Humans are a fascinatingly disgusting species. We've existed on this planet for over ten million years, and it wasn't until about five hundred years ago that a plague killed millions of us and someone finally said, "I reckon we better start washing our hands and leaving our feces in some place other than the street."
Unfortunately, 9.95 million years into our existence was a little late for this kind of epiphany. You can't even look at another person anymore without contracting Hepatitis E (that's hepatitis of the eyes for those of you who aren't medical students). In efforts to better control sickness I've been working closely with the FDA and the NRA. Together, we've developed a super-antibiotic that will protect anyone from anything. It's actually a combination penicilin/ microscopic robotic army. We call it the ROBIOTIC. And here's how it works:
1. Defrost the robiotic in a microwave safe container.
2. Mix the robiotic with a glass of cool water. Be sure to drink quickly while the water is still fizzing.
3. The robiotic enters through the lining of your stomach and into the blood stream in a fleet of tiny pirate ships.
4. The robots, armed with ray guns and chainsaws, are programmed to savagely and inhumanely torture and destory all foreign substances (it is stongly recommended that expectant mothers check with their doctors before using the robiotic).
5. After all threats are eliminated, the robot fleet returns to your softest and most comfortable organs where they remain in suspended animation until the next threat is detected.
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