It came to my attention one day while trying to make a u-turn. A very large vehicle was blocking my view of oncoming vehicles so I had to wait until it made its trecherous voyage around the median. I glanced at the name of the vehicle on the back and noticed a pattern.
As trucks and SUVs grow in size their names become more large, intense, and violent.
1. Let's begin with the very tiny, non-threatening Ford Ranger. A ranger is a man who walks around with squirrels all day making sure everyone is enjoying their cook-outs. "Careful with that marshmallow stick, Billy. Ha ha ha." Very nice.
2. We move up to the Chevy Trailblazer. This is a serious hiker with a big walking stick whose canteen may or may not contain something alcoholic.
3. The Nissan Pathfinder is for the man who is bored with what people tell him to do. "Your path sucks. I'm making my own goddamned path. Neener neener neener."
4. The next step and maybe the smallest of the coveted SUVs is the Ford Explorer. This man doesn't just want to hike anymore. This man is looking for buried treasure, but he goes alone because he trusts no one.
5. For the family who has never heard of condoms, the next largest SUV is the Ford Expedition. We've moved beyond the realm of single men and solitary activities. We now have a group of drunks who just heard from a second grader that there is a city of gold somewhere beneath a burial ground on a sacred mountain that belongs to Apaches.
6. And what do you do when you can't find a city of gold? You go and shoot some animals. The GMC Safari. You gave some indigenous people small pox but that wasn't enough. Let's hang the heads of their gods above our fireplaces.
7. And now we have arrived at the Nissan Armada. A fleet of Spanish warships. And they don't want a pathetic city of gold. They want England. For the sake of all drivers on the road, I pray to God that we soon have a sudden plague of giant squids and sea monsters.
Coming soon...
The Lincoln Ethnic Cleanser
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