Population Explosion (Figurative and Literal)

We humans have done well recently in preserving endangered animals and plants in order to save them from extinction. We’ve also done pretty well at thinning out a species that overpopulates. We’re keeping the balance. I’m not sure who gave that job to us. Perhaps it was the same person who gave America the job of policing the entire world.

Perhaps it’s guilt for the other 9,000 species that we wiped out over the years.

Fortunately, we humans are too smart and too powerful for any other species, plant or animal, to overtake us. The plague? A joke. AIDS? Nice try. Swine flu? Come on, you’re boring me. The super volcano beneath Yellowstone? Wait, that hasn’t happened yet. Nor has the enslavement of our race by the man-squids of Thorak. But I’m sure we’ll overcome both as if they were a common cold.

“An alien race wiped out a town of people, you say? Dear God, what a tragedy! Let’s go help them out! Actually, we’ll be there tomorrow. We have to exterminate a colony of bees in our shed this afternoon.”

I’d say that we humans are the biggest problem of all. I’d say that we wouldn’t have to do much saving if we did more preventing. However, I know I’d be approached by one of my fellow Arizonans who would respond with something like, “If we ain’t supposed to overpopulate then that’s the earth’s problem to solve.”

And that might be true. It is, after all, a well known scientific fact that large-scale volcanism and meteors destroyed the dinosaurs moments after they started having dozens of children and applying for food stamps.

But why let it come to that? Shouldn’t we champion the idea that we’re intelligent enough to know better? If I didn’t keep the balance of keeping my room and dishes clean, I knew I’d get smacked. And you know something? I didn’t want to get smacked. And I really don’t want to be crushed by a meteor or blown into bits by a super volcano.

Cell Your Soul

I was in a training class a few weeks ago when a woman's cell phone goes off. She picks it up while the instructor is still talking to the class. "Hello?" she says. "I... I can't talk right now. No, I can't talk right... clothes? No, just throw them in the dryer. The dryer. The dry... listen, I can't talk right now. Yes, she called and said she had a recital tomorrow. A recital. Recital. Look, I can't talk right now. I'm in a training class. I'll talk to you... a ham? Sure, I can pick one up. Avatar? Yes, I loved it! Wouldn't you love to live in a world with floating islands like that? Holy shit, I know! James Cameron is a fucking genius! Hey, I'm in a training class, I can't talk right now."

The person who picks up a phone just to say 'I can't talk right now' ranks number two on my list of annoying cell phone habits. Number one is the person who lets 'Poker Face' play through the entire chorus at 3,000 decibels while they grab the phone out of their purse, examine the incoming phone number like they're deciphering hieroglyphics, tell the people at their table that it's Heather, and put it back in their purse without ever hitting the extremely easy-to-find silence button.

I do, however, believe that someday soon people will stop doing things like texting while they’re confessing to their priest, checking their Facebook status while driving through a school zone, or having a conversation on their phone about stock trades while checking out at Food City. It's just that I think that day will have to begin with a meteor crashing into the earth.

"Can you hear me? I'm getting really shitty reception next to this crater... Hello? Look, I can't talk right now..."

The Metaphorical Buffet

Even though I'd like to live forever in order to see the fall of western civilization and the rise of Native American robots from Ganymede, there was once part of me that wanted to die at 27. I wanted to be like Jim Morrison and live on forever in the memories and dreams of youth for generations to come. That plan fell through in part because no one knew who the hell I was. The other part was that I eventually turned 28.

Now I'm 31, and it may as well be just the way you read it. I don't remember 29 or 30 at all.

I work with a plethora of college kids at one of my jobs. I see how happy and carefree they are and it makes me sick. None of them are afraid of the government yet. None of them fear death. None of them have to lie to the IRS. None of them have dangerously high cholesterol.

And it doesn't make me sick in a hateful way. It makes me feel sick in the same way that you wake up from a long night of drinking with a hangover. Your thirties are a ten year hangover from your twenties.

Looking back on your twenties is like seeing a girl you dated has now become the biggest actress in the world and you stand up to say, "I slept with her before she was famous!" But you neglect to mention that you dumped her because her breasts weren't big enough, and you're managing a car wash.

I made a Tenacious D reference and a girl said to me, "I'm not THAT old." That's funny. I didn't realize I was either.

The only people who still think I'm cool are almost twice my age and gave birth to me.

It's like I'm standing in line at an all you can eat buffet in downtown Las Vegas eager to get my money's worth when a person bungie jumping off the top of the Stratosphere catches my eye through the window, and I lose my appetite for convenience. I decide to run out and join them, but I sit down at a table instead. The waitress takes my order for a water and I wait patiently. When she comes back I pay my 31 dollar tab with a 40. Before I tell her to keep the change, I think to myself...

