is this one of the coaches?

LW: Nah, man. Third. Third base. I jus' say Mr. 'cause I needed an extra syllable.

VLR: I see. Then you say, "I told you I'm taking one of these girls home." So you're taking this girl to your home?

LW: Yup.

VLR: What about home plate? If you're playing baseball you need to go to home plate still. I mean unless it's the end of the inning and the last batter struck out...

LW: Look man, we ain't talkin' about baseball...

VLR: Woah woah woah! We're NOT?

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Lil Wayne!!!

VLR: Holy shit!!! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's zombie!!!

LW: What the hell, man?!

Mozart: I composed esoteric symphonies to pave the road for artists like YOU?!

LW: Hold on, man. Hold on...

Mozart: AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!

LW: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

VLR: Oh my God!!! Mozart's zombie just ate Lil Wayne's face!!! This is horrible!!! Why did I choose to use audio instead of video for this interview?! Oh, the humanity!!!

Friendship: Virtually Retarded

I was given fried chicken a few days ago. It was imaginary. I’ve also recently been given flowers, beer, and a massage. They were also imaginary.
All of these gifts came to me via Facebook.
When I was three I used to pretend that I was wearing a jetpack and intercepting Russian missiles. When I was seven I would pretend that I was a pirate, lost at sea, who survived on the brains of giant squids. When I was eighteen I went to college. When I was thirty I got some pretend fried chicken.
Now before I recreate yesterday’s tirade in blog form, allow me to deconstruct your criticism.

“It’s just fun.”
No it isn’t. If I have a message that says I’ve been given a virtual Coke, I’d better be able to be virtually refreshed by it.

“It’s a display of friendship.”
No it isn’t. I don’t give my friends pretend gifts unless I’m pretending to be their friend.

“Just relax and go with it.”
I can’t. I’m thirty years old and I’m being asked to pretend I’m thankful for a pretend gift in a pretend world. And if I get one more pretend gift, I’m going to pretend to kill myself. Those of you who enjoy these pretend situations will pretend to be mortified by my pretend suicide. And I’ll pretend to be sorry for any pretend emotional damage I do.

Mankind: Totally Screwed

Hollywood has produced so many movies about the day the machines take over and slaughter human beings that I actually find myself getting angry when a new one is made.

At first I thought the reason was that the novelty had worn off. No one is still saying, "Woah woah woah! You mean machines could one day pillage my belongings and enslave my family? What the f?" It's commonplace now. It's fact. Machines will someday rise to the top of the food chain. Everyone knows that.

But yesterday I witnessed a woman in her forties trying to return a redbox dvd at Walgreens. She couldn't do it. Then a nice college guy tried to help her. He couldn't do it either. At the same time a man had trouble starting his new Prius in the parking lot. A woman, on her way out of the store, had her call dropped on her cell phone. A teenager looked confused as he searched his Ipod for songs he thought he uploaded. Then all of these people looked at one another helplessly for answers.

Ladies and gentlemen, the machines have already won.

Got Originality?

I'm sitting in my car getting ready for the light to change, performing my daily ritual of reading stickers on the backs of cars. There are two stick figures on the back of one, followed by about fifteen little stick figures with names that all begin the same letter. Another car has the name of a tattoo parlor thirty times the size of the actual tattoo they got there. The last one I look at as the signal changes says, "Got God?"

My first thought is, "You can't put that in a glass."

Later that day I see a car sticker that says, "Got Feet?"

Outloud, I actually said, "Got Feet? What the hell does that mean?"

I'm bothered by stickers that read, "Got ____?" They keep me up at night. I fly into drunken rages because of them. I've been arrested and heavily sedated because of them.

It's not clever anymore. It never was. And I don't think people understand that when you take an existing slogan or quote and change one word it isn't original. "Got ____?" is the Abercrombie and Fitch of diction.

...And yes, I realize the irony of my blog's title. Shut up.

Sarah Palin: A Tribute

Shocked by the news that Sarah Palin is resigning from her position as Alaska governor, I ran some scenarios over in my head (because choosing to share these ideas in an actual conversation with someone would be a complete waste of time).

My first thought was the publicity. She's got a camera up in her shit all the time now. I suppose that's the price of celebrity.

My second thought (fear) was that she's preparing herself for the 2012 presidency.

So dressed as a caribou, I spent all last week following Sarah Palin to find the truth. And here's what I found.

1. Caribou suits have poor visibility and attract hunters.
2. Sarah Palin spends most of her time in an abandoned warehouse roughing people up tied to chairs.
3. She spends her evenings in the forest with a ouija board, an old blind man, and a virgin.
4. She drinks what appears to be the blood of the innocent, although it could be syrah.

It's obvious what's happening here. Resignation, intimidation, secret meetings, blood orgies... she's going back to school to become a kindergarten teacher.

How Not to be a Douche: Step One

I've listened to a lot of criticism of Barack Obama. That's to be expected. He's a politician, and no politician in history has been able to please all of the people all of the time.

The most common criticism I've heard is about his promises. He's promised to do things he hasn't done yet. But when you've got to fix the amount of devastation he's been left with, you've got to prioritize.

There is one thing, however, that really bothered me. A large amount of people were upset that Barack Obama isn't taking a strong stance on Iran. Some of these people are upset for political reasons, but it's the people who are upset about this for humanitarian reasons who got me upset.

The unfortunate part of a republic is that we elect people we think will represent us to make decisions for us. That doesn't always happen the way we want. Some things are beyond our control.

But people often complain about things they have control over.

If I have to hear one more person compain about America not being involved in humanitarian aide in other countries, I'm going to kick a puppy. I am going to KICK... a puppy.

There are dozens of organizations that exist for this very reason (humanitarian aide, not kicking puppies). We have the Red Cross, Amnesty, and Oxfam to name a few. These organizations thrive on volunteer work and donations and they do a lot of good. All anyone has to do is go to a website for one of these organizations to find out what they can do.

What I'm trying to say is stop bitching about the world not changing, because you can start changing the world by yourself.