I bet I can get a pretty good hangover at 40 with the remaining 9.

Political Nominations: Worse than Grammy Nominations? I Didn't Think it was Possible Either.

Of all the people I'd like to see on an office ballot, none of their names ever appear.

Not that it would matter. Even if Trent Reznor ran for president with Carl Sagan as his running mate, Ghandi as his political advisor, Serj Tankian as his secretary of defense, and Cthulu as ambassador to North Korea, nothing would get accomplished.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where we leave important decisions to the people who live here.

"Sure, a 'no' vote on this proposition violates basic human rights, but let's allow people who think that God hates Jews, homosexuals, and free music downloads to decide for us."

I'm not here to promote Communism or Anarchy. And although I've been offered a large sum of money by Coke Zero, a refreshingly satisfying alternative to Coke, I'm not here to promote them either. But trust me, our society would be better off if we left every political issue to a game of rock/ paper/ scissors.

All I'm suggesting is that people educate themselves before voting. Getting your education from coworkers, friends, and radio talk show hosts doesn't count. One of the greatest gifts you've been given is the ability to read. You don't need to be told what to think, as ironic as it may be that I'm telling you not to be told what to think. I think I just created a paradox... black hole... just opened on my screen... can't fight... gravitational pull... Coke Zero... very refreshing...

Republicans and Democrats: 2 Reasons to Move to Neptune

A UFO lands on the White House lawn. An alien steps out and takes a long, deep breath. He clears his throat and is about to blow the minds of every physicist in the world when a shushing finger is held up. "Excuse us just a moment," the House majority leader says. "We need to discuss our stance on your presence before you begin. If Americans want you in prison work camps, they need to know which party to vote for this November."

I left my first political party the moment I noticed the similarities to children choosing team mates on a football field. "Um, yeah... I'll take abortion. You get gay rights."

"Why do you get abortion? Everyone knows abortion is as good as two gay rights!"

"Fine. You get stem cell research."

"Stem cell research cheats! We don't want him on our team!"

"Look, stem cell research plays a pretty good d. Are we playing ball or not?"

Then there's the other problem. This morning I left yet another political party. This time I left because it was tainted by the Tea Party. Like everything else in my life, whenever I get into something it becomes overrun with idiots who have no idea what they're talking about.

White trash took skulls away from me.

Hollywood took Transformers away from me.

Christians took God away from me.

And now the Tea Party has taken Libertarianism away from me.

I guess the real problem is that we all feel like we need to belong to a group, but we'll never really fit in. We'll say we're vegetarians, but we'll occasionally eat a piece of bacon.

In the words of LaBron James: What should I do?

I'm going to fucking blog.

Redneck Patriots and Homosexual Republicans: Two Oxymorons

Our story takes place on my way home from work when I'm already sick of humanity.

I see an SUV ahead of me with a picture across the back accompanied by the only words I can read: "Everything" and "Islam". I think to myself, "Sweet! I'm short on my Islam supplies... I'd like to see this "Everything Islam" ad a little closer".

I speed up to see a giant picture of the twin towers blowing up with the now clear words, "Everything I wanted to know about Islam I learned on 9/11".

Before I looked through the driver side window I already knew what I was going to see. I was going to see a guy in his 40's with sunglasses that went across his entire face wearing a John Deere cap listening to Alan Jackson.

Behold, my prophecy came true.

I was tempted to roll down my window to say, "Everything I wanted to know about Christianity I learned at the Salem Witch Trials," but I was afraid that might make him angry enough to go home and beat his wife and kids a little extra hard tonight.

I was also afraid my joke would be lost as he would have to consult an encyclopedia, a dictionary, and an atlas.

You Can't Spell Halloween without an H and an O

Halloween is fast approaching, which means so are the myriad slutty costumes.

So far I've seen costumes for Slutty Alices in Wonderland, Slutty Bumblebees, Slutty Stockbrokers, and Slutty Sluts.

I guess you could say that I'm a grassroots Halloween activist. I like costumes that scare people. Some of you think I host these zombie walks every year because I think they're fun, but you're as mistaken as talent at an Adam Lambert concert. My zombie walks are a consistent disappointment every single year because real zombies never show up!

Slutty Butterflies and Slutty Mail Carriers have "slutty zombie victim" written all over their bodies.

And I have "please don't eat me I'm the one who sent you the invitation" written all over mine.